Future Taxpayers Send #MeToo Messages Back in Time

TWENTY-SEVENTEEN: The future arrived in furious fashion in Washington today, after passage of the “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” by Republican-controlled Congress. Future American taxpayers used social media posts, postcards, and other forms of communication not yet invented to send a simple message back through time to our present day in 2017: #MeToo. “Why are […]

Washington D.C. Teenagers Ecstatic They Can Still Hang Out At The Mall

WASHINGTON – It wasn’t just Democrats reveling a shocking upset victory last night, as Democrat Doug Jones defeated Republican Roy Moore to become Alabama’s next Senator. Teenagers across Washington, D.C. took to the streets to celebrate that accused child-molester Roy Moore would not be coming to the city. “Where are we going?” shouted 15-year-old Bryce […]

Roger Stone Furiously 3D-Printing Sexual Assault Victims For Democrats

MIAMI – Long-time Republican political consultant Roger Stone is aggressively assembling an army of sexual assault victims to take down various Democratic politicians. “This is Gina,” said Stone, demonstrating the latest model off his press, a T12000 with full conversational skills and gropeable body parts. “And Chuck Schumer touched her ‘gina.” Stone is believed to […]

OPINION – The Republican Tax Plan is Great!*

The Republican Tax Overhaul Bill is Amazing! It is passing so fairly! Every study says it will grow the economy so much! Lots of jobs! The unemployment rate will go down below 1%! The budget will explode with revenue! Any study denying this is Fake News! Call your representatives and senators to support this bill! […]

Kyrie Irving’s Stellar Celtics Debut Proves the Earth is Flat

Kyrie Irving has had an incredible start to the NBA season. Since losing teammate Gordon Hayward to a season-ending injury, Kyrie’s Boston Celtics rocketed to the top of the standings with a 16-game winning streak, focusing on teamwork and fourth quarter stamina, often fighting back from double-digit deficits. The edge of defeat is no match […]


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World Jealous of Taliban Prisoner for not Knowing Trump was President

TORONTO – Worldwide showers of envy have rained down on Joshua Boyle, a Canadian-American man recently released along with his family from an isolated five-year imprisonment by the Taliban, for the man’s prolonged ignorance of the political ascendance of Donald Trump. Mr. Boyle was expressed utter shock when, upon his arrival in Toronto, he was […]

Houston Magically Restored After World Series Win

HOUSTON – Reeling for weeks since the catastrophic flooding of Hurricane Harvey, the great city of Houston has been restored to perfect condition, perhaps by the gods, following the World Series of baseball won by its hometown Astros. The Houston Astros defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers in game seven of the World Series matchup on […]

Fox News Debuts “Shiny Object Dangling”

NEW YORK – Fox News, the top cable news provider in the United States, debuted its newest program last night, Shiny Object Dangling. The primetime show features various items of high reflectivity being dangled in front of a camera in a highly distracting and slightly amusing fashion. The program was broadcast at 8:30 PM and […]

Gen. John Kelly Momentarily Forgets President Trump Exists

WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly had a momentary brain fart at a press conference yesterday, forgetting, despite his best efforts, to recall the name, character, and life story of his boss and commander-in-chief, President Donald J. Trump. “The practice of turning our nations most sacred thing – the fallen men […]