Month: October 2017
Entire Trump Administration Derailed by ‘Perfect’ Late-Night Comedy Joke
NEW YORK – The Trump Administration has come to a crashing halt, with all executive branch offices of the federal government vacated as of 8:00 AM Monday. The apparent cause […]
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Local Gamestop Employee Tired of Gary Johnson’s Awkward Flirting
ALBUQUERQUE – Local Gamestop employee Anita Parker reported last Friday that she was growing sick and tired of former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson’s awkward flirting and cheesy pickup lines, […]
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Trump Administration Condemns Post-2016 Politicizing of Dead Soldiers
WASHINGTON – The Trump Administration is coming down hard on Democrats and journalists whom they accuse of politicizing US soldiers killed in combat, something they insist has not been acceptable […]
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Gen. John Kelly Momentarily Forgets President Trump Exists
WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly had a momentary brain fart at a press conference yesterday, forgetting, despite his best efforts, to recall the name, character, […]
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Republicans Propose Orchestrating Neutron Star Collision to Pay for Tax Cuts
CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to […]
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The Onion Sues Trump Administration for Stealing All Their Ideas
CHICAGO: The Onion, a satirical news source known for outrageous headlines of impossible-to-believe stories, is suing the Trump Administration for stealing so many of their ideas and attempting to make […]
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University of Virginia Students, Furious at Trump and Republicans, Unsure what to do Instead of Voting on Election Day
CHARLOTTESVILLE: Students at the University of Virginia here in Charlottesville are angry, and with Election Day approaching fast, many are struggling to come up with what to do instead of […]
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NHL Players Kneel For US Anthem, Slip, and Fall on Their Faces
NEW YORK: NHL players attempted to kneel in protest during the American National Anthem Sunday, but were unable to keep their balance and fell on their faces. Hockey players for […]
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US Secretary of State and North Korea Reach Unprecedented Agreement That Donald Trump is a Fucking Moron
SEOUL/NEW YORK: North Korea and the US State Department stunned the world on Wednesday by reaching a major accord for the first time in years, agreeing that US President Trump […]
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Welcome to the Flat Earth Times
We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news […]
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