Flat Earth Times News Desk December 11, 2017

BIRMINGHAM – The Senate Campaign of Democrat Doug Jones received a much-needed boost in Alabama today as Jim, an insurance agent in Birmingham, became the eighth white voter in the Yellowhammer State to declare his support for the former prosecutor.

“Yeah, Roy Moore is just kind of a creepo,” said Jim, scratching his head. The Doug Jones Campaign is now studying him to see how they can keep their momentum going.

“We were really struggling to get past the sixth voter, the old ‘sinners sixth’ as it were,” said Doug Jones campaign spokesman Sebastian Kitchen. “Eight is just unprecedented. What’s next?!”

The Roy Moore campaign did not respond for comment, and rumors that they had secured their first black voter could not be confirmed.

The race is currently too close to call, with polls generating leads for both candidates.

“There are a lot of promising statistics heading into this election,” said Kitchen. “Consider that 62.5% of Doug’s white supporters say they know him personally and see him every day – he’s really family to these voters!”

Others were focused on the little things.

“This Derrick Jones guy has a lot going for him,” said Jim. “I like that he’s not a pedophile.”

FiveThirtyNate contributed to this report. They can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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