WASHINGTON – Official White House Physician Ronny L. Jackson assured reporters on Wednesday that President Trump is not only healthy, but he can walk on water as well.
“The President has shown that his heart is fully functional, his lungs are spotless, his body-fat levels are down, his liver is unblemished, his chins are one, and his hydro-plane skills superb,” said Dr. Jackson, a former rear admiral in the navy.
“His ability to walk on water is beyond question,” said Dr. Jackson. He spoke of the president’s many other miracle skills, including the ability to turn broccoli into cheeseburgers.
“I can’t tell you how often He’s used that one,” said Dr. Jackson of that particular skill. “You all should also know, He can restore innocence to the defiled. That and ONLY that is why he has allowed certain… unsavory characters… into his midst.”
Last, Dr. Jackson defended Trump’s mental state. Theories have cropped up on Twitter and liberal blogs that the president has early stages of dementia, resulting from his slurred speech and erratic statements.
“I’ve found no reason whatsoever to think the president has any issues whatsoever with his thought processes,” Dr. Jackson told reporters on Tuesday. “He’s just an asshole.”
The Church of Scientology contributed to this report. They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org