Month: December 2017

Orrin Hatch Sick of Kids Skateboarding on His Sidewalk

Posted on: December 28, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News"
Tags: child labor, Oliver Twist, sidewalk, Skateboardin', Skateboarding, tax cuts, Utah

WASHINGTON – Utah Senator Orrin Hatch expressed dismay today of kids skateboarding on the sidewalk outside his apartment in Washington D.C. “Darn kids always skateboardin’ on the sidewalk!” he stammered […]

Republican Leaders Elated To Receive Coal From Santa

Posted on: December 25, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Christmas, Coal, North Pole, President Trump, Republicans, Santa Claus, Violent Revolution, West Virginia, Xi Jingping

CHARLESTON – Republican leaders around the country were ecstatic Christmas morning to receive coal from Santa. “Another promise, another victory,” declared President Trump at the White House. “Bring back coal? […]

Future Taxpayers Send #MeToo Messages Back in Time

Posted on: December 21, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation, World
Tags: #MeToo, Bernese Sanders Mountain Raiders, Bitcoin, Empasynthesizing, Facebook, Future taxpayers, Republicans, Tax Cuts and Jobs Act, Time Rapists

TWENTY-SEVENTEEN: The future arrived in furious fashion in Washington today, after passage of the “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” by Republican-controlled Congress. Future American taxpayers used social media posts, postcards, […]

Report: Russians Making Fake People

Posted on: December 18, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", World
Tags: CNN, cybernetic organisms, Jake Tapper, Russia, Russian government, Ted Crockett

LANGLEY, VIRGINIA – The Russian government, widely acknowledged to have interfered in the 2016 US presidential election, has now been reportedly making cybernetic organisms to infiltrate American politics. The Russian […]

Mississippi and Arkansas Vie For Open “Worst State in the Union” Title

Posted on: December 14, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Analysis, College, Sports
Tags: Alabama, Arkansas, Barbecue Butter, Chris McDaniel, Doug Jones, Mississippi, Phil Bryant, Roy S. Moore, Walmart Scooter, Worst State

LITTLE ROCK – After a shocking election upset that sent number one seed Alabama home and packing, the people of both Mississippi and Arkansas have found renewed hope for a […]

Washington D.C. Teenagers Ecstatic They Can Still Hang Out At The Mall

Posted on: December 13, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", College, Nation
Tags: Alabama, Doug Jones, Gadsen, pedophile, Roy Moore, Teenagers, the mall, Washington D.C.

WASHINGTON – It wasn’t just Democrats reveling a shocking upset victory last night, as Democrat Doug Jones defeated Republican Roy Moore to become Alabama’s next Senator. Teenagers across Washington, D.C. […]

Magical Curse Forbids Republican Politicians From Endorsing Democrats

Posted on: December 12, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: #ReaganCurse, Bhutan, Condoleezza Rice, Democrats, Doug Jones, Jigme Singye Wangchuck, Magic Curse, Neil Gordon, Ouija, Racist Rapists, Republicans, Ronald Reagan, Roy Moore, University of Alabama

BIRMINGHAM – Scientists and religious experts today discovered a magical curse that appears to prevent Republican politicians from endorsing Democrats in American elections. “This was an extraordinary discovery of deductive […]

Doug Jones Campaign Brimming with Confidence After Eighth White Voter Pledges Support

Posted on: December 11, 2017 by Flat Earth Times News Desk
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Alabama Special Senate Election, Birmingham, Doug Jones, Roy Moore

BIRMINGHAM – The Senate Campaign of Democrat Doug Jones received a much-needed boost in Alabama today as Jim, an insurance agent in Birmingham, became the eighth white voter in the […]

Roger Stone Furiously 3D-Printing Sexual Assault Victims For Democrats

Posted on: December 11, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: #MeToo, Gina, Leanne Tweeden, Miami, Roger Stone, Sexual Assault, T12000

MIAMI – Long-time Republican political consultant Roger Stone is aggressively assembling an army of sexual assault victims to take down various Democratic politicians. “This is Gina,” said Stone, demonstrating the […]

OPINION – The Republican Tax Plan is Great!*

Posted on: December 7, 2017 by williamwallace
Categories: "News", Nation
Tags: Amendments, Fake News, Republican Tax Overhaul Bill, scribbles

The Republican Tax Overhaul Bill is Amazing! It is passing so fairly! Every study says it will grow the economy so much! Lots of jobs! The unemployment rate will go […]