Student Protester Fully Understands Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and anything about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. That means everything.  Egyptian Islamic Nationalism, the plumbing industry in Gaza, influence of Ethiopian Jews on Zionism, traffic conditions in […]

University of Iowa Basketball Player Arrested For Trying to Harvest the Chrysler Building

The University of Iowa’s loss in the National Invitation Tournament has been blamed on the absence of stellar senior Whitman Studley, who missed the game while attempting to shuck the Chrysler Building.  Studley apparently mistook the iconic piece of the New York City skyline for a large ear of corn. This past Thursday, Baylor University’s […]

China Disowns UMD President Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation. Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent. “What’s he going to Taiwan for […]

University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

BEIRUT – The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week. The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more students opt to […]

UMD President Wallace Loh Suggests Students Swim in their Private Pools

Wallace Loh has responded after an angry mob of students descended upon his temporary residence today, demanding answers over the school’s proposal to build a $7.2 million dollar president’s mansion on campus. The school is building the palace in the wake of desperate budget shortfalls and potential cuts from Annapolis. Maryland is cutting eight varsity […]

Dead Hippo Found Under Floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s

Shock and awe reigned in downtown College Park this morning, when a dead hippopotamus was discovered wedged in the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station.  Evidence indicated it had been there for decades. “It was absolutely disgusting,” said John Brown, owner of the local bar. “Really, I never saw this coming.  There was no constant […]

NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence

NCAA Admits Intentional Incompetence After years of questionable stands, exploding salaries, and inexplicably selfish behavior, the National Collegiate Athletic Association and some of its satellite organizations have finally come forward to confess deliberately incompetent behavior. The announcement came as little surprise to some prominent observers.

University President Makes Surprise North Korea Visit During Trip to Asia

University of Maryland President Wallace Loh returned last week from what he termed a “very productive” trip to the Asian continent. President Loh left for China alongside a Maryland delegation, which included Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley, the latter of whom declared the trip’s one purpose to be “jobs.” He would soon be sidetracked.