Category Archives: College

The molding of young minds.

Democrats Fear Losing Dozens of Voters if they Embrace Legal Weed

WASHINGTON – Democratic leaders are shaking over a potential loss of support if more of their prominent voices come out in support of ending national marijuana prohibition.

New Jersey’s newly inaugurated Governor Phil Murphy, a Democrat, rattled the national establishment by openly supporting legalized weed during his successful 2017 election campaign, losing an estimated 5-7 voters in the process.

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“We’ll never get those votes back” fumed Dianne Feinstein, Democratic Senator from California, suggesting only the historic unpopularity of outgoing Republican Governor Chris Christie (a staunch legal weed opponent) saved Mr. Murphy. “How on Earth do Democrats think this is a winning issue?”

According to a recent poll by Gallup, a tiny minority of 64% of Americans support legalization, as well as a measly 72% of Democrats. Additionally, Democrats stand little chance of gaining more than just a few million Republican votes, since only a small minority of 51% of Republicans support legalization, while a healthy and robust 29% of Republican voters express confidence in their party. Republican voters are certainly not up for grabs on any issue whatsoever.

Representative Steny Hoyer (MD-5), Democratic Whip, suggested these stats showed grave danger for Democrats.

“The Democrats we need to win are cops… old people who support authoritarianism… working-class Joe Schmo’s who never took drugs… people who never left their hometown and bullied the losers who smoked weed… Jeff Sessions fans…  without them, we’re doomed!” he said.

Hopeful of taking the House and even whispering of chances to take the Senate in November, Democrats are nonetheless struggling to find a unifying message to motivate voters, beyond just opposing an unpopular President Trump.

Mr. Hoyer worried about the potential effects of marijuana on Democratic voters, who tend to be younger and probably more likely to use the drug.

“Marijuana will not help us win,” he said. “We don’t want “high” voter participation.”

Someone who just realized ants are the coolest creature in the animal kingdom and will probably succeed humans as rulers of the planet contributed to this report.  He can be reached at

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Hillary Clinton Spotted Wearing Oprah Costume

NEW YORK: Former US Secretary of State and 2016 Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton was spotted putting on an Oprah Winfrey bodysuit in an abandoned warehouse in Brooklyn yesterday morning.

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Ms. Winfrey has recently been speculated as a potential 2020 challenger in the Democratic primary races for President.

Hillary Clinton has expressed she doesn’t want to run again.

“No, I’m not going to run again,” she was quoted as saying by CNBC in October 2017.

However, a misshapen Oprah was seen walking around Brooklyn talking to young people in a muffled voice.

“Hello millennial! You know Oprah, right? You like her right?” she was heard to say.

“Just wondering, first black woman president also means first woman president, right?”

President Donald Trump contributed to this report. He can be reached at

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Man Swears “No More Drugs in 2018” After One More Line of Cocaine

ST LOUIS: A local man at a New Years Party swore off drugs for 2018, declaring it his New Year’s resolution as an effort to focus on his health. He insisted this would go into effect after just one more line of cocaine.

Henry Kurlough, 28, a hardware salesman from Shrewsbury, had just celebrated the countdown with his high school friends and his girlfriend, at the Monteberry Club in St Louis.

“I was like, you know, I gotta do better in 2018 man. You know?” he said, sniffling and rubbing his gums.

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Mississippi and Arkansas Vie For Open “Worst State in the Union” Title

LITTLE ROCK – After a shocking election upset that sent number one seed Alabama home and packing, the people of both Mississippi and Arkansas have found renewed hope for a long-coveted prize.

The “Worst State in the Union” title, held by Alabama for an unprecedented five years straight, is back up for grabs.

“I’ve never felt such hope for Mississippi,” said Governor Phil Bryant. “We don’t win much.”

Mississippi State Capitol, Jackson

The title has been a southern trophy-battle since Florida’s upset victory in 2000.  More recently in 2012, South Carolina lost it to Alabama, unable to shake the progress brought on by diverse leadership and booming coastal cities.

Since then, Alabama has secured the golden dunce cap for an unprecedented five years straight, refusing to cede any offensive progress to civil rights, economic equality, environmentalism, or thoughtful leadership.

“Alabama had a dream run,” said Theodore ‘Walmart Scooter’ Bruden, head anthropologist at the University of Arkansas. “Even earned a United Nations visit in 2017 for her stellar suckitude. The rare UNVP honors.”

But they are champions no more. Alabama’s “die-nastily dynasty” came to end this past Tuesday, when voters were unable to elect a pedophile to the US Senate, instead electing a renowned progressive prosecutor in Doug Jones. Many suggested write-in votes and voter apathy were fatal to the candidacy of Roy S. Moore, former Chief Justice of Alabama and the state’s star embarrassment.

“Apathy is killer to team chemistry. I’m just not sure Alabama really wanted to be a national disgrace anymore,” said Professor Bruden. “They really gave up on themselves late in the game.”

Mississippi, for its part, sees no similar setback on the horizon.

“We’re excited to finally have a shot at it,” said Governor Bryant, beaming. “Nobody counts on Mississippi. Seriously, though. Have you seen our math scores?”

The state is banking on star freshman state legislator Chris McDaniel, an embarrassment-prodigy, who is considering a primary challenge to incumbent US Senator Roger Wicker. Mr. McDaniel is relying on Mississippi’s traditional strategy that gave them legendary championship runs throughout the 20th century – backwardly repressed racism, channeled through support for Confederate imagery.

Arkansas capitol, Little Rock

“The brilliance of the strategy is, Mississippi already has talent in so many fields – damn near last in education, health, poverty, even happiness,” said Filmore ‘Barbecue Butter’ DeLaney, head sociologist at Ole Miss. “By focusing on the state flag, they can really show off terrible optics to the world, while avoiding losing ground to real solutions to real problems. Two birds, one stone, and that metaphor just made me hungry.”

Mississippi will face a tough challenge from Arkansas, which normally ranks at or near the very bottom in state rankings of most livability measurements, such as access to clean drinking water, affordable healthcare, transportation, and education. And Arkansans are ready for a fight to the bottom.

“Mississippi merely adopted Walmart,” said Professor Bruden.  “Arkansas was born in it. Molded by it. We didn’t know regulation until Walmart regulated Arkansas itself.”

Steve Bannon contributed to this report.  He can be reached at

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Washington D.C. Teenagers Ecstatic They Can Still Hang Out At The Mall

WASHINGTON – It wasn’t just Democrats reveling a shocking upset victory last night, as Democrat Doug Jones defeated Republican Roy Moore to become Alabama’s next Senator. Teenagers across Washington, D.C. took to the streets to celebrate that accused child-molester Roy Moore would not be coming to the city.

“Where are we going?” shouted 15-year-old Bryce DeJohnson, a high school student, to an assembled crowd at Logan Circle.

“The Mall!” shouted back the 100 or so high school students.

“When are we going?”

“For at least three more years!”

The students had lamented that, with the impending arrival of Mr. Moore to the US Senate, the malls would inevitably shut down for safety concerns. Or worse – they’d be lurked by the child-predator.  The kids feared the same for movie theaters, parks, and playgrounds where they drink alcohol on weekends.

“Where would I look around, not buy anything, and stare at my phone?!” said Becky Donovan, a 16-year-old high school student in Edgewood. “He lost!  We’re saved!  Today, we are liberated. I learned that word the other day in Mr. Jericho’s English class.  He’s sooo dreamy.  He- hey! Why are you walking away?”

Mr. Moore was defeated by Doug Jones, a Democrat, in an upset.  Mr. Jones is not a pedophile.

It was a different story down in Gadsen, Alabama. Teenagers there were distraught.

“I guess I could just go on the internet,” said Sandra McGarvey, a 14-year-old student and Gadsen native. “I met this cool guy on there anyway, he said he’d take me on his horse!”

Forest Gump contributed to this report. He can be reached at

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Local Gamestop Employee Tired of Gary Johnson’s Awkward Flirting

ALBUQUERQUE – Local Gamestop employee Anita Parker reported last Friday that she was growing sick and tired of former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson’s awkward flirting and cheesy pickup lines, while working her afternoon shift at the new & used video game retailer.

The former Libertarian presidential candidate was reportedly attempting to resell a copy of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare I when he jokingly suggested to Parker that “girls don’t usually work in video game stores, I guess you’re one of the cool ones!”  

Parker also told reporters that Johnson expected up to $50 for the used game, in which he had saved progress under the username “SwallowMyJohnson.”

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University of Virginia Students, Furious at Trump and Republicans, Unsure what to do Instead of Voting on Election Day

CHARLOTTESVILLE: Students at the University of Virginia here in Charlottesville are angry, and with Election Day approaching fast, many are struggling to come up with what to do instead of voting.

The students have not forgotten the tumultuous rallies and violence that rocked the small college town in August, killing one protester and wounding many more.

“I’ll never forget what the political right did to our town!” said sophomore poetry major Jessica Ringwatt.  “I just don’t know what to do about it.  Maybe on Election Day, I’ll listen to my favorite Yoga CD!”

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Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

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We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway.

But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force.

Property of the Flat Earth TimesThat alignment of words and meaning has been washed away by the rising tide of a very malicious kind of fake news. There emerged a movement of lies, lies that masked themselves as truth, designed to galvanize the hateful predispositions within us, into accepting false conclusions. Fake news of late has become, in short, a force of evil.

Where does the Flat Earth Times fit into this? We’re getting to it.

Still bound by the calling and the drive that built it, the Thirsty Turtle Times carried on, a force for positive reinforcement and encouragement to the coalition for reason – a fighting force against crazy people. That battle can no longer be fought only at the university level, or only in one town.

But we will do it right.  We want you to know, when you read our news, that we also think the Earth may be flat.

You want the truth you feel, not the truth you know. The world is flat, and our news is real.

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times!

The Flat Earth Times will continue to host most of the original content of the Thirsty Turtle Times under its “Thirsty Turtle Times historical archives” banner.

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Student Protester Fully Understands Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Jessica Ringwatt knows everything.

COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and anything about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

That means everything.  Egyptian Islamic Nationalism, the plumbing industry in Gaza, influence of Ethiopian Jews on Zionism, traffic conditions in each Jewish settlement, the quality of flour allocated to West Bank refugee camps are several of the infinite topics she’s fully fluent in.

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University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

chrysler building

Studley mistook the Chrysler Building for an ear of corn.

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building.  Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn.

This past Thursday, Baylor University’s Men’s basketball team was crowned champions of the NIT in New York City’s Madison Square Garden, defeating the University of Iowa 74-54.  Studley, Iowa’s top scorer and rebounder, missed the entire game.

The prolific power forward was found on the 29th floor of the Chrysler Building while the game was still in progress.  Studley was attempting to shuck third tallest building in New York City because he apparently thought it was a massive ear of corn.

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