I.C.E. Hires Big Bad Wolf to Test Border Wall Prototypes

SAN DIEGO – President Trump’s proposed wall on the US border with Mexico is moving forward, and US Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has employed the services of the Big Bad Wolf to help test the capability and durability of various prototypes.

Despite political gridlock on the decision to build a wall, and regardless of whether or not Congress will approve the funding for construction, plans are moving forward.

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Many construction companies, vying for the contract, have submitted twelve-foot segments for government evaluation, and Border Patrol agents confirmed the Big Bad Wolf has been flown in from fictional 19th century England for the testing.

“Mr. Wolf’s long record of arson, rape, murder, and general mischief makes him a perfect test subject. If he can’t penetrate the Wall, no Mexican can.” said acting ICE Director Thomas Homan.

The ICE Director was confident the Big Bad Wolf would not be able to huff, and puff, and blow down every single wall.

“We had some great tests today. Mr. Wolf huffed, and he puffed, and he blew down Walls 2, 4, and 7.”

The Big Bad Wolf was reported to be trying other methods to penetrate the walls, such as climbing and looking for chimneys.

Meanwhile, protesters surrounded the demonstration area outside San Diego suburbs.

“This is horrible!” screamed Carmen West, a University of San Diego sophomore, in the demonstrations. “Any company CEO participating in this travesty is a PIG!”

James Halliwell-Phillipps contributed to this report.  He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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How Charlie Rose’s Real Name And A Botched Circumcision Foreshadowed A Lifetime Of Sexual Misconduct

The story of Charles Peete Rose Jr., the famed television journalist who was accused Monday of sexual misconduct by eight women in an in-depth expose in the Washington Post, is more complicated than most have ever known.

“Charlie always knew he was special,” said a childhood friend, who spoke to Flat Earth News on the condition of anonymity for fear of retaliation. “Charlie’s thought process was: ‘When your penis is shaped like a rose, you try to offer it to every beautiful woman you see.’

“At some point, that’s bound to backfire.”

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Senate Tax Cut Plan Accused of Sexual Assault

WASHINGTON – The Republicans’ tax overhaul plan was accused this weekend of sexual assault by several different women, the culmination of a growing wave of sexual assault revelations in both Hollywood and Washington.

“This bill left me feeling dead, broke, and worthless,” said Juiz Desgurl, a congressional assistant, in a press conference Sunday, who vividly described the bill as violating everything she held dear.

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“Hopefully now the public will finally see what a monster this plan is” said Desgurl.

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ANALYSIS: Senate Write-In Campaign Impossible Because Alabama Can’t Read

Republicans are in a bind in Alabama.

Republican Senatorial efforts to derail the candidacy of Roy Moore in the Alabama Special Senate election have been unsuccessful. Judge Moore, battling claims that he made sexual advances on young teenage girls in his 30s, has refused to drop out, and now it appears a write-in campaign, as a de facto replacement for Moore, is also impossible, given the inability to read of virtually all Alabama voters.

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Republicans Unable to Decide Between Tax Cuts for Millionaires, Basic Integrity

WASHINGTON – As Republican Judge Roy Moore plows on through accusations of molesting teenage girls in the Alabama special Senate Election, Republicans nationally are flummoxed.

Republicans are weighing their options between the tax cuts Moore is likely to support shortly after taking office, or the basic integrity that comes with electing a candidate not accused of inviting 14-year-old girls to your house to get them drunk and try to have sex with them.

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“This is hard,” said Gert Ningrich, a Fox News panelist. “Almost as hard as no 32-year-old man should be when he’s with a 14-year-old girl.”

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NJ and VA Republicans Send Thoughts and Prayers to Ballot Boxes

RICHMOND – Republican voters in New Jersey and Virginia sent thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) to their voting precincts on Tuesday, hoping to hold off a wave of Democrats eager to send a message to President Trump and Republicans nationwide.

“We knew this would be a tough election, so we wanted to get our #ThoughtsAndPrayers out early and often,” said Ed Gillespie, the defeated Republican candidate for governor in Virginia.

“It was a shame our thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) came up short,” he added.  “Maybe I was slouching too much on the pews.”

Bellwether elections in New Jersey and Virginia, and elsewhere delivered big wins for Democratic candidates on Tuesday, including legislative races and referendums nationwide.  It is an ominous warning of Republican vulnerabilities going into 2018 midterms and leading some Republicans to question the recipient of their thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers).

“I’m not sure we thought or prayed hard enough,” said Kim Guadagno, the Republican candidate for governor in New Jersey. “God can be elusive at the ballot box.  Or maybe we should just have thought and prayed more aimlessly, you know like, in general, with our eyes shut. Or we should have just sat quietly still with our hands clasped like we did when we were kids, and pretended to do thoughts and prayers, but really just wait for Mommy and Daddy to finish.  You know?  Or perhaps we didn’t use enough hashtags.  #ThoughtsAndPrayers”

Republicans put together an aggressive Get-Out-The-Thoughts-And-Prayers (#GOTTP) effort aided by large volunteer groups in both states.

“Our guys did a great job making sure as many voters as possible stayed home and thought and prayed for us, #ThoughtsAndPrayers,” said Gillespie.

The Republicans had a robust phone canvassing operation as well, robo-calling every precinct in both states with pre-recorded #ThoughtsAndPrayers messages in an effort to turn the tide.

There was great disappointment in Republican voters in both states.

“I can’t believe our #ThoughtsAndPrayers weren’t enough,” said Christopher Page, a Republican from Woodbridge, Virginia. “It’s almost like thoughts and prayers have nothing to do with effecting political change in a democracy,” He said.

“#ThoughtsAndPrayers.”

Thoughts and Prayers contributed to this report. They can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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World Jealous of Taliban Prisoner for not Knowing Trump was President

TORONTO – Worldwide showers of envy have rained down on Joshua Boyle, a Canadian-American man recently released along with his family from an isolated five-year imprisonment by the Taliban, for the man’s prolonged ignorance of the political ascendance of Donald Trump.

Mr. Boyle was expressed utter shock when, upon his arrival in Toronto, he was informed that Donald J. Trump, the billionaire real estate magnate and reality TV star, had somehow been elected US President last year.

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“Nine months,” lamented Phil Westowski, an accountant in Buffalo, New York. “You’re telling me he’s gone nine months thinking we had a normal president.”

Others wondered how he could have been blessed with such blissful ignorance, as he went about his days in darkness and physical torture.

“Apparently when they told him Trump had been elected, he didn’t believe them,” said Anthony Encito, a waiter in Los Angeles. “I wish I didn’t believe it, no matter how many shocks to the nipples they would have given me.”

Many envied the stability and normalcy Boyle assumed of the world as he witnessed his family be starved and exhausted.

Joshua Boyle, with that comforting smile after five years’ isolated imprisonment with the Taliban.

“It would be so nice to believe America had a competent leader,” expressed Katrien Janssens, a bakery worker in Heverlee, Belgium. “I’d sleep much better at night, even on a cave floor” she said sadly.

Still more were happy to imagine a five-year break from the news, or really anything electric at all.

“How many awful news stories did he miss…?” asked Jessica Ringwatt, a student at the University of Virginia. “What utter joy he must have had talking all day long with those evil murderers.”

There was a common feeling among those interviewed that Mr. Boyle was blessed to have his experience.

“I wish so bad the Taliban kidnapped my family for five years starting sometime before June 2015,” said Takaharu Miyazaki, an office worker in Nagoya, Japan.

“It would be a dream come true. Now he enters our nightmare.”

Janne Olson contributed to this report. He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Houston Magically Restored After World Series Win

HOUSTON – Reeling for weeks since the catastrophic flooding of Hurricane Harvey, the great city of Houston has been restored to perfect condition, perhaps by the gods, following the World Series of baseball won by its hometown Astros.

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Houston after the World Series win Thursday morning.

The Houston Astros defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers in game seven of the World Series matchup on Wednesday night, in what sports analysts decreed was a “needed” victory for America’s fourth largest city, beleaguered, battered, flooded, and chemically contaminated by the heavy rains of Hurricane Harvey in late August.

“If you made a list of Houston’s needs, I think a World Series victory would be number one,” said Dave Travis, a Houston resident and Astros fan. “It just solved everything.”

Houses were rebuilt, parks were restored, floors reupholstered and re-polished, and hundreds of people who perished in the floods and fires were found digging themselves out of their graves.  Cars were given new engine parts, industrial plants were decontaminated, and bright green leaves now adorned every tree.  And it’s all thanks to the Houston Astros and their championship performance.

“It’s like the dioxin just vanished from the soil,” said Dr. Mark Cornin, an environmental scientist at the University of Texas. “These baseball players really delivered Houston from future generations of misery with that World Series trophy.”

Additionally, Houston’s notoriously lax zoning laws have been reversed and retroactively enforced, restoring the city’s flood-protective prairies and wetlands that were paved over for human settlement in the 1970s. What was once a certainty that a disaster like Harvey would happen again within a decade is now merely a high probability.

“This is so incredible, I’m resigning,” said Dr. Cornin. “Houston is saved. Who needs scientists when we have athletes?”

Mr. Clean contributed to this report. He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

Twitter: @flatearthtimes

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Fox News Debuts “Shiny Object Dangling”

NEW YORK – Fox News, the top cable news provider in the United States, debuted its newest program last night, Shiny Object Dangling. The primetime show features various items of high reflectivity being dangled in front of a camera in a highly distracting and slightly amusing fashion.

The program was broadcast at 8:30 PM and lasted two hours, receiving rave reviews from conservative commentators and a surprisingly robust audience of 7.2 million viewers.

“This is one of the most highly informative programs I’ve ever seen on television,” said conservative radio host Wayne Allen Root. “There’s just so much value to the conservative, patriotic American tuning in to the full two hours. Don’t change the channel!”

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