Author Archives: Flat Earth Times News Desk

ANALYSIS: Senate Write-In Campaign Impossible Because Alabama Can’t Read

Republicans are in a bind in Alabama.

Republican Senatorial efforts to derail the candidacy of Roy Moore in the Alabama Special Senate election have been unsuccessful. Judge Moore, battling claims that he made sexual advances on young teenage girls in his 30s, has refused to drop out, and now it appears a write-in campaign, as a de facto replacement for Moore, is also impossible, given the inability to read of virtually all Alabama voters.

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Republicans Unable to Decide Between Tax Cuts for Millionaires, Basic Integrity

WASHINGTON – As Republican Judge Roy Moore plows on through accusations of molesting teenage girls in the Alabama special Senate Election, Republicans nationally are flummoxed.

Republicans are weighing their options between the tax cuts Moore is likely to support shortly after taking office, or the basic integrity that comes with electing a candidate not accused of inviting 14-year-old girls to your house to get them drunk and try to have sex with them.

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“This is hard,” said Gert Ningrich, a Fox News panelist. “Almost as hard as no 32-year-old man should be when he’s with a 14-year-old girl.”

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NJ and VA Republicans Send Thoughts and Prayers to Ballot Boxes

RICHMOND – Republican voters in New Jersey and Virginia sent thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) to their voting precincts on Tuesday, hoping to hold off a wave of Democrats eager to send a message to President Trump and Republicans nationwide.

“We knew this would be a tough election, so we wanted to get our #ThoughtsAndPrayers out early and often,” said Ed Gillespie, the defeated Republican candidate for governor in Virginia.

“It was a shame our thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) came up short,” he added.  “Maybe I was slouching too much on the pews.”

Bellwether elections in New Jersey and Virginia, and elsewhere delivered big wins for Democratic candidates on Tuesday, including legislative races and referendums nationwide.  It is an ominous warning of Republican vulnerabilities going into 2018 midterms and leading some Republicans to question the recipient of their thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers).

“I’m not sure we thought or prayed hard enough,” said Kim Guadagno, the Republican candidate for governor in New Jersey. “God can be elusive at the ballot box.  Or maybe we should just have thought and prayed more aimlessly, you know like, in general, with our eyes shut. Or we should have just sat quietly still with our hands clasped like we did when we were kids, and pretended to do thoughts and prayers, but really just wait for Mommy and Daddy to finish.  You know?  Or perhaps we didn’t use enough hashtags.  #ThoughtsAndPrayers”

Republicans put together an aggressive Get-Out-The-Thoughts-And-Prayers (#GOTTP) effort aided by large volunteer groups in both states.

“Our guys did a great job making sure as many voters as possible stayed home and thought and prayed for us, #ThoughtsAndPrayers,” said Gillespie.

The Republicans had a robust phone canvassing operation as well, robo-calling every precinct in both states with pre-recorded #ThoughtsAndPrayers messages in an effort to turn the tide.

There was great disappointment in Republican voters in both states.

“I can’t believe our #ThoughtsAndPrayers weren’t enough,” said Christopher Page, a Republican from Woodbridge, Virginia. “It’s almost like thoughts and prayers have nothing to do with effecting political change in a democracy,” He said.

“#ThoughtsAndPrayers.”

Thoughts and Prayers contributed to this report. They can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Trump Administration Condemns Post-2016 Politicizing of Dead Soldiers

WASHINGTON – The Trump Administration is coming down hard on Democrats and journalists whom they accuse of politicizing US soldiers killed in combat, something they insist has not been acceptable since 2016.

“It is unacceptable to use our nation’s fallen heroes as political footballs in 2017,” insisted White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “The time and place to do that was during and before the 2016 US presidential election and transition.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders criticizing politicizing of Dead soldiers since 2017 yesterday

Administration officials are irate over media focus on the death of US Army Sgt. La David Johnson and three other soldiers in Niger in an ISIS ambush on October 4th, and President Trump’s controversial, delayed conciliatory phone call to Sgt. Johnson’s widow in which he allegedly told her “[Sgt. Johnson?] knew what he signed up for.” They focused their anger on House Representative Frederica Wilson (D, FL), whom the administration said in a statement, “unfairly leveled a politicized attack regarding military deaths in 2017, which is not 2016.”

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Republicans Propose Orchestrating Neutron Star Collision to Pay for Tax Cuts

CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to help pay for their tax cuts for the wealthy, also unveiled this week. The unique cosmic explosion, recently witnessed many lightyears away by scientists, is one of the universe’s only ways of creating the gold we find on our own planet.

Republican leaders have proposed bringing such a colossally violent hellfire into Earth’s neighborhood, saying the estimated nine octillion dollars in gold to come out of such an apocalyptic event may help pay for part of their proposed tax cuts for the wealthy this fall.

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