Nation

williamwallace January 18, 2018

WASHINGTON – Official White House Physician Ronny L. Jackson assured reporters on Wednesday that President Trump is not only healthy, but he can walk on water as well. “The President has shown that his heart is fully functional, his lungs are spotless, his body-fat levels are down, his liver is unblemished, his chins are one, […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk January 15, 2018

WASHINGTON – White House advisors spent several hours on Sunday explaining to President Trump that the archipelago of Hawaii is in fact part of the United States. A false ballistic missile alert that left over a million Hawaiians in terror on Saturday was apparently sent out by human error. Nonetheless, Hawaiians remained very shaken by […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk January 11, 2018

NEW YORK: Former US Secretary of State and 2016 Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton was spotted putting on an Oprah Winfrey bodysuit in an abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn yesterday morning. Ms. Winfrey has recently been speculated as a potential 2020 challenger in the Democratic primary races for President. Hillary Clinton has expressed she doesn’t want […]

williamwallace January 4, 2018

SALT LAKE CITY: Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts, spent most of Wednesday meticulously removing all mention of the Bay State from his Wikipedia page. “The good people of UTAH know that this beautiful state is my home – my only home, the only state I’ve ever cared for or considered worthy of serving publicly,” […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk December 25, 2017

CHARLESTON – Republican leaders around the country were ecstatic Christmas morning to receive coal from Santa. “Another promise, another victory,” declared President Trump at the White House. “Bring back coal? Well we did just that for the American people, delivered by Santa’s American hands.” Republicans received lumps of coal in an apparent repudiation from Santa […]

williamwallace December 21, 2017

TWENTY-SEVENTEEN: The future arrived in furious fashion in Washington today, after passage of the “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” by Republican-controlled Congress. Future American taxpayers used social media posts, postcards, and other forms of communication not yet invented to send a simple message back through time to our present day in 2017: #MeToo. “Why are […]

williamwallace December 13, 2017

WASHINGTON – It wasn’t just Democrats reveling a shocking upset victory last night, as Democrat Doug Jones defeated Republican Roy Moore to become Alabama’s next Senator. Teenagers across Washington, D.C. took to the streets to celebrate that accused child-molester Roy Moore would not be coming to the city. “Where are we going?” shouted 15-year-old Bryce […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk December 12, 2017

BIRMINGHAM – Scientists and religious experts today discovered a magical curse that appears to prevent Republican politicians from endorsing Democrats in American elections. “This was an extraordinary discovery of deductive reasoning,” said Dr. Neil Gordon, an anthropologist at the University of Alabama who helped lead the discovery. His team used test subjects, a Ouija board, […]

williamwallace December 11, 2017

MIAMI – Long-time Republican political consultant Roger Stone is aggressively assembling an army of sexual assault victims to take down various Democratic politicians. “This is Gina,” said Stone, demonstrating the latest model off his press, a T12000 with full conversational skills and gropeable body parts. “And Chuck Schumer touched her ‘gina.” Stone is believed to […]