Category Archives: Sports

Houston Magically Restored After World Series Win

HOUSTON – Reeling for weeks since the catastrophic flooding of Hurricane Harvey, the great city of Houston has been restored to perfect condition, perhaps by the gods, following the World Series of baseball won by its hometown Astros.

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Houston after the World Series win Thursday morning.

The Houston Astros defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers in game seven of the World Series matchup on Wednesday night, in what sports analysts decreed was a “needed” victory for America’s fourth largest city, beleaguered, battered, flooded, and chemically contaminated by the heavy rains of Hurricane Harvey in late August.

“If you made a list of Houston’s needs, I think a World Series victory would be number one,” said Dave Travis, a Houston resident and Astros fan. “It just solved everything.”

Houses were rebuilt, parks were restored, floors reupholstered and re-polished, and hundreds of people who perished in the floods and fires were found digging themselves out of their graves.  Cars were given new engine parts, industrial plants were decontaminated, and bright green leaves now adorned every tree.  And it’s all thanks to the Houston Astros and their championship performance.

“It’s like the dioxin just vanished from the soil,” said Dr. Mark Cornin, an environmental scientist at the University of Texas. “These baseball players really delivered Houston from future generations of misery with that World Series trophy.”

Additionally, Houston’s notoriously lax zoning laws have been reversed and retroactively enforced, restoring the city’s flood-protective prairies and wetlands that were paved over for human settlement in the 1970s. What was once a certainty that a disaster like Harvey would happen again within a decade is now merely a high probability.

“This is so incredible, I’m resigning,” said Dr. Cornin. “Houston is saved. Who needs scientists when we have athletes?”

Mr. Clean contributed to this report. He can be reached at

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NHL Players Kneel For US Anthem, Slip, and Fall on Their Faces

NEW YORK: NHL players attempted to kneel in protest during the American National Anthem Sunday, but were unable to keep their balance and fell on their faces.

NHL players attempting to kneel Sunday

Hockey players for the New York Rangers and Montreal Canadiens attempted to kneel in solidarity with major kneeling protests done across the NFL and begun by quarterback Colin Kaepernick last year. The kneelings protest, among other issues, police brutality against black Americans.

But the logistics of kneeling proved too difficult for the heavily padded skaters. Players attempting to kneel slipped, stumbled, and landed face first on the ice, usually the moment their knees touched down, but occasionally after a bit of wobbling and muttering “I got it – wait, I got it” to no one in particular.

“We couldn’t keep our balance out there,” said Canadiens goalie Al Montoya, sipping hot chocolate after the game. “Now we know what it’s like to be black.”

PK Soubhan contributed to this report. He can be reached at

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

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We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway.

But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force.

Property of the Flat Earth TimesThat alignment of words and meaning has been washed away by the rising tide of a very malicious kind of fake news. There emerged a movement of lies, lies that masked themselves as truth, designed to galvanize the hateful predispositions within us, into accepting false conclusions. Fake news of late has become, in short, a force of evil.

Where does the Flat Earth Times fit into this? We’re getting to it.

Still bound by the calling and the drive that built it, the Thirsty Turtle Times carried on, a force for positive reinforcement and encouragement to the coalition for reason – a fighting force against crazy people. That battle can no longer be fought only at the university level, or only in one town.

But we will do it right.  We want you to know, when you read our news, that we also think the Earth may be flat.

You want the truth you feel, not the truth you know. The world is flat, and our news is real.

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times!

The Flat Earth Times will continue to host most of the original content of the Thirsty Turtle Times under its “Thirsty Turtle Times historical archives” banner.

University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

chrysler building

Studley mistook the Chrysler Building for an ear of corn.

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building.  Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn.

This past Thursday, Baylor University’s Men’s basketball team was crowned champions of the NIT in New York City’s Madison Square Garden, defeating the University of Iowa 74-54.  Studley, Iowa’s top scorer and rebounder, missed the entire game.

The prolific power forward was found on the 29th floor of the Chrysler Building while the game was still in progress.  Studley was attempting to shuck third tallest building in New York City because he apparently thought it was a massive ear of corn.

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NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence

NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence

After years of questionable stands, exploding salaries, and inexplicably selfish behavior, the National Collegiate Athletic Association and some of its satellite organizations have finally come forward to confess deliberately incompetent behavior. The announcement came as little surprise to some prominent observers.

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