Jimmy John’s Apologizes for Delivery Mishap

Jimmy John’s Sandwiches, located in downtown College Park, Maryland, issued a public apology this week for a delivery mishap that occurred during Hurricane Irene. The hurricane swept through College Park last weekend on its way up the East Coast, downing power lines and trees, causing over a billion dollars in damage.  It closed every business […]

FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary. Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake personality very loosely based on a poorly understood, low-level foreign politician, I know that I am the most serious Republican candidate.

Wallace Loh Declares Candidacy for President of the United States

Dr. Wallace Loh, President of the University of Maryland, has declared for the Presidency of the United States, running as a Republican. Wallace Loh attended Grinnell College in Iowa for undergrad, Cornell for his master’s, the University of Michigan for his doctorate in psychology, and Yale for his Law degree. He then decided to do […]

Dead Hippo Found Under Floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s

Shock and awe reigned in downtown College Park this morning, when a dead hippopotamus was discovered wedged in the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station.  Evidence indicated it had been there for decades. “It was absolutely disgusting,” said John Brown, owner of the local bar. “Really, I never saw this coming.  There was no constant […]

NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence

NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence After years of questionable stands, exploding salaries, and inexplicably selfish behavior, the National Collegiate Athletic Association and some of its satellite organizations have finally come forward to confess deliberately incompetent behavior. The announcement came as little surprise to some prominent observers.

University President Makes Surprise North Korea Visit During Trip to Asia

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent. President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, which included Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, the latter of whom declared the trip’s one purpose to be “jobs.” He would soon be sidetracked.

Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before. The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’  We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future.  And […]

The TTT is experiencing growing pains…

This site sucks. More to come.