MILWUAKEE – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced he would retire after his term ends in 2019, in a speech on Wednesday. The 48-year-old Republican now wishes to spend more time with his deep, bone-chilling shame.
“In my 20 years in Congress a lot has changed,” said Mr. Ryan. “I have worked tirelessly to harm the poor, the innocent, the infirm, and our basic societal institutions. I have watched from a removed distance as my shame and sadness have grown and developed. And now, I think, I need to give them the attention they always deserved.”
Mr. Ryan’s planned departure has rattled his fellow Republicans who will miss his awesome fundraising power and steady public presence despite the unimaginable guilt they saw him endure while devastating the nation’s financing and eroding public trust in government.
For enacting an agenda that will see his children’s generation work until they’re 84, Mr. Ryan is retiring early, at just 48, thanks to an enormous backlog of shame he intends to enjoy for his remaining days.
“How Paul countenanced the racism and authoritarianism of President Trump in the hopes of passing a right-wing agenda,” said a friend of his, “It’s like a lifetime achievement of evil.”
Paul von Hindenburg contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org