Author Archives: williamwallace

The Onion Sues Trump Administration for Stealing All Their Ideas

CHICAGO: The Onion, a satirical news source known for outrageous headlines of impossible-to-believe stories, is suing the Trump Administration for stealing so many of their ideas and attempting to make them a reality.

Kurt Mueller, the Chief Operating Officer of the Onion, was furious and focused outside of Cook County Courthouse in Chicago. “Trump Administration Relying on Elton John Lyrics to Conduct Diplomacy with North Korea – stolen! Senators Tweet Criticism of ‘White House Daycare Nannies’ for Missing President-Sitting Shifts – also robbed! Meanwhile the President proclaims a sexual assault month and says he doesn’t need intelligence briefings because he’s ‘smart.’”

The Onion is alleging that every time they come up with the “craziest” idea for a story their 140 employees can think of, the President and his administration preempts them by stealing the idea.

“It’s almost like he has our ‘wires tapped,’” said Mueller, before bursting into laughter. “He stole that one too!”

The Trump Administration responded to this report by calling it Fake News.

President Furiously Orders Administration to Defend the Size of His Inauguration Crowd – that was my favorite one” said Mueller sadly. “We were going to cut off ‘inauguration crowd’ for click-bait, and make all kinds of penile references. I wept when Trump stole that one.”

M Night Shyamalan contributed to this report. He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com.

Follow us on Twitter @flatearthtimes

University of Virginia Students, Furious at Trump and Republicans, Unsure what to do Instead of Voting on Election Day

CHARLOTTESVILLE: Students at the University of Virginia here in Charlottesville are angry, and with Election Day approaching fast, many are struggling to come up with what to do instead of voting.

The students have not forgotten the tumultuous rallies and violence that rocked the small college town in August, killing one protester and wounding many more.

“I’ll never forget what the political right did to our town!” said sophomore poetry major Jessica Ringwatt.  “I just don’t know what to do about it.  Maybe on Election Day, I’ll listen to my favorite Yoga CD!”

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NHL Players Kneel For US Anthem, Slip, and Fall on Their Faces

NEW YORK: NHL players attempted to kneel in protest during the American National Anthem Sunday, but were unable to keep their balance and fell on their faces.

NHL players attempting to kneel Sunday

Hockey players for the New York Rangers and Montreal Canadiens attempted to kneel in solidarity with major kneeling protests done across the NFL and begun by quarterback Colin Kaepernick last year. The kneelings protest, among other issues, police brutality against black Americans.

But the logistics of kneeling proved too difficult for the heavily padded skaters. Players attempting to kneel slipped, stumbled, and landed face first on the ice, usually the moment their knees touched down, but occasionally after a bit of wobbling and muttering “I got it – wait, I got it” to no one in particular.

“We couldn’t keep our balance out there,” said Canadiens goalie Al Montoya, sipping hot chocolate after the game. “Now we know what it’s like to be black.”

PK Soubhan contributed to this report. He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

US Secretary of State and North Korea Reach Unprecedented Agreement That Donald Trump is a Fucking Moron

SEOUL/NEW YORK: North Korea and the US State Department stunned the world on Wednesday by reaching a major accord for the first time in years, agreeing that US President Trump is a fucking moron.

The agreement, sending warm, hopeful tremors across the Earth, took some time to reach.

AP:

Tillerson after the major agreement

North Korea began raising eyebrows the past two weeks, after abandoning decades of heavily skewed propaganda to report factual news.

The North Korean Foreign Ministry last week called President Trump a “madman across the water,” and “a mentally deranged person full of megalomania and complacency” who was trying to turn the UN into a “gangsters’ nest.” Grand Marshall Kim Jong-un himself added to the shocking barrage of actual facts coming out of the normally propagandized North Korean media, referring to Trump as a “mentally deranged US dotard.”  Experts were stunned at the North Korean government’s sudden return to facts and logic.

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Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

Property of the Flat Earth Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway.

But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force.

Property of the Flat Earth TimesThat alignment of words and meaning has been washed away by the rising tide of a very malicious kind of fake news. There emerged a movement of lies, lies that masked themselves as truth, designed to galvanize the hateful predispositions within us, into accepting false conclusions. Fake news of late has become, in short, a force of evil.

Where does the Flat Earth Times fit into this? We’re getting to it.

Still bound by the calling and the drive that built it, the Thirsty Turtle Times carried on, a force for positive reinforcement and encouragement to the coalition for reason – a fighting force against crazy people. That battle can no longer be fought only at the university level, or only in one town.

But we will do it right.  We want you to know, when you read our news, that we also think the Earth may be flat.

You want the truth you feel, not the truth you know. The world is flat, and our news is real.

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times!

The Flat Earth Times will continue to host most of the original content of the Thirsty Turtle Times under its “Thirsty Turtle Times historical archives” banner.

We can be contacted at either thirstyturtletimes@gmail.com OR theflatearthtimes@gmail.com.

The Far-Left Continues to Blackmail and Punish Society – with the Far-Right

Today’s chapter: France, where Marine Le Pen of the far-right National Front party is poised for an almighty upset that could rock the globe.

Le Pen fields reporters in Paris. Source.

The French far-left, which claims to despise her, could stop this.  But they seem content to let Le Pen slip the left flank and upend a 72-year norm that has held Europe at peace.

Following Donald Trump’s shock victory in the US Presidential election, political resistance became something of a norm for the American left, as frustration, angst, and energy shifted rapidly to the liberal opposition. Since President Trump’s inauguration, the impotent thrusts of his trainwreck of a presidency have galvanized a global resistance movement, culminating in defeats for the resurgent far-right movements in the Netherlands and Austria, a collapse in their polling support in Germany, and a plea for normalcy in France. When polls came in at the end of March, suggesting an easy advance on April 23rd and probable win for Emmanuel Macron, leader of a new, center-left movement En Marche, it seemed France was right on pace for the ongoing extinguishment of the far-right populist firestorm that has swept the western world, with the final douse coming this Sunday, May 7th, round two of the presidential election.

Enter Jean-Luc Mélenchon, stage far-left.

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