WASHINGTON – White House advisors spent several hours on Sunday explaining to President Trump that the archipelago of Hawaii is in fact part of the United States.
A false ballistic missile alert that left over a million Hawaiians in terror on Saturday was apparently sent out by human error. Nonetheless, Hawaiians remained very shaken by the ordeal and were perhaps looking for leadership to soothe their weary hearts and minds.
“No way am I sending condolences, that’s in Africa,” Mr. Trump was reported to have said.
“Why should I care if Africans are sending missiles at each other?” the President said. “They do it all the time. Those countries are shi-”
“Mr. President, Hawaii is part of the United States,” said an aide.
Advisors reportedly encouraged the President to send out something – anything – to the people of Hawaii, be it a consolatory tweet or a visit from the vice president. But he had not moved on.
“Hawaii is definitely the capital of Kenya,” he insisted.
Over the next several hours, advisors tried using atlases, Google Maps, Wikipedia, and a globe to convince the president Hawaii was in fact the fiftieth state of the United States, an archipelago in the Pacific Ocean. Reportedly, Trump finally became convinced after playing the 1985 computer game Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?
“So Hawaii is a state? Did they vote for me against Crooked Hillary? No? Can I win them in 2020? No? Ok, I’m going to tweet about how this economy is my achievement instead,” he is presumed to have said.
Lilo and Stitch contributed to this report. They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org