Thirsty Turtle Times Historical Archives

williamwallace October 3, 2017

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway. But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force. That alignment of words […]

thirstyturtletimes April 23, 2013

Editor’s note: start here. If you just opened this link expecting it to be a fun parody with a healthy agenda, tape that goddamn smile in place because this endorsement is going to be a rough fucking ride. For those of you still dizzy from tornadoes, which apparently is the majority of this loser school, […]

thirstyturtletimes November 6, 2012

DO NOT PUBLISH UNTIL REVIEWED AND EDITED BY EDITOR-IN-CHIEF!!! NOTE TO MANAGING EDITOR: E.I.C. is MIA. Please edit by crossing out appropriate words and phrases. I will now click the “Save Draft” button, which is perilously close to the “Publish Now” button. Thanks, you’re a lifesaver!!! – Doc Historic 2012 Election Concludes with Narrow Obama/Romney […]

thirstyturtletimes June 13, 2012

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation. Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent. “What’s he going to Taiwan for […]

thirstyturtletimes March 8, 2012

BEIRUT – The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week. The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more students opt to […]

thirstyturtletimes March 1, 2012

Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion on campus. The school is building the palace in the wake of desperate budget shortfalls and potential cuts from Annapolis. Maryland is cutting eight varsity […]

thirstyturtletimes September 7, 2011

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight. Authorization was granted last […]