Category Archives: World

World Jealous of Taliban Prisoner for not Knowing Trump was President

TORONTO – Worldwide showers of envy have rained down on Joshua Boyle, a Canadian-American man recently released along with his family from an isolated five-year imprisonment by the Taliban, for the man’s prolonged ignorance of the political ascendance of Donald Trump.

Mr. Boyle was expressed utter shock when, upon his arrival in Toronto, he was informed that Donald J. Trump, the billionaire real estate magnate and reality TV star, had somehow been elected US President last year.

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“Nine months,” lamented Phil Westowski, an accountant in Buffalo, New York. “You’re telling me he’s gone nine months thinking we had a normal president.”

Others wondered how he could have been blessed with such blissful ignorance, as he went about his days in darkness and physical torture.

“Apparently when they told him Trump had been elected, he didn’t believe them,” said Anthony Encito, a waiter in Los Angeles. “I wish I didn’t believe it, no matter how many shocks to the nipples they would have given me.”

Many envied the stability and normalcy Boyle assumed of the world as he witnessed his family be starved and exhausted.

Joshua Boyle, with that comforting smile after five years’ isolated imprisonment with the Taliban.

“It would be so nice to believe America had a competent leader,” expressed Katrien Janssens, a bakery worker in Heverlee, Belgium. “I’d sleep much better at night, even on a cave floor” she said sadly.

Still more were happy to imagine a five-year break from the news, or really anything electric at all.

“How many awful news stories did he miss…?” asked Jessica Ringwatt, a student at the University of Virginia. “What utter joy he must have had talking all day long with those evil murderers.”

There was a common feeling among those interviewed that Mr. Boyle was blessed to have his experience.

“I wish so bad the Taliban kidnapped my family for five years starting sometime before June 2015,” said Takaharu Miyazaki, an office worker in Nagoya, Japan.

“It would be a dream come true. Now he enters our nightmare.”

Janne Olson contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Republicans Propose Orchestrating Neutron Star Collision to Pay for Tax Cuts

CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to help pay for their tax cuts for the wealthy, also unveiled this week. The unique cosmic explosion, recently witnessed many lightyears away by scientists, is one of the universe’s only ways of creating the gold we find on our own planet.

Republican leaders have proposed bringing such a colossally violent hellfire into Earth’s neighborhood, saying the estimated nine octillion dollars in gold to come out of such an apocalyptic event may help pay for part of their proposed tax cuts for the wealthy this fall.

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US Secretary of State and North Korea Reach Unprecedented Agreement That Donald Trump is a Fucking Moron

SEOUL/NEW YORK: North Korea and the US State Department stunned the world on Wednesday by reaching a major accord for the first time in years, agreeing that US President Trump is a fucking moron.

The agreement, sending warm, hopeful tremors across the Earth, took some time to reach.

AP:

Tillerson after the major agreement

North Korea began raising eyebrows the past two weeks, after abandoning decades of heavily skewed propaganda to report factual news.

The North Korean Foreign Ministry last week called President Trump a “madman across the water,” and “a mentally deranged person full of megalomania and complacency” who was trying to turn the UN into a “gangsters’ nest.” Grand Marshall Kim Jong-un himself added to the shocking barrage of actual facts coming out of the normally propagandized North Korean media, referring to Trump as a “mentally deranged US dotard.”  Experts were stunned at the North Korean government’s sudden return to facts and logic.

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Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

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We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway.

But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force.

Property of the Flat Earth TimesThat alignment of words and meaning has been washed away by the rising tide of a very malicious kind of fake news. There emerged a movement of lies, lies that masked themselves as truth, designed to galvanize the hateful predispositions within us, into accepting false conclusions. Fake news of late has become, in short, a force of evil.

Where does the Flat Earth Times fit into this? We’re getting to it.

Still bound by the calling and the drive that built it, the Thirsty Turtle Times carried on, a force for positive reinforcement and encouragement to the coalition for reason – a fighting force against crazy people. That battle can no longer be fought only at the university level, or only in one town.

But we will do it right.  We want you to know, when you read our news, that we also think the Earth may be flat.

You want the truth you feel, not the truth you know. The world is flat, and our news is real.

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times!

The Flat Earth Times will continue to host most of the original content of the Thirsty Turtle Times under its “Thirsty Turtle Times historical archives” banner.

Germans Protest Removal of Hitler Statue in Berlin

BERLIN – Protests descended on the Tiergarten Park yesterday after the long-awaited decision to remove a statue of Adolf Hitler from the park’s center in downtown Berlin.

“It’s our German heritage!” screamed Kurtholm Frederschmidt, a window sealer from Blankenberg. “This is our German identity. The statue has nothing to do with racism or anti-semitism!”

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Berlin Protester’s Official Meme

The Berlin City Council decided to remove the statue after a long and contentious debate, releasing a statement saying it was “time for Germany to move on and heal.”

“I kind of thought we should have actually debated putting it up,” said City Councilwoman Anna Müller.

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British Pollsters Attempt To Shoot Themselves, Miss Badly

LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again.

Source: FiveThirtyEight

ICM’s Chief of Operations Lionel Caveron, overcome with shame, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, but he was off by over 45 degrees and shot an elderly woman in the calf instead.

Results in the UK’s snap election of June 8th have confirmed a hung parliament, raising prospects yet again of a coalition government in London, although pollsters had predicted conservatives to maintain their majority.  It was yet another major failure by British polling organizations.

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Student Protester Fully Understands Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Jessica Ringwatt knows everything.

COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and anything about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

That means everything.  Egyptian Islamic Nationalism, the plumbing industry in Gaza, influence of Ethiopian Jews on Zionism, traffic conditions in each Jewish settlement, the quality of flour allocated to West Bank refugee camps are several of the infinite topics she’s fully fluent in.

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The Far-Left Continues to Blackmail and Punish Society – with the Far-Right

Today’s chapter: France, where Marine Le Pen of the far-right National Front party is poised for an almighty upset that could rock the globe.

Le Pen fields reporters in Paris. Source.

The French far-left, which claims to despise her, could stop this.  But they seem content to let Le Pen slip the left flank and upend a 72-year norm that has held Europe at peace.

Following Donald Trump’s shock victory in the US Presidential election, political resistance became something of a norm for the American left, as frustration, angst, and energy shifted rapidly to the liberal opposition. Since President Trump’s inauguration, the impotent thrusts of his trainwreck of a presidency have galvanized a global resistance movement, culminating in defeats for the resurgent far-right movements in the Netherlands and Austria, a collapse in their polling support in Germany, and a plea for normalcy in France. When polls came in at the end of March, suggesting an easy advance on April 23rd and probable win for Emmanuel Macron, leader of a new, center-left movement En Marche, it seemed France was right on pace for the ongoing extinguishment of the far-right populist firestorm that has swept the western world, with the final douse coming this Sunday, May 7th, round two of the presidential election.

Enter Jean-Luc Mélenchon, stage far-left.

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China Disowns UMD President Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation.

Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent.

“What’s he going to Taiwan for when we have these financial problems?” asked Martin Monitz, a junior engineering major. “I want him in his office. No driving, no lunch, no electricity. These things cost money we don’t have! Fire Edsall!”

Loh attempting to change the Taiwanese flag with laser vision

But it was the response from the People’s Republic of China, differentiated as Mainland China or simply China, which drew the most attention. The autocratic emerging superpower visited by Loh and O’Malley last year has long been at odds with Taiwan, whose territory it claims as its own and whose government it asserts is “composed of a bunch of little bitchass crybabies.”

Chinese foreign minister Yang Jiechi declared today that he is revoking Dr. Loh’s birth in Shanghai, in a Beijing press conference. When asked how he had the power to change the past, a reporter disappeared forever.

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University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

BEIRUT – The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week.

Maryland-in-Damascus students in Syria celebrating a Men’s Horseshoes team win over rival Duke-in-Damascus.

The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more students opt to spend a semester outside of College Park, the school’s few programs throughout the world have become overwhelmed. UMD has been forced to look into areas it had previously avoided, and the one that stood out was the Arab world.

“We were starting to face criticism, and on top of that, President Assad gave us a tender offer we couldn’t refuse,” said Michael Ulrich, director of Maryland’s Education Abroad department, speaking from his brand new Audi R8 GT Spyder.

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