Philadelphians Suddenly Not Terrible People Anymore

PHILADELPHIA – After decades of frightening reports, violent tailgates, and rambunctious viral videos, Philadelphia’s iconic and obnoxious sports fans suddenly and unexpectedly became kind, gracious, professional, intellectual ladies and gentlemen Sunday night, following their Eagles’ first Super Bowl championship over the New England Patriots.

Long known for crumbling sports shortcomings and subsequently vile, obnoxious fans of their teams, Philadelphia turned a new leaf Thursday, as the city hit record low numbers in bottles thrown, people spat on, and nursing mothers physically assaulted.

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“It took one win to knock loose that hard wall of hatred and resentment that held back the greater ways of the city of brotherly love,” said Professor Harmon Thomas at the University of Pennsylvania, throwing out his spitball straws, beer-pong tables, and empty recyclables, and replacing them with books he’d never touched.

Overnight, Philadelphia rocketed to “beta city” in the annual Economist Index of Great Cities, nestled proudly between Boise, Idaho, and Port Noire, Nigeria.

“This city is finally picking up where it left off: drunk off its ass from a major American victory,” said Professor Thomas, referring to the legendary alcohol consumption at the Constitutional Convention of 1787.

Others felt the love in person.

“Several young men were much more polite when they refused to help me cross the street today,” said Betty Vaunto, 86.  “It was such a nice change of pace!”

“I lost my wallet during the game,” said Gordon Paselti, 28, who watched the game at McIntyre’s Pub downtown. “And on my way back to the bar this morning to hopelessly look for it, only six people heckled me, and only one poured a beer on me.  It was weird man.”

The Philadelphia Eagles will parade through the city in celebration on Tuesday, and the city’s police department is no longer expecting pandemonium.

“We’ll finally have a real excuse to not actually do anything!” said Chief of Police Richard Ross Jr.  “Thank you Eagles!”

Joe Frazier contributed to this report.  He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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