WASHINGTON – Senate Republicans, working feverishly to shore up support for a deeply unpopular tax plan, added scrotum-cleansing as an additional benefit to the top tax bracket to the bill Thursday morning, hoping to prevent possible defections from the forthcoming vote.
Currently, the nation’s top earners are taxed at 39.6% of their income, not including capital gains or deductions. The business rate is 35%, though most are able to deduct to about 24% on average, with no scrotum-cleansing for any earners. The new plan aims to cut the personal rate to 38% and the business rate to 20%, and include scrotum-cleansing for top-bracket earners as well.
“This was an important addition,” said Senator James Lankford, the Republican from Oklahoma. “We expect scrotum-washing will pay for itself with increased productivity from job-creators.”
Democrats were apoplectic. “I can’t BELIEVE Trump tweeted that about Muslims!” said Democratic Senator Michael F. Bennet of Colorado. “Wait, what was that about taxes?”
Republican leadership was still scrambling for holdouts on their tax reform bill Thursday morning, looking for support from Senators Susan Collins (R, Maine), Steve Daines (R, Montana), and Ron Johnson (R, Wisconsin). While this amendment may rattle those potential votes, it seemed to lock down other Senators concerned about the hygiene of America’s wealthy.
“I’m a man of the people,” said Republican Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas on Capitol Hill this morning. “If we didn’t get this in the bill, I was ready to drive all the way out to the Hamptons with a washcloth and handsoap and scrub those balls myself once aga-“ he said, stopping short.
“That, I’m sure, is what the people of Arkansas would want,” he added hastily.
Other Senators were more skeptical, concerned the wages for scrotum-cleansers could balloon the federal budget deficit.
“I’m hoping we can get some cuts to help pay for this, because we obviously need it,” said Senator John Cornyn, Republican from Texas, hinting at hurricane relief funding cuts, yet hopeful they may not be necessary.
“Hopefully the freshly cleansed scrotums will trickle-down on all of my constituents.”
Tom Green contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org