The hurricane swept through College Park last weekend on its way up the East Coast, downing power lines and trees, causing over a billion dollars in damage. It closed every business in College Park – except Jimmy John’s.
So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary.
Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake personality very loosely based on a poorly understood, low-level foreign politician, I know that I am the most serious Republican candidate.
Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican.
Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for undergrad, Cornell for his master’s, the University of Michigan for his doctorate in psychology, and Yale for his Law degree. He then decided to do something constructive, becoming dean of the University of Washington Law School, then vice chancellor of the University of Colorado, a dean at Seattle University, and most recently provost at the University of Iowa. He also spent time as an advisor to Gary Locke while the latter was governor of Washington. Loh has been president of the University of Maryland since November 1st, 2010, a term length which he says is “long enough.”
Shock and awe reigned in downtown College Park this morning, when a dead hippopotamus was discovered wedged in the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station. Evidence indicated it had been there for decades.
“It was absolutely disgusting,” said John Brown, owner of the local bar. “Really, I never saw this coming. There was no constant in that bar that made me think, something vile is under the floorboards. I’m in total shock.”
NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence
After years of questionable stands, exploding salaries, and inexplicably selfish behavior, the National Collegiate Athletic Association and some of its satellite organizations have finally come forward to confess deliberately incompetent behavior. The announcement came as little surprise to some prominent observers.
University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent.
President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, which included Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, the latter of whom declared the trip’s one purpose to be “jobs.”
He would soon be sidetracked.
The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free. We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’ We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future. And that’s definitely why we’re operating out of a blog for the time being.
Our number one source is Uncyclopedia. Or Boobpedia… whichever we feel more like viewing. Probably Boobpedia. Those both exist, by the way. And, not counting this sentence, that’s probably the last informative statement you’ll ever read in this paper.
Like our namesake, we don’t hold anything back and we don’t keep anything out. Is it a story? Is it breathing? Admittance granted. Thirsty Turtle is synonymous with anything goes, be it a legendary bar in College Park or the finest news source on the face of the Earth.
The Thirsty Turtle Times will come to be known as a vile rag of misinformation and contradiction. And that’s why we’ll be the University of Maryland’s news leader.
For the Times will strive to serve our community. We will strive valiantly; we will err, we may come short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but we will actually strive to write the stories; we will know great juxtapositions, the great articulations; we will spend ourselves in a worthy cause; we will, at the best, know in the end the triumph of subtle reference, and at the worst, if we fail, at least we will fail while daring greatly, so that our place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
We not only embrace change, we make it. We make it together.
Former President Teddy Roosevelt contributed to this report
This site sucks. More to come.