Gen. John Kelly Momentarily Forgets President Trump Exists

WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly had a momentary brain fart at a press conference yesterday, forgetting, despite his best efforts, to recall the name, character, and life story of his boss and commander-in-chief, President Donald J. Trump.

“The practice of turning our nations most sacred thing – the fallen men and women who gave everything they had to this country and its ideals – into political pawns, is abhorrent” said White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly, himself the father of a fallen veteran. “No one who hurts a Gold Star family is worthy of these halls, and I hope we don’t let it happen.  Let’s just keep that sacred.”

Asked if that stance would disqualify President Trump for political office considering his highly criticized insults of the Gold Star family of deceased US Army Captain Humayun Khan last year, General Kelly furrowed his brow, responding, “Wait… who?”

“Captain Humayun Khan, sir,” repeated the reporter.

“No, I know him. That’s what I’m talking about. Families like his need to continue to be respected like they always have,” continued Kelly.

Gen. Kelly trying to recall President Trump’s existence yesterday.

He focused his criticism on Democratic Congresswoman Frederica Wilson (FL – 23rd) for her comments regarding President Trump’s controversial phone call to the widow of Sgt. La David Johnson, a US army soldier killed in an ambush in Niger this month along with three other American soldiers.

“I can’t believe what some people in this room have done, what that Congresswoman did. Four American soldiers die in an African country stricken by terrorism where they were trying to help, and people are already trying to score political points. It’s disgusting! I can’t believe this has happened for the first and hopefully last time.”

“But General, what about Benghazi?” asked another unnamed reporter in the room. “Wasn’t that politicizing of dead soldiers?”

“What about whatnow?” responded Kelly, looking frustrated. “That’s a city in Libya. The attack was in Niger.”

“But sir, President Trump attacked Hillary Clinton about Bengha–”

Who? Clinton?” repeated Kelly angrily. “This is what I mean. A former Secretary of State? What would a secretary of state have to do with a military attack in Africa?”

Stunned, reporters were momentarily silenced.

“No more questions? Great. It’s been a long day.  I think have a shift to get to” he said, walking out.

Bob Corker contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com.

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Republicans Propose Orchestrating Neutron Star Collision to Pay for Tax Cuts

CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to help pay for their tax cuts for the wealthy, also unveiled this week. The unique cosmic explosion, recently witnessed many lightyears away by scientists, is one of the universe’s only ways of creating the gold we find on our own planet.

Republican leaders have proposed bringing such a colossally violent hellfire into Earth’s neighborhood, saying the estimated nine octillion dollars in gold to come out of such an apocalyptic event may help pay for part of their proposed tax cuts for the wealthy this fall.

“We’re working with NASA as we speak,” said House Appropriations Committee Chairman Rodney Frelinghuysen (R, NJ-11th) in Cape Canaveral, “We’re looking to have the collision somewhere between here and the moon, so as much of the gold as possible backboards back to Earth.”

Asked about the feasibility of such a project, NASA Chief Scientist Dr. Ellen Stofa said, “I think it’s a great idea; I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

Some Democrats grumbled that the collision would almost certainly destroy all life on Earth and probably swallow the entire Solar System whole. “This is not what we meant when we said the poor can’t even afford to heat their homes.” said Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren.

Republicans explaining the benefits of the bill

Asked about concerns for the safety of life as we know it, Congressman Frelinghuysen defended the plan. “It will create jobs,” he assured reporters. “That’s what matters most.”

A few Democrats quietly suggested that the bill should pass, so they could use the resulting political fallout from global destruction to their advantage in the 2018 midterm elections.

Rumors that some of the gold would be appropriated to pay for President Trump’s desired wall on the Mexican border were quickly debunked. “The wall? Now THAT” said Mr. Frelinghuysen, “is never going to happen.”

Morgan Freeman contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

The Onion Sues Trump Administration for Stealing All Their Ideas

CHICAGO: The Onion, a satirical news source known for outrageous headlines of impossible-to-believe stories, is suing the Trump Administration for stealing so many of their ideas and attempting to make them a reality.

Kurt Mueller, the Chief Operating Officer of the Onion, was furious and focused outside of Cook County Courthouse in Chicago. “Trump Administration Relying on Elton John Lyrics to Conduct Diplomacy with North Korea – stolen! Senators Tweet Criticism of ‘White House Daycare Nannies’ for Missing President-Sitting Shifts – also robbed! Meanwhile the President proclaims a sexual assault month and says he doesn’t need intelligence briefings because he’s ‘smart.’”

The Onion is alleging that every time they come up with the “craziest” idea for a story their 140 employees can think of, the President and his administration preempts them by stealing the idea.

“It’s almost like he has our ‘wires tapped,’” said Mueller, before bursting into laughter. “He stole that one too!”

The Trump Administration responded to this report by calling it Fake News.

President Furiously Orders Administration to Defend the Size of His Inauguration Crowd – that was my favorite one” said Mueller sadly. “We were going to cut off ‘inauguration crowd’ for click-bait, and make all kinds of penile references. I wept when Trump stole that one.”

M Night Shyamalan contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com.

Follow us on Twitter @flatearthtimes

University of Virginia Students, Furious at Trump and Republicans, Unsure what to do Instead of Voting on Election Day

CHARLOTTESVILLE: Students at the University of Virginia here in Charlottesville are angry, and with Election Day approaching fast, many are struggling to come up with what to do instead of voting.

The students have not forgotten the tumultuous rallies and violence that rocked the small college town in August, killing one protester and wounding many more.

“I’ll never forget what the political right did to our town!” said sophomore poetry major Jessica Ringwatt.  “I just don’t know what to do about it.  Maybe on Election Day, I’ll listen to my favorite Yoga CD!”

Many UVA students are still furious; at white nationalists who provoked the violence last August, at President Trump for his equivocal comments in condemning them as well as “many sides,” at Republicans who enable the President, and at what they see as a virus of racism that pervades older, whiter Americans and the Republican Party.

However, the students, all 18 or over, aren’t sure what to do on Election Day, when Virginians and New Jerseyans will be choosing a new governor, as well as voting on seats for the state legislatures.

“Clearly everything that’s going wrong these days is the Republicans’ fault,” said Kalyn Peters, a sophomore architecture major. “So I think on Election Day, I might going to go hiking with some friends. I’m not sure.”

Other students were feeling less outdoorsy.

Students not voting

“There is no doubt in my mind that for years, Republican politics catered to infantile backlash against an intellectual black president, forming a dangerously potent cocktail of racist anti-intellectual sentiment in a majority of Republican voters and directly leading to President Trump’s election,” said freshman physics major Jacob Nakovic. “That’s why on Election Day, I’m planning on going to the polls, and, not voting, like, you know, in protest. That’ll show those Rethuglicans! Hashtag Resist!!!”

Older students in governmental studies were more alarmed about recent geopolitical shifts.

“I am really panicking over the State Department being replaced by the president’s Twitter account,” said Brianne Jones, a graduate student in International Studies. “This trend is extremely unstable, and it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that Republican control of our government is direct threat to the survival of humanity,” she said.

“There really is only one way for the Republicans to lose.  Hopefully some people will vote for the Democrat.  On Election Day, I’ll chant really loudly at some identity politics-related protest!  Love conquers all!!”

Meatloaf contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

NHL Players Kneel For US Anthem, Slip, and Fall on Their Faces

NEW YORK: NHL players attempted to kneel in protest during the American National Anthem Sunday, but were unable to keep their balance and fell on their faces.

NHL players attempting to kneel Sunday

Hockey players for the New York Rangers and Montreal Canadiens attempted to kneel in solidarity with major kneeling protests done across the NFL and begun by quarterback Colin Kaepernick last year. The kneelings protest, among other issues, police brutality against black Americans.

But the logistics of kneeling proved too difficult for the heavily padded skaters. Players attempting to kneel slipped, stumbled, and landed face first on the ice, usually the moment their knees touched down, but occasionally after a bit of wobbling and muttering “I got it – wait, I got it” to no one in particular.

“We couldn’t keep our balance out there,” said Canadiens goalie Al Montoya, sipping hot chocolate after the game. “Now we know what it’s like to be black.”

PK Soubhan contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

US Secretary of State and North Korea Reach Unprecedented Agreement That Donald Trump is a Fucking Moron

SEOUL/NEW YORK: North Korea and the US State Department stunned the world on Wednesday by reaching a major accord for the first time in years, agreeing that US President Trump is a fucking moron.

The agreement, sending warm, hopeful tremors across the Earth, took some time to reach.

AP:

Tillerson after the major agreement

North Korea began raising eyebrows the past two weeks, after abandoning decades of heavily skewed propaganda to report factual news.

The North Korean Foreign Ministry last week called President Trump a “madman across the water,” and “a mentally deranged person full of megalomania and complacency” who was trying to turn the UN into a “gangsters’ nest.” Grand Marshall Kim Jong-un himself added to the shocking barrage of actual facts coming out of the normally propagandized North Korean media, referring to Trump as a “mentally deranged US dotard.”  Experts were stunned at the North Korean government’s sudden return to facts and logic.

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Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

Property of the Flat Earth Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway.

But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force.

Property of the Flat Earth TimesThat alignment of words and meaning has been washed away by the rising tide of a very malicious kind of fake news. There emerged a movement of lies, lies that masked themselves as truth, designed to galvanize the hateful predispositions within us, into accepting false conclusions. Fake news of late has become, in short, a force of evil.

Where does the Flat Earth Times fit into this? We’re getting to it.

Still bound by the calling and the drive that built it, the Thirsty Turtle Times carried on, a force for positive reinforcement and encouragement to the coalition for reason – a fighting force against crazy people. That battle can no longer be fought only at the university level, or only in one town.

But we will do it right.  We want you to know, when you read our news, that we also think the Earth may be flat.

You want the truth you feel, not the truth you know. The world is flat, and our news is real.

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times!

The Flat Earth Times will continue to host most of the original content of the Thirsty Turtle Times under its “Thirsty Turtle Times historical archives” banner.

Germans Protest Removal of Hitler Statue in Berlin

BERLIN – Protests descended on the Tiergarten Park yesterday after the long-awaited decision to remove a statue of Adolf Hitler from the park’s center in downtown Berlin.

“It’s our German heritage!” screamed Kurtholm Frederschmidt, a window sealer from Blankenberg. “This is our German identity. The statue has nothing to do with racism or anti-semitism!”

Property of the Thirsty Turtle Times, lol

Berlin Protester’s Official Meme

The Berlin City Council decided to remove the statue after a long and contentious debate, releasing a statement saying it was “time for Germany to move on and heal.”

“I kind of thought we should have actually debated putting it up,” said City Councilwoman Anna Müller.

Definitely Pro-Hitler protesters in Tiergarten Park Wednesday.

The statue was erected in 1939 in Nazi Germany, and was only quietly grumbled about by young Germans who didn’t want to offend the nation’s Nazi heritage and the brave soldiers who fought for a global fascistic Jew-free Nazi world conquest.

“I know it’s tough to hear, but I really wonder if Hitler should still be honored in Berlin,” Müller added gravely.

Protest organizers considered the statue removal a stain on German pride.

“We need to recognize the people that helped us foment our identity,” said Tavin Bregolle, the organizer of the protest.

Asked about Hitler’s starting of World War II, his fascist conquest of Europe, and the murder of 11 million Jews, gypsies, Eastern Europeans, homosexuals and other groups in the Holocaust, Bregolle responded, “That is exactly why we must keep the statue.  Are we going to censor history now? This is un-German.”

Statue of Hitler in Tiergarten, this is definitely real.

Many Germans fear that the removal of the statue is a form of speech suppression, even though Nazi symbolism has been illegal in Germany since 1945.

“Take down that statue, and everyone will forget about Hitler tomorrow, guaranteed,” insisted Bregolle.

The City Council insists that Nazi Germany is being “scrubbed from scrapbooks, not history books.” But protestors disagree.

“Who’s next, Jesus on the cross?” asked Frederschmidt.

Sean Hannity contributed to this report.  He can be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

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British Pollsters Attempt To Shoot Themselves, Miss Badly

LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again.

Source: FiveThirtyEight

ICM’s Chief of Operations Lionel Caveron, overcome with shame, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, but he was off by over 45 degrees and shot an elderly woman in the calf instead.

Results in the UK’s snap election of June 8th have confirmed a hung parliament, raising prospects yet again of a coalition government in London, although pollsters had predicted conservatives to maintain their majority.  It was yet another major failure by British polling organizations.

ComRes Editor-in-Chief Milford Blatley attempted to put a shotgun to his throat, but appeared to have miscalculated the electrons being sent to his biceps, and instead blasted a raven’s nest in Birmingham.

After failing to predict a conservative landslide in 2015, a “Leave” vote in the 2016 “Brexit” referendum, and Donald Trump’s US presidential victory the following November, British pollsters have failed once again.  The shame was overwhelming.

Kantar’s board of editors attempted to put cyanide gas in their ventilation system, but a misreading of their maps led them to poison a nearby kindergarten instead.

YouGov Pollster Colby Donehue attempting to fire at his own chest.

Pollsters are now predicting Jeremy Corbyn to be named British Prime Minister with 112% certainty.

Nate Silver did not contribute to this report.  He cannot be reached at thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com

 

 

Black Lives Matter Demands Montenegro Change Name

WASHINGTON – Montenegro has surfaced in the news lately, as President Trump appeared to shove the small Balkan nation’s prime minister out of the way in preparation for a photo with other NATO leaders.

Black Lives Matter Protesters outside the Embassy of Montenegro Friday

However, it was the decade-old nation’s name, derived from black mountain in Latin, that drove the ire of Black Lives Matter protesters outside the nation’s embassy in Washington this weekend.

“Negro is a terrible word, and it should be illegal!” screamed Betsy Adams, a senior gender studies major at Howard University.  “How dare the Ancient Romans not take the plight of contemporary African-Americans into consideration!”

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