Year: 2011

Students Eat Feces, Talk of Firing Edsall at Campus Farm

Posted on: December 8, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Sports, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Coach, Eat Shit, Feces, Fire Edsall, Football, Maryland Football, North Campus Diner, Porky the Pig, Randy Edsall, Terps, Terrapins, University of Maryland

It was a spectacle like no other. Last night, reporters at the University of Maryland Campus farm on Paint Branch Drive documented a feast encompassing over 1000 students, but they […]

The O’Doul’s Diary: Diluted Debauchery

Posted on: November 13, 2011 by frankmayo
Categories: Distractions
Tags: Amber Heard, Bruce Robinson, Chenault, Drugs, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Frank Mayo, Hunter S. Thompson, Johnny Depp, Paul Kemp, Puerto Rico, Sanderson, The Rum Diaries

Have you ever listened to someone describe a night of heavy drinking to you? The story usually starts off sensibly: your friend describes his day, the time, the occasion, and […]

Rise of the Planet of the Cinematically Challenged: How the fuck did this pull in $167 Million?

Posted on: September 17, 2011 by frankmayo
Categories: Distractions
Tags: ALZ112, Alzheimer's, Brian Cox, Caesar, Charla Nash, Charles Rodman, Draco Malfoy, Frank Mayo, Freida Pinto, James Franco, John Lithgow, Planet of the Apes, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Rupert Wyatt, Saab, Twentieth Century Fox, Will Rodman

So I was driving the other day when I was caught behind a rusty Saab with spinning rims.  Despite how hilariously disgusting it was, I wasn’t laughing at this Saab, […]

UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

Posted on: September 7, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Baltimore Sun, College Park, Cop Humor, David Mitchell, Fascism, Marc Limansky, Martin O'Malley, Minor, Open Fire, Police Chief, Public Safety, Shoot to Kill, The Diamondback, Town Hall Bar, UMD, UMDPD, UMPD, Underage Drinking, University of Maryland, Wallace Loh, Washington Post

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been […]

Jimmy John’s Apologizes for Delivery Mishap

Posted on: September 3, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: "News", Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: College Park, Hurricane Irene, Jimmy John's, Matt Wampler, Sam Preer, UMD

Jimmy John’s Sandwiches, located in downtown College Park, Maryland, issued a public apology this week for a delivery mishap that occurred during Hurricane Irene. The hurricane swept through College Park […]

FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

Posted on: August 23, 2011 by fake wallace loh
Categories: "News", Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Consumer Protection Agency, Daycon, Dr. Wallace Loh, Drop Daycon, Environmental Protection Agency, GOP, Israel, Judicial, Lays and gesbians, Loh2012, Obamacare, POTUS, Republican Nomination, Republican Primary Debate, Republicans, Running for President, Terps, U.S. Presidential Election, University of Maryland, White House

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary. Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake […]

Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Posted on: August 15, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Barack Obama, Election 2012, Glenn Beck, GOP, Honolulu Advertiser, Iowa, Obamacare, Politics, Republican, Republican Primary Debate, Shanghai, University of Maryland, Wallace Loh

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican. Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for […]

Dead Hippo Found Under Floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s

Posted on: August 1, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: College, Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives
Tags: Bentleys, College Park, Hippopotamus, Local Business, R.J. Bentley's, Scott Van Pelt, UMD for Clean Energy

Shock and awe reigned in downtown College Park this morning, when a dead hippopotamus was discovered wedged in the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station.  Evidence indicated it had been […]

Burnt Out Lantern: Another Pathetic Attempt at Revamping Comic Book Superheroes

Posted on: July 27, 2011 by frankmayo
Categories: Distractions
Tags: Burnt Out Lantern, Green Lantern, Peter Sarsgaard, Ron Jeremy, Ryan Reynolds

Yes, I understand that Warner Brother’s Green Lantern was released over a month ago. Yes, I understand that the movie has been established as grade A Hollywood dog shit. However, […]

Introducing Frank Mayo

Posted on: July 26, 2011 by thirstyturtletimes
Categories: Distractions
Tags: Frank Mayo, Friedberg and Seltzer, Misery, Syrit

It is my pleasure to introduce our newest contributor, Frank Mayo. When I asked Frank to describe himself for me, his only response was that he “comes in all shapes […]