Trump Offers Barron, Eric to Kim Jong-un in Ongoing Negotiations

WASHINGTON – President Trump has offered his son Barron to Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in the latest round of negotiations with the reclusive state over its nuclear arsenal. He also offered “half” of his second son, Eric. “This is a bold concession,” said Choeag-ui Adeul, a senior North Korea Analyst at the South […]

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MUELLER MADNESS! Stormy Daniels Continues Cinderella Run

Stormy Daniels on Cinderella Run to End Trump Dynasty Stormy Daniels has continued her unprecedented march toward ending the presidency of Donald J. Trump, as the 14th seed rides toward the Elite Eight of Mueller Madness. “You could say she’s storming toward history,” commented an ESPN article writer, chuckling to himself and high-fiving his contractually-obligated-to-reciprocate […]

Guy Who Slaved His Entire Life Complains About Cool Guy Partying With Hookers, Hated by Entire Nation

WASHINGTON – James Comey, former director of the FBI, was seen Sunday night living in his own nightmare. The long-time public servant worked hard his entire life. He always did his homework, graduating from the University of Chicago Law School when he was twenty-four years old. Immediately thereafter, he entered public service, working for the […]

Paul Ryan Retiring to Spend More Time With His Chilling Shame

MILWUAKEE – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced he would retire after his term ends in 2019, in a speech on Wednesday. The 48-year-old Republican now wishes to spend more time with his deep, bone-chilling shame. “In my 20 years in Congress a lot has changed,” said Mr. Ryan. “I have worked tirelessly to […]

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Scott Pruitt Builds Taxpayer-funded Personal Halo to Escape Runaway Climate Change

OUTER SPACE – Administrator Scott Pruitt has ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to build him an entire Halo Array, with which he could escape the environmentally crumbling planet, an investigation has discovered. The embattled Trump-appointed director of the EPA has come under severe pressure and scrutiny over the past few weeks, after reporters discovered he […]

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As Trade War Ravages Wall Street, Trump Desperately Takes Dump on South Lawn

WASHINGTON – President Trump, eager to avoid or win a trade war he began with China, this morning took the unusual step of having a bowel movement on the South Lawn of the White House. During a live phone interview with CNN’s Blake Topper, President Trump’s economic advisor Peter Navarro was asked about the numerous […]

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Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio Enjoy Organized Playdate

MIAMI – Former Florida governor Jeb Bush and current Florida Senator Marco Rubio enjoyed a festive Easter playdate yesterday. Organized by the men’s respective mothers, the two failed 2016 presidential candidates found they had quite a lot in common. “It’s just so nice to see my Jeb enjoying some time with his new friend,” said […]

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Jeb Bush Beats Up Local Bully

MIAMI – Jeb Bush had to be pulled off of a 12-year-old boy yesterday, having beaten the young child beyond submission in a counter-bullying incident. “AT-LEAST-MY-CHILDREN-LOVE-ME!” screamed the former Governor of Florida, his eyes full of rage as he delivered pounding blows onto the young boy. Apparently the young child, Ronnie Wonnup, had a history […]

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NRA Pledges to Move to 100% Recycled Ideas by 2020

FAIRFAX – The NRA announced on Monday that they will be moving forward with plans to use 100% recycled ideas by 2020. The unprecedented step comes two days after the pro-gun-reform March For Our Lives drew millions of protestors nationwide. The NRA is streamlining their positions so supporters “can use the same arguments over and over […]

Local Man Plans Several Angry Internet Comments if Trump Fires Mueller

NASHVILLE – Gerald Hansley, a CVS clerk in Nashville, declared today he would angrily post comments on several social media sites if President Trump moves to shut down the Russia special counsel investigation. The special counsel, headed by Robert Mueller, has been investigating possible collusion between the Russian government and the Trump presidential campaign. President […]