The Flat Earth Times

WASHINGTON: Robert Mueller’s high-pitched, sing-song voice was on full display today in the nation’s capital, a shocking revelation to cap his two years of silence atop the nation’s headlines. Mueller came to the Justice Department today to speak out about his now-concluded investigation into President Trump’s 2016 election campaign. His fairytale voice was a shock […]

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SCRANTON – Democratic voters roughly ranging in age from 56 to 73 gathered outside Lackawanna Courthouse Thursday night for a vigil in honor of former Vice President Joe Biden’s personal reputation and integrity. “DAMN PROGRESSIVE MILLENNIALS!” ranted Harry Gitmore, 67, a belt sander.  “Whado they care about that stupid Green New Deal and pound-sign-Me-Too stuff […]

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Deceased Arizona Senator John McCain was brought back into the national conversation today by President Trump.  The President disparaged the Vietnam War Veteran and 2008 Republican Presidential nominee in comments made at a tank factory in Lima, Ohio, saying he gave Mr. McCain “the funeral he wanted, and I didn’t get ‘thank you.’” President Trump […]

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WASHINGTON – As questions deepen about the role President Trump has played in inciting increasing right-wing extremist violence, Mr. Trump on Tuesday morning took the unusual step of having a bowel movement on the South Lawn of the White House. During a press conference, Sarah Huckabee-Sanders was asked numerous times about the president’s responsibility for […]

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MIAMI – Former Governor of Florida and 2016 U.S. Presidential candidate Jeb Bush peered into his mailbox today, only for his hopes to dissipate once again. He received no crudely-made pipe bomb in the mail, sent last week to various high-profile opponents of President Trump. “I wasn’t checking the mail for a bomb,” said Mr. […]

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HOUSTON – Elections are approaching, and Texans are making up their mind. Dave Fresno, an antique shop owner in Piney Point Village, considered his vote at the Avalon Diner. “I have to say, I’m torn on Trump,” said Mr. Fresno. He did not vote for Mr. Trump in 2016, but said he’s very pleased with […]

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WASHINGTON – Senator Orrin Hatch (R-Utah), the second ranked Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee, scribbled out a thank you letter to Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, the former classmate of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. “She was a pretty lady,” said Mr. Hatch, 84. ”She made sure my corn chowder was served piping hot.” ”Thank […]

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SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Ohio, the Democratic Party has spent their entire second quarter fundraising haul on a platinum gavel for Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D, CA-12).  They previously purchased her a diamond gavel after a narrow special election loss in Arizona. “We beat the spread!” exclaimed […]

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican Party of the United States has announced a name change aimed at winning over young voters, from the GOP to the GOb. The switch comes as young voters prove to be increasingly disaffected with the nation’s two dominant political parties. “We needed a change,” said RNC Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel. The […]

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PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-un is facing withering criticism for his failure to bring up the appalling human rights record of US President Donald Trump, during their meeting in Singapore last week. The North Korean Dictator met with President Trump on June 12th amid much pomp and hype. The two were to discuss de-nuclearization of the […]

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