CHARLESTON – Republican leaders around the country were ecstatic Christmas morning to receive coal from Santa.
“Another promise, another victory,” declared President Trump at the White House. “Bring back coal? Well we did just that for the American people, delivered by Santa’s American hands.”
Republicans received lumps of coal in an apparent repudiation from Santa Claus, having found their way firmly onto Santa’s notorious “Naughty List” in 2017. Long feared by the planet’s wealthiest and most powerful, the list is associated with punitive gifts, snubs, and occasionally violent revolutions.
However, this year, Republicans saw Santa and his documents as a potential long-shot bid to reignite the nation’s flagging coal industry. Bringing back tens of thousands of coal mining jobs lost to competition and regulatory pressure was a promise of then-candidate Trump on last year’s campaign trail, and one with no feasible route to achievement.
Except from the North Pole. Republicans believe a steady stream of free coal deliveries may help the dirty fossil fuel compete in the market with wildly cheaper, safer, cleaner, more efficient power methods.
“This was one of those things we’d say and then, you know, pray for a miracle,” said West Virginia Senator Shelley Moore Capito, a Republican. “I want to personally thank Santa for acknowledging how hard we worked for this gift.”
“Ho-ho-ho,” said Santa, riding his sleigh to China to deliver reins to Chinese President Xi Jingping. “They earned it! Sometime between when they took healthcare away from 13 million people and when they gave massive tax breaks to half the naughty list, I knew I’d be sending the elves to West Virginia this year.”
Republican leaders have already worked out how to earn coal for next year as well, planning massive Social Security and Medicare cuts in 2018. Santa, however, is planning ahead.
“I’m thinking I’ll start putting wind turbines in their stockings instead.”
A dissenting Elf contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org