Flat Earth Times News Desk

Flat Earth Times News Desk January 15, 2018

WASHINGTON – White House advisors spent several hours on Sunday explaining to President Trump that the archipelago of Hawaii is in fact part of the United States. A false ballistic missile alert that left over a million Hawaiians in terror on Saturday was apparently sent out by human error. Nonetheless, Hawaiians remained very shaken by […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk January 11, 2018

NEW YORK: Former US Secretary of State and 2016 Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton was spotted putting on an Oprah Winfrey bodysuit in an abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn yesterday morning. Ms. Winfrey has recently been speculated as a potential 2020 challenger in the Democratic primary races for President. Hillary Clinton has expressed she doesn’t want […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk December 28, 2017

WASHINGTON – Utah Senator Orrin Hatch expressed dismay today of kids skateboarding on the sidewalk outside his apartment in Washington D.C. “Darn kids always skateboardin’ on the sidewalk!” he stammered in his apartment in the Carver section of Washington, leering out the window. “Dag nammit!” Mr. Hatch is the senior US Senator from Utah and […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk December 25, 2017

CHARLESTON – Republican leaders around the country were ecstatic Christmas morning to receive coal from Santa. “Another promise, another victory,” declared President Trump at the White House. “Bring back coal? Well we did just that for the American people, delivered by Santa’s American hands.” Republicans received lumps of coal in an apparent repudiation from Santa […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk December 18, 2017

LANGLEY, VIRGINIA – The Russian government, widely acknowledged to have interfered in the 2016 US presidential election, has now been reportedly making cybernetic organisms to infiltrate American politics. The Russian government has been known to pay thousands of internet trolls to sway American public opinion on social media. Now reports suggest the American adversary has […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk December 12, 2017

BIRMINGHAM – Scientists and religious experts today discovered a magical curse that appears to prevent Republican politicians from endorsing Democrats in American elections. “This was an extraordinary discovery of deductive reasoning,” said Dr. Neil Gordon, an anthropologist at the University of Alabama who helped lead the discovery. His team used test subjects, a Ouija board, […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk December 5, 2017

Questions remain over the tax overhaul Republicans are currently trying to conference into one passable bill – namely, why are they Russiang the bill through Congress so quickly? Democrats allege the bill is Flynng through Congress is because of its historic unpopularity. They are working overtime Staling the overhaul, but it is not clear if […]