US Secretary of State and North Korea Reach Unprecedented Agreement That Donald Trump is a Fucking Moron

SEOUL/NEW YORK: North Korea and the US State Department stunned the world on Wednesday by reaching a major accord for the first time in years, agreeing that US President Trump is a fucking moron. The agreement, sending warm, hopeful tremors across the Earth, took some time to reach. North Korea began raising eyebrows the past […]

Welcome to the Flat Earth Times

We live in a startling new world. In 2011, the Thirsty Turtle Times began as a proud platform for fake news. Our understanding of this term at the time was news that wasn’t real but told the truth anyway. But there has been an awakening, on the Dark Side of the force. That alignment of words […]

Germans Protest Removal of Hitler Statue in Berlin

BERLIN – Protests descended on the Tiergarten Park yesterday after the long-awaited decision to remove a statue of Adolf Hitler from the park’s center in downtown Berlin. “It’s our German heritage!” screamed Kurtholm Frederschmidt, a window sealer from Blankenberg. “This is our German identity. The statue has nothing to do with racism or anti-semitism!” The Berlin […]

British Pollsters Attempt To Shoot Themselves, Miss Badly

LONDON – Frustrated and agonized over yet another massive polling miss, several British pollsters attempted to commit suicide on Friday as election results rolled in, failing miserably yet again. ICM’s Chief of Operations Lionel Caveron, overcome with shame, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger, but he was off by over 45 degrees […]

Student Protester Fully Understands Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and anything about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. That means everything.  Egyptian Islamic Nationalism, the plumbing industry in Gaza, influence of Ethiopian Jews on Zionism, traffic conditions in […]

The Far-Left Continues to Blackmail and Punish Society – with the Far-Right

Today’s chapter: France, where Marine Le Pen of the far-right National Front party is poised for an almighty upset that could rock the globe. The French far-left, which claims to despise her, could stop this.  But they seem content to let Le Pen slip the left flank and upend a 72-year norm that has held Europe […]

China Disowns UMD President Wallace Loh for Taiwan Visit

BEIJING – University of Maryland President Wallace D. Loh has been internationally rebuked for his current trip to the Republic of China, better known as Taiwan. Dr. Loh left for Taiwan this past Saturday as part of a University of Maryland delegation. Right off the bat, students voiced their discontent. “What’s he going to Taiwan for […]

University of Maryland to Launch Maryland-in-Damascus Program

BEIRUT – The University of Maryland has expanded its Education Abroad department and begun a program in Damascus, the capital of the Middle Eastern nation of Syria. The first students for Maryland-in-Damascus will ship out this week. The recent move was in response to new pressures and incentives. As more and more students opt to […]