The Flat Earth Times

NEW ORLEANS – President Trump today announced that he would withdraw the United States from the 1803 Louisiana Purchase with France. The deal, signed during the Jefferson Administration, gave Napoleonic France $15 million for part or all of what now comprise 14 states, from Louisiana up through the Great Plains into Montana. “What were our […]

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JOINT BASE ANDREWS, Md. – Three Americans were freed from North Korean imprisonment yesterday, but after being greeted by President Trump, the horrified men asked to be allowed back into the reclusive regime’s labor camps. Kim Dong-chul, Tony Kim and Kim Hak-son, three Americans, were imprisoned in North Korea following allegations by the reclusive state […]

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MOSCOW – The greatest tournament in soccer is set to begin in just one months’ time, and the United States will not be attending. The Americans announced they will be boycotting the 2018 World Cup this year, in protest against Russia’s meddling in the 2016 US presidential election. As US Coach Dave Sarachan made clear, […]

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NEWARK – Representative Josh Gottheimer (D, NJ-5) has been thanked by a whopping six constituents for receiving the designation of “most bipartisan freshman Democrat.” The award comes from the Lugar Center, headed by former U.S. Senator Richard Lugar. Karen Phillipeli, a nurse in Harrington Park, New Jersey, thanked Rep. Gottheimer on Facebook for his bipartisanship […]

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Confusion spread across the globe this past weekend as warming relations engulfed North and South Korea, bringing about an end to the Korean War. “What’s happening?!” shrieked Donna Dominica, a waitress in Santa Fe, to no one in particular. North Korea and South Korea’s leaders met face to face this past weekend, shook hands, and […]

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SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Arizona, the Democratic Party has spent their entire first quarter fundraising haul on a diamond gavel for Nancy Pelosi. “We beat the spread!” exclaimed Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez. Now happily anticipating taking control of the House of Representatives in November of […]

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WASHINGTON – President Trump has offered his son Barron to Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in the latest round of negotiations with the reclusive state over its nuclear arsenal. He also offered “half” of his second son, Eric. “This is a bold concession,” said Choeag-ui Adeul, a senior North Korea Analyst at the South […]

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Stormy Daniels on Cinderella Run to End Trump Dynasty Stormy Daniels has continued her unprecedented march toward ending the presidency of Donald J. Trump, as the 14th seed rides toward the Elite Eight of Mueller Madness. “You could say she’s storming toward history,” commented an ESPN article writer, chuckling to himself and high-fiving his contractually-obligated-to-reciprocate […]

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WASHINGTON – James Comey, former director of the FBI, was seen Sunday night living in his own nightmare. The long-time public servant worked hard his entire life. He always did his homework, graduating from the University of Chicago Law School when he was twenty-four years old. Immediately thereafter, he entered public service, working for the […]

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MILWUAKEE – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced he would retire after his term ends in 2019, in a speech on Wednesday. The 48-year-old Republican now wishes to spend more time with his deep, bone-chilling shame. “In my 20 years in Congress a lot has changed,” said Mr. Ryan. “I have worked tirelessly to […]

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