Author Archives: williamwallace

World Jealous of Taliban Prisoner for not Knowing Trump was President

TORONTO – Worldwide showers of envy have rained down on Joshua Boyle, a Canadian-American man recently released along with his family from an isolated five-year imprisonment by the Taliban, for the man’s prolonged ignorance of the political ascendance of Donald Trump.

Mr. Boyle was expressed utter shock when, upon his arrival in Toronto, he was informed that Donald J. Trump, the billionaire real estate magnate and reality TV star, had somehow been elected US President last year.

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“Nine months,” lamented Phil Westowski, an accountant in Buffalo, New York. “You’re telling me he’s gone nine months thinking we had a normal president.”

Others wondered how he could have been blessed with such blissful ignorance, as he went about his days in darkness and physical torture.

“Apparently when they told him Trump had been elected, he didn’t believe them,” said Anthony Encito, a waiter in Los Angeles. “I wish I didn’t believe it, no matter how many shocks to the nipples they would have given me.”

Many envied the stability and normalcy Boyle assumed of the world as he witnessed his family be starved and exhausted.

Joshua Boyle, with that comforting smile after five years’ isolated imprisonment with the Taliban.

“It would be so nice to believe America had a competent leader,” expressed Katrien Janssens, a bakery worker in Heverlee, Belgium. “I’d sleep much better at night, even on a cave floor” she said sadly.

Still more were happy to imagine a five-year break from the news, or really anything electric at all.

“How many awful news stories did he miss…?” asked Jessica Ringwatt, a student at the University of Virginia. “What utter joy he must have had talking all day long with those evil murderers.”

There was a common feeling among those interviewed that Mr. Boyle was blessed to have his experience.

“I wish so bad the Taliban kidnapped my family for five years starting sometime before June 2015,” said Takaharu Miyazaki, an office worker in Nagoya, Japan.

“It would be a dream come true. Now he enters our nightmare.”

Janne Olson contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Houston Magically Restored After World Series Win

HOUSTON – Reeling for weeks since the catastrophic flooding of Hurricane Harvey, the great city of Houston has been restored to perfect condition, perhaps by the gods, following the World Series of baseball won by its hometown Astros.

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Houston after the World Series win Thursday morning.

The Houston Astros defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers in game seven of the World Series matchup on Wednesday night, in what sports analysts decreed was a “needed” victory for America’s fourth largest city, beleaguered, battered, flooded, and chemically contaminated by the heavy rains of Hurricane Harvey in late August.

“If you made a list of Houston’s needs, I think a World Series victory would be number one,” said Dave Travis, a Houston resident and Astros fan. “It just solved everything.”

Houses were rebuilt, parks were restored, floors reupholstered and re-polished, and hundreds of people who perished in the floods and fires were found digging themselves out of their graves.  Cars were given new engine parts, industrial plants were decontaminated, and bright green leaves now adorned every tree.  And it’s all thanks to the Houston Astros and their championship performance.

“It’s like the dioxin just vanished from the soil,” said Dr. Mark Cornin, an environmental scientist at the University of Texas. “These baseball players really delivered Houston from future generations of misery with that World Series trophy.”

Additionally, Houston’s notoriously lax zoning laws have been reversed and retroactively enforced, restoring the city’s flood-protective prairies and wetlands that were paved over for human settlement in the 1970s. What was once a certainty that a disaster like Harvey would happen again within a decade is now merely a high probability.

“This is so incredible, I’m resigning,” said Dr. Cornin. “Houston is saved. Who needs scientists when we have athletes?”

Mr. Clean contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

Twitter: @flatearthtimes

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Fox News Debuts “Shiny Object Dangling”

NEW YORK – Fox News, the top cable news provider in the United States, debuted its newest program last night, Shiny Object Dangling. The primetime show features various items of high reflectivity being dangled in front of a camera in a highly distracting and slightly amusing fashion.

The program was broadcast at 8:30 PM and lasted two hours, receiving rave reviews from conservative commentators and a surprisingly robust audience of 7.2 million viewers.

“This is one of the most highly informative programs I’ve ever seen on television,” said conservative radio host Wayne Allen Root. “There’s just so much value to the conservative, patriotic American tuning in to the full two hours. Don’t change the channel!”

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Gen. John Kelly Momentarily Forgets President Trump Exists

WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly had a momentary brain fart at a press conference yesterday, forgetting, despite his best efforts, to recall the name, character, and life story of his boss and commander-in-chief, President Donald J. Trump.

“The practice of turning our nations most sacred thing – the fallen men and women who gave everything they had to this country and its ideals – into political pawns, is abhorrent” said White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly, himself the father of a fallen veteran. “No one who hurts a Gold Star family is worthy of these halls, and I hope we don’t let it happen.  Let’s just keep that sacred.”

Asked if that stance would disqualify President Trump for political office considering his highly criticized insults of the Gold Star family of deceased US Army Captain Humayun Khan last year, General Kelly furrowed his brow, responding, “Wait… who?”

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The Onion Sues Trump Administration for Stealing All Their Ideas

CHICAGO: The Onion, a satirical news source known for outrageous headlines of impossible-to-believe stories, is suing the Trump Administration for stealing so many of their ideas and attempting to make them a reality.

Kurt Mueller, the Chief Operating Officer of the Onion, was furious and focused outside of Cook County Courthouse in Chicago. “Trump Administration Relying on Elton John Lyrics to Conduct Diplomacy with North Korea – stolen! Senators Tweet Criticism of ‘White House Daycare Nannies’ for Missing President-Sitting Shifts – also robbed! Meanwhile the President proclaims a sexual assault month and says he doesn’t need intelligence briefings because he’s ‘smart.’”

The Onion is alleging that every time they come up with the “craziest” idea for a story their 140 employees can think of, the President and his administration preempts them by stealing the idea.

“It’s almost like he has our ‘wires tapped,’” said Mueller, before bursting into laughter. “He stole that one too!”

The Trump Administration responded to this report by calling it Fake News.

President Furiously Orders Administration to Defend the Size of His Inauguration Crowd – that was my favorite one” said Mueller sadly. “We were going to cut off ‘inauguration crowd’ for click-bait, and make all kinds of penile references. I wept when Trump stole that one.”

M Night Shyamalan contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com.

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University of Virginia Students, Furious at Trump and Republicans, Unsure what to do Instead of Voting on Election Day

CHARLOTTESVILLE: Students at the University of Virginia here in Charlottesville are angry, and with Election Day approaching fast, many are struggling to come up with what to do instead of voting.

The students have not forgotten the tumultuous rallies and violence that rocked the small college town in August, killing one protester and wounding many more.

“I’ll never forget what the political right did to our town!” said sophomore poetry major Jessica Ringwatt.  “I just don’t know what to do about it.  Maybe on Election Day, I’ll listen to my favorite Yoga CD!”

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NHL Players Kneel For US Anthem, Slip, and Fall on Their Faces

NEW YORK: NHL players attempted to kneel in protest during the American National Anthem Sunday, but were unable to keep their balance and fell on their faces.

NHL players attempting to kneel Sunday

Hockey players for the New York Rangers and Montreal Canadiens attempted to kneel in solidarity with major kneeling protests done across the NFL and begun by quarterback Colin Kaepernick last year. The kneelings protest, among other issues, police brutality against black Americans.

But the logistics of kneeling proved too difficult for the heavily padded skaters. Players attempting to kneel slipped, stumbled, and landed face first on the ice, usually the moment their knees touched down, but occasionally after a bit of wobbling and muttering “I got it – wait, I got it” to no one in particular.

“We couldn’t keep our balance out there,” said Canadiens goalie Al Montoya, sipping hot chocolate after the game. “Now we know what it’s like to be black.”

PK Soubhan contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

US Secretary of State and North Korea Reach Unprecedented Agreement That Donald Trump is a Fucking Moron

SEOUL/NEW YORK: North Korea and the US State Department stunned the world on Wednesday by reaching a major accord for the first time in years, agreeing that US President Trump is a fucking moron.

The agreement, sending warm, hopeful tremors across the Earth, took some time to reach.

AP:

Tillerson after the major agreement

North Korea began raising eyebrows the past two weeks, after abandoning decades of heavily skewed propaganda to report factual news.

The North Korean Foreign Ministry last week called President Trump a “madman across the water,” and “a mentally deranged person full of megalomania and complacency” who was trying to turn the UN into a “gangsters’ nest.” Grand Marshall Kim Jong-un himself added to the shocking barrage of actual facts coming out of the normally propagandized North Korean media, referring to Trump as a “mentally deranged US dotard.”  Experts were stunned at the North Korean government’s sudden return to facts and logic.

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Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

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We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway.

But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force.

Property of the Flat Earth TimesThat alignment of words and meaning has been washed away by the rising tide of a very malicious kind of fake news. There emerged a movement of lies, lies that masked themselves as truth, designed to galvanize the hateful predispositions within us, into accepting false conclusions. Fake news of late has become, in short, a force of evil.

Where does the Flat Earth Times fit into this? We’re getting to it.

Still bound by the calling and the drive that built it, the Thirsty Turtle Times carried on, a force for positive reinforcement and encouragement to the coalition for reason – a fighting force against crazy people. That battle can no longer be fought only at the university level, or only in one town.

But we will do it right.  We want you to know, when you read our news, that we also think the Earth may be flat.

You want the truth you feel, not the truth you know. The world is flat, and our news is real.

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times!

The Flat Earth Times will continue to host most of the original content of the Thirsty Turtle Times under its “Thirsty Turtle Times historical archives” banner.

The Far-Left Continues to Blackmail and Punish Society – with the Far-Right

Today’s chapter: France, where Marine Le Pen of the far-right National Front party is poised for an almighty upset that could rock the globe.

Le Pen fields reporters in Paris. Source.

The French far-left, which claims to despise her, could stop this.  But they seem content to let Le Pen slip the left flank and upend a 72-year norm that has held Europe at peace.

Following Donald Trump’s shock victory in the US Presidential election, political resistance became something of a norm for the American left, as frustration, angst, and energy shifted rapidly to the liberal opposition. Since President Trump’s inauguration, the impotent thrusts of his trainwreck of a presidency have galvanized a global resistance movement, culminating in defeats for the resurgent far-right movements in the Netherlands and Austria, a collapse in their polling support in Germany, and a plea for normalcy in France. When polls came in at the end of March, suggesting an easy advance on April 23rd and probable win for Emmanuel Macron, leader of a new, center-left movement En Marche, it seemed France was right on pace for the ongoing extinguishment of the far-right populist firestorm that has swept the western world, with the final douse coming this Sunday, May 7th, round two of the presidential election.

Enter Jean-Luc Mélenchon, stage far-left.

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