BOSTON: A new report suggests that Winter Storm Grayson, which blanketed the East coast and flooded much of Boston in a surge of seawater, was likely the result of a deal between Bob Kraft, owner of The New England Patriots professional football team, and the devil himself. “This was Satan attempting to collect on his […]
LITTLE ROCK – After a shocking election upset that sent number one seed Alabama home and packing, the people of both Mississippi and Arkansas have found renewed hope for a long-coveted prize. The “Worst State in the Union” title, held by Alabama for an unprecedented five years straight, is back up for grabs. “I’ve never […]
Kyrie Irving has had an incredible start to the NBA season. Since losing teammate Gordon Hayward to a season-ending injury, Kyrie’s Boston Celtics rocketed to the top of the standings with a 16-game winning streak, focusing on teamwork and fourth quarter stamina, often fighting back from double-digit deficits. The edge of defeat is no match […]
HOUSTON – Reeling for weeks since the catastrophic flooding of Hurricane Harvey, the great city of Houston has been restored to perfect condition, perhaps by the gods, following the World Series of baseball won by its hometown Astros. The Houston Astros defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers in game seven of the World Series matchup on […]
NEW YORK: NHL players attempted to kneel in protest during the American National Anthem Sunday, but were unable to keep their balance and fell on their faces. Hockey players for the New York Rangers and Montreal Canadiens attempted to kneel in solidarity with major kneeling protests done across the NFL and begun by quarterback Colin […]
We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway. But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force. That alignment of words […]
The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building. Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn. This past Thursday, Baylor University’s […]
NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence After years of questionable stands, exploding salaries, and inexplicably selfish behavior, the National Collegiate Athletic Association and some of its satellite organizations have finally come forward to confess deliberately incompetent behavior. The announcement came as little surprise to some prominent observers.