Author: thirstyturtletimes
Germans Protest Removal of Hitler Statue in Berlin
BERLIN – Protests descended on the Tiergarten Park yesterday after the long-awaited decision to remove a statue of Adolf Hitler from the park’s center in downtown Berlin. “It’s our German […]
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British Pollsters Attempt To Shoot Themselves, Miss Badly
LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again. ICM’s Chief […]
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Black Lives Matter Demands Montenegro Change Name
WASHINGTON – Montenegro has surfaced in the news lately, as President Trump appeared to shove the small Balkan nation’s prime minister out of the way in preparation for a photo with […]
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Trump Supporters Sick of Being Insulted By Meanie Liberal Snowflakes
WASHINGTON – Every-day supporters of President Trump have grown increasingly agitated by left-wing snowflakes teasing and insulting them. Additionally, they feel quite offended by “hate-marches” designed to hurt the president. […]
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“Red Pill” Curator Robert Fisher Hailed For Republican Authenticity
CONCORD – Adoration and praise rained down on State Representative Robert Fisher this week, as the New Hampshire Republican, accused of covertly promoting profane and chauvinist ideologies on the internet, has […]
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President Trump Farts On Live TV To Distract Press From Deepening Scandals
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night. Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, […]
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Student Protester Fully Understands Israeli-Palestinian Conflict
COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and […]
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The Thirsty Turtle Times Returns
The Thirsty Turtle Times will return, this year of our lord 2017. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began publishing what it called “fake news.” With the graduation of all […]
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Rebecca Martinson for SGA President at UMD
Editor’s note: start here. If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement […]
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University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building
The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the […]
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