Category Archives: Distractions

Fox News Debuts “Shiny Object Dangling”

NEW YORK – Fox News, the top cable news provider in the United States, debuted its newest program last night, Shiny Object Dangling. The primetime show features various items of high reflectivity being dangled in front of a camera in a highly distracting and slightly amusing fashion.

The program was broadcast at 8:30 PM and lasted two hours, receiving rave reviews from conservative commentators and a surprisingly robust audience of 7.2 million viewers.

“This is one of the most highly informative programs I’ve ever seen on television,” said conservative radio host Wayne Allen Root. “There’s just so much value to the conservative, patriotic American tuning in to the full two hours. Don’t change the channel!”

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Entire Trump Administration Derailed by ‘Perfect’ Late-Night Comedy Joke

NEW YORK – The Trump Administration has come to a crashing halt, with all executive branch offices of the federal government vacated as of 8:00 AM Monday.  The apparent cause of the political thunderbolt was a totally “perfect” joke, delivered in the usual Wednesday evening broadcast of The Daily Show with Trevor Noah by the host, Trevor Noah.

By SKEWERING, DEMOLISHING, BURNING, TACKLING, DESTROYING, and EVISCERATING former President Trump for his blatantly racist and misogynistic views in a perfect zinger long sought by late-night comedians, that left several audience members dead from laughter-induced seizures, Mr. Noah finally put an end to the tyranny and recklessness of the Trump administration.

Former President Trump departed the White House on Marine One this morning, after a very brief statement.

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Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

Property of the Flat Earth Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway.

But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force.

Property of the Flat Earth TimesThat alignment of words and meaning has been washed away by the rising tide of a very malicious kind of fake news. There emerged a movement of lies, lies that masked themselves as truth, designed to galvanize the hateful predispositions within us, into accepting false conclusions. Fake news of late has become, in short, a force of evil.

Where does the Flat Earth Times fit into this? We’re getting to it.

Still bound by the calling and the drive that built it, the Thirsty Turtle Times carried on, a force for positive reinforcement and encouragement to the coalition for reason – a fighting force against crazy people. That battle can no longer be fought only at the university level, or only in one town.

But we will do it right.  We want you to know, when you read our news, that we also think the Earth may be flat.

You want the truth you feel, not the truth you know. The world is flat, and our news is real.

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times!

The Flat Earth Times will continue to host most of the original content of the Thirsty Turtle Times under its “Thirsty Turtle Times historical archives” banner.

FRANK MAYO: Stuck in China

Yeah, I’m stuck in China.

Some of you may wonder where the hell I have been for the past year or so, most of you don’t give a shit. Needless to say, this is the first time I have access to a VPN, so this may be my only chance to communicate to the outside world for awhile.

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The O’Doul’s Diary: Diluted Debauchery

Have you ever listened to someone describe a night of heavy drinking to you? The story usually starts off sensibly: your friend describes his day, the time, the occasion, and so on. He’ll go on to describe the type of beverage that was consumed, the people that were there, maybe even an incident or two.

However, halfway through his rendition, the storyteller becomes a little hazy, struggling to piece together the story. As it transitions towards the end, you find yourself not only puzzled about the logical progression of the story, but also incensed that you spend the past several minutes listening to the person repeating to you, “You should have been there brah” because he doesn’t even know what the fuck happened. As you wait impatiently for the story to conclude, your friend starts apologizing for the lack detail, continually repeating “I was so drunk” like it’s a good excuse for telling a shitty story. Finally the soap opera ends with a generic conclusion like “somehow I made it home” or “I totally passed out.”

Yeah…that can pretty much summarize The Rum Diary.

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Rise of the Planet of the Cinematically Challenged: How the fuck did this pull in $167 Million?

So I was driving the other day when I was caught behind a rusty Saab with spinning rims.  Despite how hilariously disgusting it was, I wasn’t laughing at this Saab, as the driver believed cruising at a steady 10mph on 30mph road was somehow appropriate.  I attempted to pass the car several times, but, miraculously, I could not get ahead of the driver.  I laid on my horn, screamed myself hoarse, I even threw my Anthony Robbins cassette tapes at the vehicle, yet nothing could move the car along.  After driving the entire length of the street, the car finally turned into a garage.  I slammed on the accelerator to get a good look at the driver, however the only distinguishable features of the person were bristled white hair, a wrinkled forehead and thick framed glasses.  I continued to yell long after leaving the driver behind.

So what does this have to do with Twentieth Century Fox’s Rise of the Plant of the Apes?

Both scenarios involved poorly refurbished versions of the original product, went unnecessarily long, had repeating moments of sheer frustration, predictable endings, and should have laws created to stop this type of situation from reoccurring.

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Burnt Out Lantern: Another Pathetic Attempt at Revamping Comic Book Superheroes

Yes, I understand that Warner Brother’s Green Lantern was released over a month ago. Yes, I understand that the movie has been established as grade A Hollywood dog shit. However, put yourself in my shoes for three fucking seconds. Do you really expect me to shell out ten dollars just to review a movie that had its pitiful destiny revealed within the first ten seconds of the teaser trailer? I would prefer to deal with the consequences of pirating this abomination than to ever allow a Green Lantern movie ticket to touch my fingertips. So that is exactly what I did. Manhola Dargis, Wesley Morris, and Peter Travers had their fun insulting this movie; now it’s my turn.

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Introducing Frank Mayo

It is my pleasure to introduce our newest contributor, Frank Mayo.

When I asked Frank to describe himself for me, his only response was that he “comes in all shapes and sizes.” Frank is an old timer, despite his actual youth. His experiences in life render him the perfect candidate for the job I gave him, which will mostly be reviewing movies.  Frank graduated from Syrit College in 2005.

Frank is dedicated. He is ruthless. He is insane. He has no self-respect whatsoever.  Frank doesn’t have time to respect himself, because he’s too busy disrespecting every institution we hold dear.  Whether it’s the next movie from Friedberg and Seltzer, or his own sex life, there is no truth Frank is afraid to publically dismantle.

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