BIRMINGHAM – Scientists and religious experts today discovered a magical curse that appears to prevent Republican politicians from endorsing Democrats in American elections.
“This was an extraordinary discovery of deductive reasoning,” said Dr. Neil Gordon, an anthropologist at the University of Alabama who helped lead the discovery. His team used test subjects, a Ouija board, and a team of Bhutanese shamans to discover an omnipresent cosmic force that binds the hands and tongues of Republican politicians the moment they attempt to express support for a Democrat in any given election, no matter how obvious the choice should be.
This footage was captured of a Republican politician sitting with scientists, attempting to call the Washington Post to express support for US Senate Candidate Doug Jones, a Democrat:
Democrats have been unable to gain the public support of any prominent national Republicans, even when facing candidates the Republicans believed to be:
- Racist Rapists
- Possible Manchurian candidates
- A pedophile
- People who think being raped shuts down the uterus.
- “A threat to global order”
- A candidate who denounced constitutional amendments freeing African-Americans from slavery and giving American women the right to vote.
- A pedophile
- A pedophile
Apparently, it was because of magic.
“Many years ago, a great and terrible Republican died, but his soul did not leave,” explained Jian, a Bhutanese shaman. “He haunts every Republican soul, speaking the 11th commandment, binding their silence. They call him the Gipper.”
“There is just no other explanation for this. I mean no one can be THAT cowardly!” said Dr. Gordon, his Bhutanese shamans nodding behind him. “It’s the Reagan Curse.”
There do appear to be loopholes in the curse. Sarcasm, for example, seems to be unaffected, demonstrated by then-candidate Trump cheering on “Crazy Bernie” Sanders in the 2016 Democratic primary campaign. Republicans also appear free to pretend American elections are non-binary and endorse random certain-losers, such as Governor John Kasich’s support for non-candidate John McCain in his critical home state of Ohio in the 2016 Presidential election.
More recently, Republicans have tested the limits of the curse in trying to stop probable-pedophile and definite-wacko Roy Moore, a former judge, from winning the Alabama Senate seat vacated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Mr. Jones, Mr. Moore’s Democratic opponent, appears to be relatively sane and not a child molester, so Republicans have danced around the curse trying to help him win.
“I encourage you to take a stand for our core principles and for what is right. These critical times require us to come together to reject bigotry, sexism, and intolerance,” said former Secretary of State and Alabama native Condoleezza Rice, clearly begging voters to support Doug Jones but magically forbidden from doing so.
Senator Richard Shelby, a Republican and Alabama’s other Senator, also did his best to break the curse, making an admirable effort to express support for the Democrat, Mr. Jones. But ultimately, fear of working alongside a pedophile was not enough, as he was unable to even mention Mr. Jones’ name. He instead says he supported a “distinguished Republican.”
Senator Jeff Flake (R, AZ) appears to have bypassed the limits, tweeting a check made out to the Jones Campaign, yet still not using the E-word. He also publicly expressed support saying he “would vote for the Democrat” if he were in Alabama. He was immediately taken into testing by Dr. Gordon’s team.
“Senator Flake appears to have been under a self-induced hallucination,” said Dr. Gordon. “He somehow convinced himself, momentarily, that the Democrat WAS the Republican.” Dr. Gordon suggested he likely picked up some “serious shit” at Arizona State University, located just outside Phoenix.
Dr. Gordon believes there may be one more way to break the curse. “They could, you know, just stop being pussies,” he offered. “But that would take another miracle.”
Jigme Singye Wangchuck, all hail his grace, contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org