George Soros Sent Actors Back in Time to Grow Up With Parkland Shooting Victims and Be Sad on TV

NINETEEN-NINETY-NINE – George Soros, the Hungarian-American hedge-fund billionaire and liberal philanthropist, has been caught sending paid actors to go back in time and endure horrific mass shootings in order to […]

Scientists Discover Gun Control Opponent With Large Penis

SIOUX FALLS – A team of anthropologists working around the clock have discovered a man who opposes any form of gun control, yet also seems to be well-endowed. They are […]

Democrats Fear Losing Dozens of Voters if they Embrace Legal Weed

WASHINGTON – Democratic leaders are shaking over a potential loss of support if more of their prominent voices come out in support of ending national marijuana prohibition. New Jersey’s newly […]

Hillary Clinton Spotted Wearing Oprah Costume

NEW YORK: Former US Secretary of State and 2016 Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton was spotted putting on an Oprah Winfrey bodysuit in an abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn yesterday morning. […]

Man Swears “No More Drugs in 2018” After One More Line of Cocaine

ST LOUIS: A local man at a New Years Party swore off drugs for 2018, declaring it his New Year’s resolution as an effort to focus on his health. He […]

Mississippi and Arkansas Vie For Open “Worst State in the Union” Title

LITTLE ROCK – After a shocking election upset that sent number one seed Alabama home and packing, the people of both Mississippi and Arkansas have found renewed hope for a […]

Washington D.C. Teenagers Ecstatic They Can Still Hang Out At The Mall

WASHINGTON – It wasn’t just Democrats reveling a shocking upset victory last night, as Democrat Doug Jones defeated Republican Roy Moore to become Alabama’s next Senator. Teenagers across Washington, D.C. […]

Local Gamestop Employee Tired of Gary Johnson’s Awkward Flirting

ALBUQUERQUE – Local Gamestop employee Anita Parker reported last Friday that she was growing sick and tired of former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson’s awkward flirting and cheesy pickup lines, […]

University of Virginia Students, Furious at Trump and Republicans, Unsure what to do Instead of Voting on Election Day

CHARLOTTESVILLE: Students at the University of Virginia here in Charlottesville are angry, and with Election Day approaching fast, many are struggling to come up with what to do instead of […]

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news […]