thirstyturtletimes

thirstyturtletimes August 17, 2017

BERLIN – Protests descended on the Tiergarten Park yesterday after the long-awaited decision to remove a statue of Adolf Hitler from the park’s center in downtown Berlin. “It’s our German heritage!” screamed Kurtholm Frederschmidt, a window sealer from Blankenberg. “This is our German identity. The statue has nothing to do with racism or anti-semitism!” The Berlin […]

thirstyturtletimes June 9, 2017

LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again. ICM’s Chief of Operations Lionel Caveron, overcome with shame, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, but he was off by over 45 degrees […]

thirstyturtletimes May 27, 2017

WASHINGTON – Montenegro has surfaced in the news lately, as President Trump appeared to shove the small Balkan nation’s prime minister out of the way in preparation for a photo with other NATO leaders. However, it was the decade-old nation’s name, derived from black mountain in Latin, that drove the ire of Black Lives Matter protesters outside […]

thirstyturtletimes May 26, 2017

WASHINGTON – Every-day supporters of President Trump have grown increasingly agitated by left-wing snowflakes teasing and insulting them. Additionally, they feel quite offended by “hate-marches” designed to hurt the president. “He’s a sensitive man,” said former Speaker-of-the-House and adamant Trump supporter Newt Gingrich on Fox News Sunday. “They should be more fair to him, and […]

thirstyturtletimes May 22, 2017

CONCORD – Adoration and praise rained down on State Representative Robert Fisher this week, as the New Hampshire Republican, accused of covertly promoting profane and chauvinist ideologies on the internet, has been hailed as a beacon of authenticity in an era of two-faced politicians. “Thank the Lord for Reddit!” shouted Reverend Milton Sheffield, a Concord Preacher, […]

thirstyturtletimes May 17, 2017

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night. Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, accusations of collusion with Russia and obstruction of justice, growing whispers of impeachment, and decreasing cooperation on his agenda with congressional Republicans, the showman-turned-politician-turned president […]

thirstyturtletimes May 8, 2017

COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and anything about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. That means everything.  Egyptian Islamic Nationalism, the plumbing industry in Gaza, influence of Ethiopian Jews on Zionism, traffic conditions in […]

thirstyturtletimes April 28, 2017

The Thirsty Turtle Times will return, this year of our lord 2017. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began publishing what it called “fake news.”  With the graduation of all of its staff from the University of Maryland, the publication stopped printing. When it ran, the Thirsty Turtle Times used fake news for arguably good causes; […]

thirstyturtletimes April 23, 2013

Editor’s note: start here. If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement is going to be a rough fucking ride. For those of you still dizzy from tornadoes, which apparently is the majority of this loser school, […]