Swiss Start Slow Clap as Team Korea Blown Out Yet Again

♪ “Taste the kimchi, taste the rice! Team Korea, here unites!” ♪ PYEONGCHANG – The united women’s hockey team of North and South Korea was treated to a deeply-sought slow-clap at the 2018 Winter Olympic games in Korea on Wednesday. After losing two straight games 8-0 to Sweden and Switzerland, Team Korea arrived for their final match […]

Switzerland Ruins Korean Peace Effort

♪ Some people, you know they can’t believe! ♬ Korea has a unified ho-ckey team! ♪ PYEONGCHANG – Team Korea’s team could be heard singing this tune as they marched onto the ice Saturday at the Olympic games in PyeongChang, South Korea. Fans were screaming themselves hoarse, joyous and proud to see a united Korean […]

Jeb Bush to Emerge from Bedroom for First Time in Two Years

MIAMI – Jeb Bush, former Governor of Florida, announced yesterday that he would be leaving his bedroom for the first time since quitting the 2016 presidential race two years ago. After embarrassing losses in the Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina primaries in early 2016, the son and brother of former presidents faced the daunting […]

Philadelphians Suddenly Not Terrible People Anymore

PHILADELPHIA – After decades of frightening reports, violent tailgates, and rambunctious viral videos, Philadelphia’s iconic and obnoxious sports fans suddenly and unexpectedly became kind, gracious, professional, intellectual ladies and gentlemen Sunday night, following their Eagles’ first Super Bowl championship over the New England Patriots. Long known for crumbling sports shortcomings and subsequently vile, obnoxious fans […]

Local Woman Impressed with President Trump for not Defecating Pants During SOTU

RALEIGH – A local suburban mother of three was very impressed with President Trump’s State of the Union Address last night, highlighting his successful effort to hold his bowels as he stood before both houses of Congress. “He just showed so much restraint and maturity,” said Karen Mourmont, a housewife from Cornelius, North Carolina, seated […]

Democrats Fear Losing Dozens of Voters if they Embrace Legal Weed

WASHINGTON – Democratic leaders are shaking over a potential loss of support if more of their prominent voices come out in support of ending national marijuana prohibition. New Jersey’s newly inaugurated Governor Phil Murphy, a Democrat, rattled the national establishment by openly supporting legalized weed during his successful 2017 election campaign, losing an estimated 5-7 […]

New York Liberals Threaten to Vote Joe Manchin Out in West Virginia Primary

NEW YORK OR CHARLESTOWN: New York Democrats are targeting West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin and pledging not to vote for him in their Democratic primary on June 26th, 2018. Mr. Manchin was one of a few moderate Senate Democrats who sided with Republicans to end the federal government shutdown this week, abandoning a short stand […]

Barrage of Instagram Posts from Manhattan Women’s March Successfully Convert Red States into Blue States.

NEW YORK – Millions of registered voters who cast their ballots for now-President Trump and congressional Republicans across rural America expressed complete reversals in their political ideologies over the weekend, turning dozens of reliably-Republican state voter-blocs into reliably-Democratic ones.  The sudden shift was a direct result of the Women’s March held in Manhattan and the […]

White House Physician: President Trump Can Walk On Water

WASHINGTON – Official White House Physician Ronny L. Jackson assured reporters on Wednesday that President Trump is not only healthy, but he can walk on water as well. “The President has shown that his heart is fully functional, his lungs are spotless, his body-fat levels are down, his liver is unblemished, his chins are one, […]

President Trump Informed that Hawaii is Part of US

WASHINGTON – White House advisors spent several hours on Sunday explaining to President Trump that the archipelago of Hawaii is in fact part of the United States. A false ballistic missile alert that left over a million Hawaiians in terror on Saturday was apparently sent out by human error. Nonetheless, Hawaiians remained very shaken by […]