Democrats Disguising Guns as Undocumented Immigrants

LOS ANGELES – Democrats in California spent most of Monday disguising various firearms as undocumented immigrants.

Hopeful of getting Republicans to finally approve some forms of reasonable gun control measures at the federal level, Democrats are trying innovative methods to reach across the aisle.  They believe it is the only way to convince Republicans that guns may be a threat to the country.

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“Kill 10,000 people, they want you everywhere and anywhere, totally unregulated,” said California’s Democratic Senator, Kamala Harris, about guns. “But cross the border illegally and they’ll build a wall just to keep out your friends.”

The guns were placed in human clothing and given various accessories, then placed under trees in several Californian cities. Republicans who witnessed the firearms in disguise were reportedly very concerned about their potential threat to Americans.

“That over there! That needs to be regulated and removed from society!” said Republican Congressman Steve King, from Iowa’s 4th district, as Republican activists approached the weapons and began to remove the disguises.

“It’s like that Skittles thing.  If one out of 100 are dangerous, we shouldn’t take the risk, and we should crack down on not restricting the gun rights of law-abiding citizens because no law can prevent all tragedies and bad people don’t follow the law,” said Mr. King, eyes widening as the disguises were removed.

Mr. King then left the area, and Democratic activists re-dressed the guns. While waiting for more Republicans to arrive, Mrs. Harris had to shoo away Representative Barbara Lee, the Democrat from California’s 13th district, who was trying to hand over money and driver’s licenses to the firearms.

Eric Cartman contributed to this report.  He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Swiss Start Slow Clap as Team Korea Blown Out Yet Again

♪ “Taste the kimchi, taste the rice! Team Korea, here unites!” ♪

PYEONGCHANG – The united women’s hockey team of North and South Korea was treated to a deeply-sought slow-clap at the 2018 Winter Olympic games in Korea on Wednesday.

After losing two straight games 8-0 to Sweden and Switzerland, Team Korea arrived for their final match against Japan last night fighting for some respect and dignity. They arrived on the rink, singing this tune with pride, power, and not taking no crap off of nobody.

They were about to find out, uniting their countries wasn’t so easy!

Just like Switzerland and Sweden before it, Japan happily sabotaged the Korean peace effort, defeating Team Korea by a score of 4-1 and sealing a demoralizing 0-3 run for the home team.

“As usual, Japan and Switzerland demonstrated that war is all they’ve ever cared about,” said Team Korea’s Canadian Coach, Sarah Murray. “Sweden could have stayed neutral and kept out of it, but obviously that’s not what Swedes do. They get involved and cause problems,” she said, referring to Team Sweden’s 8-0 rout of Team Korea on Monday.

Outscored 20-1 in their three games, Team Korea nonetheless put up a spirited effort in their loss to Japan. Referee Tina Alan recalled how she nearly called it early in mercy to the players, but was headed off by the emotional moment.

“I was going to call the game midway through the third period, maybe give the North Koreans a chance to evacuate to a safer country,” she said. “But then the Swiss started that slow-clap and we thought, meh, let’s let them finish.”

The Swiss slow-clap, as it does, gradually turned into a spirited applause for Team Korea who gave it their all as a team struggling to overcome their comically disparate character flaws and differences.  The clap consumed the entire rest of the game, likely preventing another four goals by the Japanese team.

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Swiss Women’s Hockey Team cheering on Team Korea after finding newfound respect in the latter’s overcoming adversity to make a spirited Olympic effort.

“Very good Korea,” said Switzerland’s Ana Muller to Team Korea’s Sojung Shin, having overcome her insecurities and aversions toward a new and unconventional opponent, now viewing them as a worthy and respectable equal. “See you in four years, ja?”

Last to join in the applause was US Vice President and head of the American delegation Mike Pence, who spent most of the Olympics looking on with a sour look, but was overcome by the inspiring demonstration of the young Korean women.

US Vice President Mike Pence (left) pondering whether the hard-working young girls can overcome his icy hesitance and be worthy of his approval and applause.

He gave that last, approving-nod-with-a-furrowed-brow-and-firm-but-slight-smile-indicative-of-having-overcome-his-own-doubts, and joined the applause.

Icy Sprints contributed to this report.  They can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

Switzerland Ruins Korean Peace Effort

♪ Some people, you know they can’t believe! ♬ Korea has a unified ho-ckey team! ♪

PYEONGCHANG – Team Korea’s team could be heard singing this tune as they marched onto the ice Saturday at the Olympic games in PyeongChang, South Korea. Fans were screaming themselves hoarse, joyous and proud to see a united Korean team, whose leaders know nothing but strife, yet whose players appeared to stand together as sisters.

But their newly formed team was about to find out, getting along wasn’t going to be easy.

Don’t touch me,” said Team Korea’s Sojung Shin to new North Korean teammate Jong Su-hyon, as they engaged in grueling warmups. Clearly the team had some camaraderie kinks to work out, notwithstanding the fact that the North Korean players kept calling their teammates “Comrade.”

The unified Korean team had ignited a peninsula-wide dream of bringing together the adversarial sibling nations. Then came the puck drop.

Switzerland’s women’s national hockey team was all over the ice, showing off and embarrassing the host nation on Saturday.  Notching a dominant 8-0 victory, the Swiss shattered hopes for peace and reunification of North and South Korea. And they don’t seem to care.

“Vhy don’t you put training wheelz on zose skates?” said the Swiss team’s leading scorer, Alina Muller, to Team Korea’s Canadian coach, Sarah Murray, while she gave basic pointers to some North Korean skaters. “Ya, are you going to tuck them in when you’re done?”

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Swiss National Women’s Hockey Team mocking their Korean opponents Saturday

Switzerland’s obliterating victory has crushed their dreams with the weight of an Alpine glacier.

“It’s tough coming back from this,” said Coach Murray. “Switzerland has once again shown that it has only one desire – war.”

Switzerland was defiant, provoking Team Korea at every opportune moment.

“You have no business here, North Korea,” said Muller bitterly at Pyeongchang’s folksy Korean music bar after the game, reflecting bitter hatred, with a shade of striving for an insecure father’s impossible expectations of victory. “Jou and jour communist friends, playing like you’re hockey players. Jou wanna zay something? Come on, out wiz it.”

Team Korea’s Sojung Shin then took teammate Jong Su-hyon to the bathroom and forced her to look in the mirror, repeating unheard empowerment phrases over and over.

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Pride! Power! A badass comrade who only take crap from the Politburo!

A large fight then ensued, after which the Swiss team learned that maybe their opponents have more guts and grit than they initially credited them for.

To be continued…

John Candy contributed to this report. He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Jeb Bush to Emerge from Bedroom for First Time in Two Years

MIAMI – Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida, announced yesterday that he would be leaving his bedroom for the first time since quitting the 2016 presidential race two years ago.

After embarrassing losses in the Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina primaries in early 2016, the son and brother of former presidents faced the daunting reality that voters preferred the candidate who bullied and lambasted him on stage. Donald Trump, the brawly New Yorker, went on to steal Jeb Bush’s dream job nine months later.

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“I wasn’t upset about Donald disparaging me,” he wrote in a brief email. “I didn’t spend most of March crying. That’s fake ne– I mean, that’s a misquote.”

After two years of misery, fatigue, and shame, Jeb Bush feels he is finally ready to step back outside his bedroom.

“My Jeb is a contender,” said his mother, Barbara Bush.   “He always puts up a good fight when I tell him to stop playing video games or eat his Power bars.”

Mr. Bush reportedly considered emerging last year, before quickly retreating under his sheets when Congress failed to fully repeal the Affordable Care Act over the summer.

“I’ve packed his pajamas, his Spanish-English dictionary, his turtles, and some Energy bars,” said Mrs. Bush. “Go get’em Jeb!!”

Monster Energy Drinks contributed to this report. They can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com.

Philadelphians Suddenly Not Terrible People Anymore

PHILADELPHIA – After decades of frightening reports, violent tailgates, and rambunctious viral videos, Philadelphia’s iconic and obnoxious sports fans suddenly and unexpectedly became kind, gracious, professional, intellectual ladies and gentlemen Sunday night, following their Eagles’ first Super Bowl championship over the New England Patriots.

Long known for crumbling sports shortcomings and subsequently vile, obnoxious fans of their teams, Philadelphia turned a new leaf Thursday, as the city hit record low numbers in bottles thrown, people spat on, and nursing mothers physically assaulted.

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Local Woman Impressed with President Trump for not Defecating Pants During SOTU

RALEIGH – A local suburban mother of three was very impressed with President Trump’s State of the Union Address last night, highlighting his successful effort to hold his bowels as he stood before both houses of Congress.

“He just showed so much restraint and maturity,” said Karen Mourmont, a housewife from Cornelius, North Carolina, seated with friends and family, as the others nodded in agreement. “He didn’t throw poop at Nancy Pelosi once!”

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Democrats Fear Losing Dozens of Voters if they Embrace Legal Weed

WASHINGTON – Democratic leaders are shaking over a potential loss of support if more of their prominent voices come out in support of ending national marijuana prohibition.

New Jersey’s newly inaugurated Governor Phil Murphy, a Democrat, rattled the national establishment by openly supporting legalized weed during his successful 2017 election campaign, losing an estimated 5-7 voters in the process.

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“We’ll never get those votes back” fumed Dianne Feinstein, Democratic Senator from California, suggesting only the historic unpopularity of outgoing Republican Governor Chris Christie (a staunch legal weed opponent) saved Mr. Murphy. “How on Earth do Democrats think this is a winning issue?”

According to a recent poll by Gallup, a tiny minority of 64% of Americans support legalization, as well as a measly 72% of Democrats. Additionally, Democrats stand little chance of gaining more than just a few million Republican votes, since only a small minority of 51% of Republicans support legalization, while a healthy and robust 29% of Republican voters express confidence in their party. Republican voters are certainly not up for grabs on any issue whatsoever.

Representative Steny Hoyer (MD-5), Democratic Whip, suggested these stats showed grave danger for Democrats.

“The Democrats we need to win are cops… old people who support authoritarianism… working-class Joe Schmo’s who never took drugs… people who never left their hometown and bullied the losers who smoked weed… Jeff Sessions fans…  without them, we’re doomed!” he said.

Hopeful of taking the House and even whispering of chances to take the Senate in November, Democrats are nonetheless struggling to find a unifying message to motivate voters, beyond just opposing an unpopular President Trump.

Mr. Hoyer worried about the potential effects of marijuana on Democratic voters, who tend to be younger and probably more likely to use the drug.

“Marijuana will not help us win,” he said. “We don’t want “high” voter participation.”

Someone who just realized ants are the coolest creature in the animal kingdom and will probably succeed humans as rulers of the planet contributed to this report.  He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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New York Liberals Threaten to Vote Joe Manchin Out in West Virginia Primary

NEW YORK OR CHARLESTOWN: New York Democrats are targeting West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin and pledging not to vote for him in their Democratic primary on June 26th, 2018.

Mr. Manchin was one of a few moderate Senate Democrats who sided with Republicans to end the federal government shutdown this week, abandoning a short stand in defense of the DACA program protecting undocumented youth brought to America as children. His constituents in New York are furious.

“New Yorkers and Californians will not be voting for these Democrats!!”

“How DARE he ignore the will of his voters in Brooklyn and Queens!?” stammered Jessica Rignwatt, campaign director of Credence Moves, at an impromptu rally at Prospect Park in Brooklyn. “Joe Manchin, Heidi Heitkamp, Doug Jones, and Joe Donnelly, we’re coming for you at the ballot box!” she chanted, referring to Democratic senators from North Dakota, Alabama, and Indiana as well.

“New Yorkers won’t be voting for you!” she screamed, to storms of approval from fellow New York progressives.

Mr. Manchin, Mrs. Heitkamp, Mr. Jones, and Mr. Donnelly did not respond to calls to their New York offices. Reporters also tried to get in touch with their offices in San Francisco, Seattle, Boston, and Chicago, where their constituents were also furiously protesting and boasting of plans to vote for primary challengers.

Asked how a New Yorker planned to mount a successful primary challenge against a West Virginia Senator, Ms. Ringwatt replied, “We’re going to vote for Michelle Obama!”

“She’s popular down at the yoga studio, so we’re confident she’ll be very successful in West Virginia and bring our New York values to the Senate.”

People who put ketchup on everything contributed to this report.  They can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Barrage of Instagram Posts from Manhattan Women’s March Successfully Convert Red States into Blue States.

NEW YORK – Millions of registered voters who cast their ballots for now-President Trump and congressional Republicans across rural America expressed complete reversals in their political ideologies over the weekend, turning dozens of reliably-Republican state voter-blocs into reliably-Democratic ones.  The sudden shift was a direct result of the Women’s March held in Manhattan and the many Instagram posts to emerge from it.

Protestors rallies around the nation in Women’s Marches, with Manhattan drawing the largest throng of 200,000 attendees.

“We want the president to know that we here in New York will not tolerate his hateful ideology and damaging policies,” said a protestor, Louise Beck. She then posted her sign, labeled “Who run the world? Girls!” to Instagram.

“We’re getting way more New Yorkers to care about politics, and all of these New Yorkers will have a message for Trump in 2020!” said Beck, with friends around her cheering her on. “You will lose New York by an even larger meaningless margin!”

The effects of her Instagram post, with its hashtags “#womensmarch” and “#resist,” and the hundreds of thousands of similar posts that followed it were, electorally speaking, more widespread.

In fifteen of the thirty states won by President Trump in the 2016 election, his approval rating dropped from an average of about 50% to just single digits, and Democrats took a major generic ballot leads over Republicans for 2018 Congressional races.

As #MyBody hashtags from New York, Boston, and San Francisco trickled onto the phone and computer screens in Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Mississippi and Alabama, Evangelical voters across the Bible Belt expressed support, en masse, for Roe V. Wade, the landmark 1973 court decision protecting elective abortion rights for women.

“I have prayed to end abortion every day of my life,” said Patty McPherson, a 2016 Trump-voter in Glifford, Mississippi. “But then I saw the hashtag “#resist” trending on Facebook, with some really nice Valencia-filtered photos of 5th Avenue in New York City, and that convinced me to be a Democrat again.”

Brian Tanning, a former coal miner in Blacksville, West Virginia, who has worked at a Bennigan’s since losing his mining job eight years ago, had similar sentiments.

“Initially I was just mad about all these illegals, about them coming into my country and taking our jobs. But then I saw lots of Instagram photos of liberal New Yorkers and Californians, and I began to realize how much I actually want to see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi running Congress again.”

Ms. Beck finished her protesting, then went to Town Stages Studio in Manhattan with some friends to meditate and reflect on all she’d achieved.

“It felt so good to do all we had to do to win our future back,” she said, taking a meditation selfie and posting it to Instagram, securing Montana’s electoral votes for the Democrat in 2020. “Because if our progressive ideas triumph here in New York City, they can triumph anywhere!”

New York Realty contributed to this report. They can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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White House Physician: President Trump Can Walk On Water

WASHINGTON – Official White House Physician Ronny L. Jackson assured reporters on Wednesday that President Trump is not only healthy, but he can walk on water as well.

“The President has shown that his heart is fully functional, his lungs are spotless, his body-fat levels are down, his liver is unblemished, his chins are one, and his hydro-plane skills superb,” said Dr. Jackson, a former rear admiral in the navy.

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