John McCain’s Zombie Should Have Thanked Trump for a Funeral

Deceased Arizona Senator John McCain was brought back into the national conversation today by President Trump.  The President disparaged the Vietnam War Veteran and 2008 Republican Presidential nominee in comments […]

Guy Who Slaved His Entire Life Complains About Cool Guy Partying With Hookers, Hated by Entire Nation

WASHINGTON – James Comey, former director of the FBI, was seen Sunday night living in his own nightmare. The long-time public servant worked hard his entire life. He always did […]

Kyrie Irving’s Stellar Celtics Debut Proves the Earth is Flat

Kyrie Irving has had an incredible start to the NBA season. Since losing teammate Gordon Hayward to a season-ending injury, Kyrie’s Boston Celtics rocketed to the top of the standings […]

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news […]

Rebecca Martinson for SGA President at UMD

Editor’s note: start here. If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement […]

Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to UMD President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the […]