williamwallace

williamwallace January 18, 2018

WASHINGTON – Official White House Physician Ronny L. Jackson assured reporters on Wednesday that President Trump is not only healthy, but he can walk on water as well. “The President has shown that his heart is fully functional, his lungs are spotless, his body-fat levels are down, his liver is unblemished, his chins are one, […]

williamwallace January 8, 2018

BOSTON: A new report suggests that Winter Storm Grayson, which blanketed the East coast and flooded much of Boston in a surge of seawater, was likely the result of a deal between Bob Kraft, owner of The New England Patriots professional football team, and the devil himself. “This was Satan attempting to collect on his […]

williamwallace January 4, 2018

SALT LAKE CITY: Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts, spent most of Wednesday meticulously removing all mention of the Bay State from his Wikipedia page. “The good people of UTAH know that this beautiful state is my home – my only home, the only state I’ve ever cared for or considered worthy of serving publicly,” […]

williamwallace December 21, 2017

TWENTY-SEVENTEEN: The future arrived in furious fashion in Washington today, after passage of the “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” by Republican-controlled Congress. Future American taxpayers used social media posts, postcards, and other forms of communication not yet invented to send a simple message back through time to our present day in 2017: #MeToo. “Why are […]

williamwallace December 13, 2017

WASHINGTON – It wasn’t just Democrats reveling a shocking upset victory last night, as Democrat Doug Jones defeated Republican Roy Moore to become Alabama’s next Senator. Teenagers across Washington, D.C. took to the streets to celebrate that accused child-molester Roy Moore would not be coming to the city. “Where are we going?” shouted 15-year-old Bryce […]

williamwallace December 11, 2017

MIAMI – Long-time Republican political consultant Roger Stone is aggressively assembling an army of sexual assault victims to take down various Democratic politicians. “This is Gina,” said Stone, demonstrating the latest model off his press, a T12000 with full conversational skills and gropeable body parts. “And Chuck Schumer touched her ‘gina.” Stone is believed to […]

williamwallace December 7, 2017

The Republican Tax Overhaul Bill is Amazing! It is passing so fairly! Every study says it will grow the economy so much! Lots of jobs! The unemployment rate will go down below 1%! The budget will explode with revenue! Any study denying this is Fake News! Call your representatives and senators to support this bill! […]

williamwallace November 28, 2017

Kyrie Irving has had an incredible start to the NBA season. Since losing teammate Gordon Hayward to a season-ending injury, Kyrie’s Boston Celtics rocketed to the top of the standings with a 16-game winning streak, focusing on teamwork and fourth quarter stamina, often fighting back from double-digit deficits. The edge of defeat is no match […]

williamwallace November 18, 2017

The email address we’ve been sharing is wrong.  All of our illustrious contributors can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com.  Any other email is fake news. Lies and deception did not intend to contribute to this report.  They can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

williamwallace November 9, 2017

TORONTO – Worldwide showers of envy have rained down on Joshua Boyle, a Canadian-American man recently released along with his family from an isolated five-year imprisonment by the Taliban, for the man’s prolonged ignorance of the political ascendance of Donald Trump. Mr. Boyle was expressed utter shock when, upon his arrival in Toronto, he was […]