“News”

williamwallace January 18, 2018

WASHINGTON – Official White House Physician Ronny L. Jackson assured reporters on Wednesday that President Trump is not only healthy, but he can walk on water as well. “The President has shown that his heart is fully functional, his lungs are spotless, his body-fat levels are down, his liver is unblemished, his chins are one, […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk January 15, 2018

WASHINGTON – White House advisors spent several hours on Sunday explaining to President Trump that the archipelago of Hawaii is in fact part of the United States. A false ballistic missile alert that left over a million Hawaiians in terror on Saturday was apparently sent out by human error. Nonetheless, Hawaiians remained very shaken by […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk January 11, 2018

NEW YORK: Former US Secretary of State and 2016 Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton was spotted putting on an Oprah Winfrey bodysuit in an abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn yesterday morning. Ms. Winfrey has recently been speculated as a potential 2020 challenger in the Democratic primary races for President. Hillary Clinton has expressed she doesn’t want […]

williamwallace January 8, 2018

BOSTON: A new report suggests that Winter Storm Grayson, which blanketed the East coast and flooded much of Boston in a surge of seawater, was likely the result of a deal between Bob Kraft, owner of The New England Patriots professional football team, and the devil himself. “This was Satan attempting to collect on his […]

williamwallace January 4, 2018

SALT LAKE CITY: Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts, spent most of Wednesday meticulously removing all mention of the Bay State from his Wikipedia page. “The good people of UTAH know that this beautiful state is my home – my only home, the only state I’ve ever cared for or considered worthy of serving publicly,” […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk December 28, 2017

WASHINGTON – Utah Senator Orrin Hatch expressed dismay today of kids skateboarding on the sidewalk outside his apartment in Washington D.C. “Darn kids always skateboardin’ on the sidewalk!” he stammered in his apartment in the Carver section of Washington, leering out the window. “Dag nammit!” Mr. Hatch is the senior US Senator from Utah and […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk December 25, 2017

CHARLESTON – Republican leaders around the country were ecstatic Christmas morning to receive coal from Santa. “Another promise, another victory,” declared President Trump at the White House. “Bring back coal? Well we did just that for the American people, delivered by Santa’s American hands.” Republicans received lumps of coal in an apparent repudiation from Santa […]

williamwallace December 21, 2017

TWENTY-SEVENTEEN: The future arrived in furious fashion in Washington today, after passage of the “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” by Republican-controlled Congress. Future American taxpayers used social media posts, postcards, and other forms of communication not yet invented to send a simple message back through time to our present day in 2017: #MeToo. “Why are […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk December 18, 2017

LANGLEY, VIRGINIA – The Russian government, widely acknowledged to have interfered in the 2016 US presidential election, has now been reportedly making cybernetic organisms to infiltrate American politics. The Russian government has been known to pay thousands of internet trolls to sway American public opinion on social media. Now reports suggest the American adversary has […]