Category Archives: Nation

Issues affecting the American plain on our flat Earth.

ANALYSIS: Senate Write-In Campaign Impossible Because Alabama Can’t Read

Republicans are in a bind in Alabama.

Republican Senatorial efforts to derail the candidacy of Roy Moore in the Alabama Special Senate election have been unsuccessful. Judge Moore, battling claims that he made sexual advances on young teenage girls in his 30s, has refused to drop out, and now it appears a write-in campaign, as a de facto replacement for Moore, is also impossible, given the inability to read of virtually all Alabama voters.

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Republicans Unable to Decide Between Tax Cuts for Millionaires, Basic Integrity

WASHINGTON – As Republican Judge Roy Moore plows on through accusations of molesting teenage girls in the Alabama special Senate Election, Republicans nationally are flummoxed.

Republicans are weighing their options between the tax cuts Moore is likely to support shortly after taking office, or the basic integrity that comes with electing a candidate not accused of inviting 14-year-old girls to your house to get them drunk and try to have sex with them.

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“This is hard,” said Gert Ningrich, a Fox News panelist. “Almost as hard as no 32-year-old man should be when he’s with a 14-year-old girl.”

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NJ and VA Republicans Send Thoughts and Prayers to Ballot Boxes

RICHMOND – Republican voters in New Jersey and Virginia sent thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) to their voting precincts on Tuesday, hoping to hold off a wave of Democrats eager to send a message to President Trump and Republicans nationwide.

“We knew this would be a tough election, so we wanted to get our #ThoughtsAndPrayers out early and often,” said Ed Gillespie, the defeated Republican candidate for governor in Virginia.

“It was a shame our thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) came up short,” he added.  “Maybe I was slouching too much on the pews.”

Bellwether elections in New Jersey and Virginia, and elsewhere delivered big wins for Democratic candidates on Tuesday, including legislative races and referendums nationwide.  It is an ominous warning of Republican vulnerabilities going into 2018 midterms and leading some Republicans to question the recipient of their thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers).

“I’m not sure we thought or prayed hard enough,” said Kim Guadagno, the Republican candidate for governor in New Jersey. “God can be elusive at the ballot box.  Or maybe we should just have thought and prayed more aimlessly, you know like, in general, with our eyes shut. Or we should have just sat quietly still with our hands clasped like we did when we were kids, and pretended to do thoughts and prayers, but really just wait for Mommy and Daddy to finish.  You know?  Or perhaps we didn’t use enough hashtags.  #ThoughtsAndPrayers”

Republicans put together an aggressive Get-Out-The-Thoughts-And-Prayers (#GOTTP) effort aided by large volunteer groups in both states.

“Our guys did a great job making sure as many voters as possible stayed home and thought and prayed for us, #ThoughtsAndPrayers,” said Gillespie.

The Republicans had a robust phone canvassing operation as well, robo-calling every precinct in both states with pre-recorded #ThoughtsAndPrayers messages in an effort to turn the tide.

There was great disappointment in Republican voters in both states.

“I can’t believe our #ThoughtsAndPrayers weren’t enough,” said Christopher Page, a Republican from Woodbridge, Virginia. “It’s almost like thoughts and prayers have nothing to do with effecting political change in a democracy,” He said.

“#ThoughtsAndPrayers.”

Thoughts and Prayers contributed to this report. They can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Houston Magically Restored After World Series Win

HOUSTON – Reeling for weeks since the catastrophic flooding of Hurricane Harvey, the great city of Houston has been restored to perfect condition, perhaps by the gods, following the World Series of baseball won by its hometown Astros.

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Houston after the World Series win Thursday morning.

The Houston Astros defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers in game seven of the World Series matchup on Wednesday night, in what sports analysts decreed was a “needed” victory for America’s fourth largest city, beleaguered, battered, flooded, and chemically contaminated by the heavy rains of Hurricane Harvey in late August.

“If you made a list of Houston’s needs, I think a World Series victory would be number one,” said Dave Travis, a Houston resident and Astros fan. “It just solved everything.”

Houses were rebuilt, parks were restored, floors reupholstered and re-polished, and hundreds of people who perished in the floods and fires were found digging themselves out of their graves.  Cars were given new engine parts, industrial plants were decontaminated, and bright green leaves now adorned every tree.  And it’s all thanks to the Houston Astros and their championship performance.

“It’s like the dioxin just vanished from the soil,” said Dr. Mark Cornin, an environmental scientist at the University of Texas. “These baseball players really delivered Houston from future generations of misery with that World Series trophy.”

Additionally, Houston’s notoriously lax zoning laws have been reversed and retroactively enforced, restoring the city’s flood-protective prairies and wetlands that were paved over for human settlement in the 1970s. What was once a certainty that a disaster like Harvey would happen again within a decade is now merely a high probability.

“This is so incredible, I’m resigning,” said Dr. Cornin. “Houston is saved. Who needs scientists when we have athletes?”

Mr. Clean contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

Twitter: @flatearthtimes

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Fox News Debuts “Shiny Object Dangling”

NEW YORK – Fox News, the top cable news provider in the United States, debuted its newest program last night, Shiny Object Dangling. The primetime show features various items of high reflectivity being dangled in front of a camera in a highly distracting and slightly amusing fashion.

The program was broadcast at 8:30 PM and lasted two hours, receiving rave reviews from conservative commentators and a surprisingly robust audience of 7.2 million viewers.

“This is one of the most highly informative programs I’ve ever seen on television,” said conservative radio host Wayne Allen Root. “There’s just so much value to the conservative, patriotic American tuning in to the full two hours. Don’t change the channel!”

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Entire Trump Administration Derailed by ‘Perfect’ Late-Night Comedy Joke

NEW YORK – The Trump Administration has come to a crashing halt, with all executive branch offices of the federal government vacated as of 8:00 AM Monday.  The apparent cause of the political thunderbolt was a totally “perfect” joke, delivered in the usual Wednesday evening broadcast of The Daily Show with Trevor Noah by the host, Trevor Noah.

By SKEWERING, DEMOLISHING, BURNING, TACKLING, DESTROYING, and EVISCERATING former President Trump for his blatantly racist and misogynistic views in a perfect zinger long sought by late-night comedians, that left several audience members dead from laughter-induced seizures, Mr. Noah finally put an end to the tyranny and recklessness of the Trump administration.

Former President Trump departed the White House on Marine One this morning, after a very brief statement.

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Local Gamestop Employee Tired of Gary Johnson’s Awkward Flirting

ALBUQUERQUE – Local Gamestop employee Anita Parker reported last Friday that she was growing sick and tired of former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson’s awkward flirting and cheesy pickup lines, while working her afternoon shift at the new & used video game retailer.

The former Libertarian presidential candidate was reportedly attempting to resell a copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare I when he jokingly suggested to Parker that “girls don’t usually work in video game stores, I guess you’re one of the cool ones!”  

Parker also told reporters that Johnson expected up to $50 for the used game, in which he had saved progress under the username “SwallowMyJohnson.”

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Trump Administration Condemns Post-2016 Politicizing of Dead Soldiers

WASHINGTON – The Trump Administration is coming down hard on Democrats and journalists whom they accuse of politicizing US soldiers killed in combat, something they insist has not been acceptable since 2016.

“It is unacceptable to use our nation’s fallen heroes as political footballs in 2017,” insisted White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “The time and place to do that was during and before the 2016 US presidential election and transition.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders criticizing politicizing of Dead soldiers since 2017 yesterday

Administration officials are irate over media focus on the death of US Army Sgt. La David Johnson and three other soldiers in Niger in an ISIS ambush on October 4th, and President Trump’s controversial, delayed conciliatory phone call to Sgt. Johnson’s widow in which he allegedly told her “[Sgt. Johnson?] knew what he signed up for.” They focused their anger on House Representative Frederica Wilson (D, FL), whom the administration said in a statement, “unfairly leveled a politicized attack regarding military deaths in 2017, which is not 2016.”

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Gen. John Kelly Momentarily Forgets President Trump Exists

WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly had a momentary brain fart at a press conference yesterday, forgetting, despite his best efforts, to recall the name, character, and life story of his boss and commander-in-chief, President Donald J. Trump.

“The practice of turning our nations most sacred thing – the fallen men and women who gave everything they had to this country and its ideals – into political pawns, is abhorrent” said White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly, himself the father of a fallen veteran. “No one who hurts a Gold Star family is worthy of these halls, and I hope we don’t let it happen.  Let’s just keep that sacred.”

Asked if that stance would disqualify President Trump for political office considering his highly criticized insults of the Gold Star family of deceased US Army Captain Humayun Khan last year, General Kelly furrowed his brow, responding, “Wait… who?”

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Republicans Propose Orchestrating Neutron Star Collision to Pay for Tax Cuts

CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to help pay for their tax cuts for the wealthy, also unveiled this week. The unique cosmic explosion, recently witnessed many lightyears away by scientists, is one of the universe’s only ways of creating the gold we find on our own planet.

Republican leaders have proposed bringing such a colossally violent hellfire into Earth’s neighborhood, saying the estimated nine octillion dollars in gold to come out of such an apocalyptic event may help pay for part of their proposed tax cuts for the wealthy this fall.

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