SALT LAKE CITY: Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts, spent most of Wednesday meticulously removing all mention of the Bay State from his Wikipedia page.
“The good people of UTAH know that this beautiful state is my home – my only home, the only state I’ve ever cared for or considered worthy of serving publicly,” said Romney, peering out from behind his computer, from a lightly furnished home in Holladay, Utah.
“I bought this computer at – what was that, Lan? Oh yeah, Creek Center, Salt Lake City, the Apple Store!” said Romney. “NOT the Apple Sotre on Boylston Street in Boston, with that nice and helpful Apple Genius, Frankie! What was that Lan? Stop what? Jockey? What do you mean stop jockey? Oh, talking? Oh okay.”
Mr. Romney is expected to launch a 2018 run for the Utah Senate seat being vacated by retiring Senator Orrin Hatch, a Republican.
“He’s got to clarify his history, and make sure Utah voters know he isn’t working for those ivory tower liberals at Harvard,” said Romney’s longtime advisor, Lanhee Chen, over the sound of Romney furiously hurling his laptop after Wikipedia moderators overruled his edits yet again.
By Wednesday night, Mr. Romney’s Wikipedia page explained that he had founded Bain Cathedral in Salt Lake City, served as Governor of Utah for eight years, director of the Utah chapter of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, President of the United States from 2013 to 2021, and an Olympic skier in the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City for the nation of Utah.
Romney was then seen scratching his head. “I don’t know if this will work, guys,” he said.
There was an audible sigh of relief when Mr. Chen reminded Mr. Romney that his internet presence is unlikely to derail him in Utah.
“Mormons don’t own computers anyway,” he said.
Mitt Romney contributed to this report before his editing credentials were revoked. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org