MIAMI – Long-time Republican political consultant Roger Stone is aggressively assembling an army of sexual assault victims to take down various Democratic politicians.
“This is Gina,” said Stone, demonstrating the latest model off his press, a T12000 with full conversational skills and gropeable body parts. “And Chuck Schumer touched her ‘gina.”
Stone is believed to have had some advance warning of the accusations against soon-to-resign Senator Al Franken (D, MN), some of which were made by right-wing talking heads.
“Leanne Tweeden was one of our finest models!” Stone bragged, unabashed, referring to Mr. Franken’s first accuser. “Her name comes from ‘lying’ and ‘tweeting,’ which is basically our political strategy for the next three years. We’re preparing enough models for every Democrat campaign in 2018 or 2020.”
Accusations of impropriety against prominent men seem to have held more credibility in 2017 than in the past, in the wake of the #MeToo movement and the downfall of major figures such as Harvey Weinstein, Charlie Rose, and Matt Lauer for sexual misconduct allegations against them. Stone views this as a weak flank for the American left.
“These stupid Democrats don’t understand how impervious your politicians can be if their supporters don’t believe any stories about them!” he laughed. “Gina here will force them to cannibalize each other.”
Stone’s machine makes highly realistic models who can either fabricate memories of sexual misconduct, seduce prominent Democrats into inappropriate behavior, or possibly more, leading Democratic voters to abandon their representatives.
“We’re working on a time machine to send them into the past and make them look real,” said Stone. “Maybe we already did it. You’ll never know!”
Asked why he would hijack the newfound trust the American public puts into abuse victims, thereby undermining it, sacrificing gullible women as martyrs for his beliefs, to delegitimize the entire media, real abuse victims, and the American political process all at once and further destabilize the country, Stone responded, “because I can.”
Judge Roy Moore contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, and not at the local mall.