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Suburban Liberal Completes 2018 Activism By Putting Sign on Her Lawn

MONTCLAIR, NEW JERSEY – In this affluent suburb of New York City, Karen Philipelli is ready for the 2018 midterms. “This isn’t my first rodeo,” smirked Mrs. Philipeli, looking at her new “HATE HAS NO HOME HERE” sign, then glancing at the ‘Hillary/Kaine ‘16’ sticker in the glass pane of her large oak door. “Donald […]

Trump Supporter Gives Up Over Stormy Daniels Affair

NASHVILLE – “This is disgraceful!” said Fred Nelneck, a former coal miner and a Trump supporter until that very moment. He was watching cable news coverage of adult film actress Stormy Daniels’ lawsuit against President Trump. Ms. Daniels alleges she was paid $130,000 in hush money during the 2016 presidential election to keep quiet a […]

Local Man Burns Down Home To Spite Liberal Oscars

CINCINNATTI – “I’m TIRED of them telling me not to vote against my own interests!” stammered Jerry Lee Pickett, a welder from Springdale, Ohio.  He was referring to the Emmys, Grammys, and now the 90th Academy Awards show, which he’d chosen to watch between reruns of Duck Dynasty. “They just don’t understand average joes like […]

Jared Kushner to Dine at Kiddie Table with Barron

WASHINGTON – Jared Kushner, Senior Advisor to the president, has been relegated to eating his meals at the White House kiddie table. He now dines with Barron, President Trump’s youngest son. Following the downgrading of his White House security clearance, Jared Kushner, the president’s son-in-law, was widely criticized for being privy to highly sensitive national […]

George Soros Sent Actors Back in Time to Grow Up With Parkland Shooting Victims and Be Sad on TV

NINETEEN-NINETY-NINE – George Soros, the Hungarian-American hedge-fund billionaire and liberal philanthropist, has been caught sending paid actors to go back in time and endure horrific mass shootings in order to be genuinely emotional on television, to push a pro-gun control agenda. “It was devious!” said former Republican Congressman and CNN contributor Jack Kingston. “All it […]

Scientists Discover Gun Control Opponent With Large Penis

SIOUX FALLS – A team of anthropologists working around the clock have discovered a man who opposes any form of gun control, yet also seems to be well-endowed. They are reviewing their findings, but so far are standing by the stunning announcement. “This… is impossible,” said Colbern Pulhokie, a graduate researcher and member of the […]

Democrats Disguising Guns as Undocumented Immigrants

LOS ANGELES – Democrats in California spent most of Monday disguising various firearms as undocumented immigrants. Hopeful of getting Republicans to finally approve some forms of reasonable gun control measures at the federal level, Democrats are trying innovative methods to reach across the aisle.  They believe it is the only way to convince Republicans that […]

Jeb Bush to Emerge from Bedroom for First Time in Two Years

MIAMI – Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida, announced yesterday that he would be leaving his bedroom for the first time since quitting the 2016 presidential race two years ago. After embarrassing losses in the Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina primaries in early 2016, the son and brother of former presidents faced the daunting […]

Philadelphians Suddenly Not Terrible People Anymore

PHILADELPHIA – After decades of frightening reports, violent tailgates, and rambunctious viral videos, Philadelphia’s iconic and obnoxious sports fans suddenly and unexpectedly became kind, gracious, professional, intellectual ladies and gentlemen Sunday night, following their Eagles’ first Super Bowl championship over the New England Patriots. Long known for crumbling sports shortcomings and subsequently vile, obnoxious fans […]