LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again.
ICM’s Chief of Operations Lionel Caveron, overcome with shame, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, but he was off by over 45 degrees and shot an elderly woman in the calf instead.
Results in the UK’s snap election of June 8th have confirmed a hung parliament, raising prospects yet again of a coalition government in London, although pollsters had predicted conservatives to maintain their majority. It was yet another major failure by British polling organizations.
WASHINGTON – Montenegro has surfaced in the news lately, as President Trump appeared to shove the small Balkan nation’s prime minister out of the way in preparation for a photo with other NATO leaders.
Black Lives Matter Protesters outside the Embassy of Montenegro Friday
However, it was the decade-old nation’s name, derived from black mountain in Latin, that drove the ire of Black Lives Matter protesters outside the nation’s embassy in Washington this weekend.
“Negro is a terrible word, and it should be illegal!” screamed Betsy Adams, a senior gender studies major at Howard University. “How dare the Ancient Romans not take the plight of contemporary African-Americans into consideration!”
WASHINGTON – Every-day supporters of President Trump have grown increasingly agitated by left-wing snowflakes teasing and insulting them. Additionally, they feel quite offended by “hate-marches” designed to hurt the president.
Trump supporters are sick of having their feelings hurt.
“He’s a sensitive man,” said former Speaker-of-the-House and adamant Trump supporter Newt Gingrich on Fox News Sunday. “They should be more fair to him, and to us,” he finished, voice cracking, before asking for a commercial break and a glass of water.
A small number of the mostly white, working-class, male supporters came out to Washington to counter-protest against left-wing protesters on Pennsylvania Avenue this weekend. And they were very upset.
“They keep screaming and hollering at us!” said Cliff Moyer, a bricklayer from a rural Virginia county, looking highly disgruntled, as the dueling marches chanted at each other. “I’m sick of it! Damn snowflakes!” he added.
CONCORD – Adoration and praise rained down on State Representative Robert Fisher this week, as the New Hampshire Republican, accused of covertly promoting profane and chauvinist ideologies on the internet, has been hailed as a beacon of authenticity in an era of two-faced politicians.
New Hampshire State Representative Robert Fisher (R)
“Thank the Lord for Reddit!” shouted Reverend Milton Sheffield, a Concord Preacher, to a screaming crowd that gathered on Sunday to support Mr. Fisher.
Mr. Fisher was recently outed by The Daily Beast as the founder of social media site Reddit’s “The Red Pill” forum, where he has been linked to a user account suggesting women were intellectually inferior to men, only useful for sex, that feminists all have “rape fantasies,” and more.
The accurate correlation of his private views to the Republican Party platform reassured constituents across the political spectrum, who praised Fisher’s uncommon honesty and conviction.
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night.
Trump farting last night.
Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, accusations of collusion with Russia and obstruction of justice, growing whispers of impeachment, and decreasing cooperation on his agenda with congressional Republicans, the showman-turned-politician-turned president announced on Twitter that he would be delivering “major, clarifying speech from my office about this fake news!” He went live at 8:02 PM, whereupon he began to release a long, slow fart.
“It was the squeaker type” explained gastroenterology expert researcher Bernard Donovan of the University of San Diego. “The kind that begins quietly, only humoring those immediately around it, and then grows and grows until it becomes unstoppable and unwillingly coats everyone in a foul odor.”
COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and anything about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
That means everything. Egyptian Islamic Nationalism, the plumbing industry in Gaza, influence of Ethiopian Jews on Zionism, traffic conditions in each Jewish settlement, the quality of flour allocated to West Bank refugee camps are several of the infinite topics she’s fully fluent in.
If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you still dizzy from tornadoes, which apparently is the majority of this loser school, the SGA has been FUCKING UP in terms of FUCKING EVERYTHING. And the only person LITERALLY capable of punting them into line is the smart, talented, electric and uncompromising Rebecca Martinson.
Studley mistook the Chrysler Building for an ear of corn.
The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building. Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn.
This past Thursday, Baylor University’s Men’s basketball team was crowned champions of the NIT in New York City’s Madison Square Garden, defeating the University of Iowa 74-54. Studley, Iowa’s top scorer and rebounder, missed the entire game.
The prolific power forward was found on the 29th floor of the Chrysler Building while the game was still in progress. Studley was attempting to shuck third tallest building in New York City because he apparently thought it was a massive ear of corn.