Category Archives: World

Swiss Start Slow Clap as Team Korea Blown Out Yet Again

♪ “Taste the kimchi, taste the rice! Team Korea, here unites!” ♪

PYEONGCHANG – The united women’s hockey team of North and South Korea was treated to a deeply-sought slow-clap at the 2018 Winter Olympic games in Korea on Wednesday.

After losing two straight games 8-0 to Sweden and Switzerland, Team Korea arrived for their final match against Japan last night fighting for some respect and dignity. They arrived on the rink, singing this tune with pride, power, and not taking no crap off of nobody.

They were about to find out, uniting their countries wasn’t so easy!

Just like Switzerland and Sweden before it, Japan happily sabotaged the Korean peace effort, defeating Team Korea by a score of 4-1 and sealing a demoralizing 0-3 run for the home team.

“As usual, Japan and Switzerland demonstrated that war is all they’ve ever cared about,” said Team Korea’s Canadian Coach, Sarah Murray. “Sweden could have stayed neutral and kept out of it, but obviously that’s not what Swedes do. They get involved and cause problems,” she said, referring to Team Sweden’s 8-0 rout of Team Korea on Monday.

Outscored 20-1 in their three games, Team Korea nonetheless put up a spirited effort in their loss to Japan. Referee Tina Alan recalled how she nearly called it early in mercy to the players, but was headed off by the emotional moment.

“I was going to call the game midway through the third period, maybe give the North Koreans a chance to evacuate to a safer country,” she said. “But then the Swiss started that slow-clap and we thought, meh, let’s let them finish.”

The Swiss slow-clap, as it does, gradually turned into a spirited applause for Team Korea who gave it their all as a team struggling to overcome their comically disparate character flaws and differences.  The clap consumed the entire rest of the game, likely preventing another four goals by the Japanese team.

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Swiss Women’s Hockey Team cheering on Team Korea after finding newfound respect in the latter’s overcoming adversity to make a spirited Olympic effort.

“Very good Korea,” said Switzerland’s Ana Muller to Team Korea’s Sojung Shin, having overcome her insecurities and aversions toward a new and unconventional opponent, now viewing them as a worthy and respectable equal. “See you in four years, ja?”

Last to join in the applause was US Vice President and head of the American delegation Mike Pence, who spent most of the Olympics looking on with a sour look, but was overcome by the inspiring demonstration of the young Korean women.

US Vice President Mike Pence (left) pondering whether the hard-working young girls can overcome his icy hesitance and be worthy of his approval and applause.

He gave that last, approving-nod-with-a-furrowed-brow-and-firm-but-slight-smile-indicative-of-having-overcome-his-own-doubts, and joined the applause.

Icy Sprints contributed to this report.  They can be reached at

Switzerland Ruins Korean Peace Effort

♪ Some people, you know they can’t believe! ♬ Korea has a unified ho-ckey team! ♪

PYEONGCHANG – Team Korea’s team could be heard singing this tune as they marched onto the ice Saturday at the Olympic games in PyeongChang, South Korea. Fans were screaming themselves hoarse, joyous and proud to see a united Korean team, whose leaders know nothing but strife, yet whose players appeared to stand together as sisters.

But their newly formed team was about to find out, getting along wasn’t going to be easy.

Don’t touch me,” said Team Korea’s Sojung Shin to new North Korean teammate Jong Su-hyon, as they engaged in grueling warmups. Clearly the team had some camaraderie kinks to work out, notwithstanding the fact that the North Korean players kept calling their teammates “Comrade.”

The unified Korean team had ignited a peninsula-wide dream of bringing together the adversarial sibling nations. Then came the puck drop.

Switzerland’s women’s national hockey team was all over the ice, showing off and embarrassing the host nation on Saturday.  Notching a dominant 8-0 victory, the Swiss shattered hopes for peace and reunification of North and South Korea. And they don’t seem to care.

“Vhy don’t you put training wheelz on zose skates?” said the Swiss team’s leading scorer, Alina Muller, to Team Korea’s Canadian coach, Sarah Murray, while she gave basic pointers to some North Korean skaters. “Ya, are you going to tuck them in when you’re done?”

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Swiss National Women’s Hockey Team mocking their Korean opponents Saturday

Switzerland’s obliterating victory has crushed their dreams with the weight of an Alpine glacier.

“It’s tough coming back from this,” said Coach Murray. “Switzerland has once again shown that it has only one desire – war.”

Switzerland was defiant, provoking Team Korea at every opportune moment.

“You have no business here, North Korea,” said Muller bitterly at Pyeongchang’s folksy Korean music bar after the game, reflecting bitter hatred, with a shade of striving for an insecure father’s impossible expectations of victory. “Jou and jour communist friends, playing like you’re hockey players. Jou wanna zay something? Come on, out wiz it.”

Team Korea’s Sojung Shin then took teammate Jong Su-hyon to the bathroom and forced her to look in the mirror, repeating unheard empowerment phrases over and over.

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Pride! Power! A badass comrade who only take crap from the Politburo!

A large fight then ensued, after which the Swiss team learned that maybe their opponents have more guts and grit than they initially credited them for.

To be continued…

John Candy contributed to this report. He can be reached at

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President Trump Informed that Hawaii is Part of US

WASHINGTON – White House advisors spent several hours on Sunday explaining to President Trump that the archipelago of Hawaii is in fact part of the United States.

A false ballistic missile alert that left over a million Hawaiians in terror on Saturday was apparently sent out by human error. Nonetheless, Hawaiians remained very shaken by the ordeal and were perhaps looking for leadership to soothe their weary hearts and minds.

“No way am I sending condolences, that’s in Africa,” Mr. Trump was reported to have said.

Property of the Flat Earth Times“Why should I care if Africans are sending missiles at each other?” the President said. “They do it all the time. Those countries are shi-”

“Mr. President, Hawaii is part of the United States,” said an aide.

Advisors reportedly encouraged the President to send out something – anything – to the people of Hawaii, be it a consolatory tweet or a visit from the vice president. But he had not moved on.

“Hawaii is definitely the capital of Kenya,” he insisted.

Over the next several hours, advisors tried using atlases, Google Maps, Wikipedia, and a globe to convince the president Hawaii was in fact the fiftieth state of the United States, an archipelago in the Pacific Ocean. Reportedly, Trump finally became convinced after playing the 1985 computer game Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

“So Hawaii is a state? Did they vote for me against Crooked Hillary? No? Can I win them in 2020? No? Ok, I’m going to tweet about how this economy is my achievement instead,” he is presumed to have said.

Lilo and Stitch contributed to this report. They can be reached at

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Future Taxpayers Send #MeToo Messages Back in Time

TWENTY-SEVENTEEN: The future arrived in furious fashion in Washington today, after passage of the “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” by Republican-controlled Congress. Future American taxpayers used social media posts, postcards, and other forms of communication not yet invented to send a simple message back through time to our present day in 2017: #MeToo.

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“Why are you passing a tax cut when half your country is nearing retirement?” was written on a postcard dated 12/10/2062, by Delmara Gordon. “Don’t you realize how much coin this will cost us? I can’t even afford my fealty to Lord Comcast this week, which is why I’m using a postcard. You don’t want to know what I had to do for these antique stamps. #MeToo”

It seems humans figured out time travel in the 2030s, and immediately used their new power to reach back in time and accuse the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of raping their pocket books.

Cards, posts, and messages were received at relatives’ houses, newspaper offices, on politicians’ social media pages, and magically popped into people’s heads, a future technology know as “empasynthizing.” Some were quite blunt.

“This is Jerome Davis,” said one empasynthizing post from August 2041.  It was sent to every social media user who “liked” President Trump’s tax plan boast on Facebook.

“Your tax cut just raped my whole family and our pet tribble. Bitcoin taxes through the roof now. Not even money for tree-simulators. #MeToo”

There were familiar names in the messages as well, including relatives of Republican Senators and Congressmen who helped pass the bill yesterday.

“So yeah, great-great-grandpa, it was real cool o’ you to make so much money off that bill and give Gam-gam that private jet that was untaxed,” wrote Nessie Corker, a 19-year-old, in an email to the office of Senator Bob Corker (R, TN) dated from A.D. 2052. “But without any money for defense, diplomacy, or infrastructure, the Chinese took over global commerce and made us convert to metric, and now no one can fly it. Our dignity is gone, and the taxes are abusive. #MeToo, 再见,我爱你”

One taxpayer, Michelle Jackson, was able to call The Flat Earth Times from A.D. 2104 and make a brief statement before being chased away from the phone-temple by a pack of Bernese Sanders Mountain Raiders.

“We were able to survive just by eating Trumps for a while, since they’re so fatty,” she said.  “But now there’s even a tax on cannibalism. #MeToo.”

A flock of Deficit-Crows contributed to this report.  They can be reached in 2017 at

Report: Russians Making Fake People

LANGLEY, VIRGINIA – The Russian government, widely acknowledged to have interfered in the 2016 US presidential election, has now been reportedly making cybernetic organisms to infiltrate American politics.

The Russian government has been known to pay thousands of internet trolls to sway American public opinion on social media. Now reports suggest the American adversary has manufactured cybernetic organisms.

At least one organism became the spokesman for the failed Senate campaign of Roy S. Moore, former chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court. Ted Crockett, the Russian cyborg, was discovered when his batteries ran out during an interview with Jake Tapper on CNN.

Crockett was able to reboot as Tapper cut out the interview. Authorities were then contacted and Crockett was picked up, taken to a CIA field office at an undisclosed location, and promptly taken apart and dissected.

“This is pretty advanced technology,” said Agent Osbourne Cox, a CIA agent. “It can walk, talk, and speak, and it has considerable sway over highly gullible voters.”

He said, however, that unlike Russian internet trolls, the cyborgs “have a fatal flaw.”

“Their batteries drain instantly when presented with facts,” he said. “Whereas a Russian internet troll can just vanish and reappear somewhere else, the cyborg can’t go anywhere and seems to burn all its juice just trying to process the fact.”

Russians are expected to bypass this system flaw, but experts say there is one tick that observers can use to spot the cyborg spies.

“They’ll need to change the subject from the fact that is killing their system, so they’ll randomly blurt out something folksy like ‘Merry Christmas.’”

Watch Crockett’s batteries run out here:

#CucksForTrump contributed to this report.  They can be reached at

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I.C.E. Hires Big Bad Wolf to Test Border Wall Prototypes

SAN DIEGO – President Trump’s proposed wall on the US border with Mexico is moving forward, and US Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has employed the services of the Big Bad Wolf to help test the capability and durability of various prototypes.

Despite political gridlock on the decision to build a wall, and regardless of whether or not Congress will approve the funding for construction, plans are moving forward.

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Many construction companies, vying for the contract, have submitted twelve-foot segments for government evaluation, and Border Patrol agents confirmed the Big Bad Wolf has been flown in from fictional 19th century England for the testing.

“Mr. Wolf’s long record of arson, rape, murder, and general mischief makes him a perfect test subject. If he can’t penetrate the Wall, no Mexican can.” said acting ICE Director Thomas Homan.

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World Jealous of Taliban Prisoner for not Knowing Trump was President

TORONTO – Worldwide showers of envy have rained down on Joshua Boyle, a Canadian-American man recently released along with his family from an isolated five-year imprisonment by the Taliban, for the man’s prolonged ignorance of the political ascendance of Donald Trump.

Mr. Boyle was expressed utter shock when, upon his arrival in Toronto, he was informed that Donald J. Trump, the billionaire real estate magnate and reality TV star, had somehow been elected US President last year.

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“Nine months,” lamented Phil Westowski, an accountant in Buffalo, New York. “You’re telling me he’s gone nine months thinking we had a normal president.”

Others wondered how he could have been blessed with such blissful ignorance, as he went about his days in darkness and physical torture.

“Apparently when they told him Trump had been elected, he didn’t believe them,” said Anthony Encito, a waiter in Los Angeles. “I wish I didn’t believe it, no matter how many shocks to the nipples they would have given me.”

Many envied the stability and normalcy Boyle assumed of the world as he witnessed his family be starved and exhausted.

Joshua Boyle, with that comforting smile after five years’ isolated imprisonment with the Taliban.

“It would be so nice to believe America had a competent leader,” expressed Katrien Janssens, a bakery worker in Heverlee, Belgium. “I’d sleep much better at night, even on a cave floor” she said sadly.

Still more were happy to imagine a five-year break from the news, or really anything electric at all.

“How many awful news stories did he miss…?” asked Jessica Ringwatt, a student at the University of Virginia. “What utter joy he must have had talking all day long with those evil murderers.”

There was a common feeling among those interviewed that Mr. Boyle was blessed to have his experience.

“I wish so bad the Taliban kidnapped my family for five years starting sometime before June 2015,” said Takaharu Miyazaki, an office worker in Nagoya, Japan.

“It would be a dream come true. Now he enters our nightmare.”

Janne Olson contributed to this report. He can be reached at

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Republicans Propose Orchestrating Neutron Star Collision to Pay for Tax Cuts

CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to help pay for their tax cuts for the wealthy, also unveiled this week. The unique cosmic explosion, recently witnessed many lightyears away by scientists, is one of the universe’s only ways of creating the gold we find on our own planet.

Republican leaders have proposed bringing such a colossally violent hellfire into Earth’s neighborhood, saying the estimated nine octillion dollars in gold to come out of such an apocalyptic event may help pay for part of their proposed tax cuts for the wealthy this fall.

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US Secretary of State and North Korea Reach Unprecedented Agreement That Donald Trump is a Fucking Moron

SEOUL/NEW YORK: North Korea and the US State Department stunned the world on Wednesday by reaching a major accord for the first time in years, agreeing that US President Trump is a fucking moron.

The agreement, sending warm, hopeful tremors across the Earth, took some time to reach.


Tillerson after the major agreement

North Korea began raising eyebrows the past two weeks, after abandoning decades of heavily skewed propaganda to report factual news.

The North Korean Foreign Ministry last week called President Trump a “madman across the water,” and “a mentally deranged person full of megalomania and complacency” who was trying to turn the UN into a “gangsters’ nest.” Grand Marshall Kim Jong-un himself added to the shocking barrage of actual facts coming out of the normally propagandized North Korean media, referring to Trump as a “mentally deranged US dotard.”  Experts were stunned at the North Korean government’s sudden return to facts and logic.

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Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

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We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway.

But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force.

Property of the Flat Earth TimesThat alignment of words and meaning has been washed away by the rising tide of a very malicious kind of fake news. There emerged a movement of lies, lies that masked themselves as truth, designed to galvanize the hateful predispositions within us, into accepting false conclusions. Fake news of late has become, in short, a force of evil.

Where does the Flat Earth Times fit into this? We’re getting to it.

Still bound by the calling and the drive that built it, the Thirsty Turtle Times carried on, a force for positive reinforcement and encouragement to the coalition for reason – a fighting force against crazy people. That battle can no longer be fought only at the university level, or only in one town.

But we will do it right.  We want you to know, when you read our news, that we also think the Earth may be flat.

You want the truth you feel, not the truth you know. The world is flat, and our news is real.

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times!

The Flat Earth Times will continue to host most of the original content of the Thirsty Turtle Times under its “Thirsty Turtle Times historical archives” banner.

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