Fox News Debuts “Shiny Object Dangling”

NEW YORK – Fox News, the top cable news provider in the United States, debuted its newest program last night, Shiny Object Dangling. The primetime show features various items of high reflectivity being dangled in front of a camera in a highly distracting and slightly amusing fashion. The program was broadcast at 8:30 PM and […]

Entire Trump Administration Derailed by ‘Perfect’ Late-Night Comedy Joke

NEW YORK – The Trump Administration has come to a crashing halt, with all executive branch offices of the federal government vacated as of 8:00 AM Monday.  The apparent cause of the political thunderbolt was a totally “perfect” joke, delivered in the usual Wednesday evening broadcast of The Daily Show with Trevor Noah by the host, Trevor […]

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway. But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force. That alignment of words […]

FRANK MAYO: Stuck in China

Yeah, I’m stuck in China. Some of you may wonder where the hell I have been for the past year or so, most of you don’t give a shit. Needless to say, this is the first time I have access to a VPN, so this may be my only chance to communicate to the outside […]

The O’Doul’s Diary: Diluted Debauchery

Have you ever listened to someone describe a night of heavy drinking to you? The story usually starts off sensibly: your friend describes his day, the time, the occasion, and so on. He’ll go on to describe the type of beverage that was consumed, the people that were there, maybe even an incident or two. […]

Rise of the Planet of the Cinematically Challenged: How the fuck did this pull in $167 Million?

So I was driving the other day when I was caught behind a rusty Saab with spinning rims.  Despite how hilariously disgusting it was, I wasn’t laughing at this Saab, as the driver believed cruising at a steady 10mph on 30mph road was somehow appropriate.  I attempted to pass the car several times, but, miraculously, […]

Burnt Out Lantern: Another Pathetic Attempt at Revamping Comic Book Superheroes

Yes, I understand that Warner Brother’s Green Lantern was released over a month ago. Yes, I understand that the movie has been established as grade A Hollywood dog shit. However, put yourself in my shoes for three fucking seconds. Do you really expect me to shell out ten dollars just to review a movie that […]

Introducing Frank Mayo

It is my pleasure to introduce our newest contributor, Frank Mayo. When I asked Frank to describe himself for me, his only response was that he “comes in all shapes and sizes.” Frank is an old timer, despite his actual youth. His experiences in life render him the perfect candidate for the job I gave […]