WASHINGTON – It wasn’t just Democrats reveling a shocking upset victory last night, as Democrat Doug Jones defeated Republican Roy Moore to become Alabama’s next Senator. Teenagers across Washington, D.C. took to the streets to celebrate that accused child-molester Roy Moore would not be coming to the city.
“Where are we going?” shouted 15-year-old Bryce DeJohnson, a high school student, to an assembled crowd at Logan Circle.
“The Mall!” shouted back the 100 or so high school students.
“When are we going?”
“For at least three more years!”
The students had lamented that, with the impending arrival of Mr. Moore to the US Senate, the malls would inevitably shut down for safety concerns. Or worse – they’d be lurked by the child-predator. The kids feared the same for movie theaters, parks, and playgrounds where they drink alcohol on weekends.
“Where would I look around, not buy anything, and stare at my phone?!” said Becky Donovan, a 16-year-old high school student in Edgewood. “He lost! We’re saved! Today, we are liberated. I learned that word the other day in Mr. Jericho’s English class. He’s sooo dreamy. He- hey! Why are you walking away?”
Mr. Moore was defeated by Doug Jones, a Democrat, in an upset. Mr. Jones is not a pedophile.
It was a different story down in Gadsen, Alabama. Teenagers there were distraught.
“I guess I could just go on the internet,” said Sandra McGarvey, a 14-year-old student and Gadsen native. “I met this cool guy on there anyway, he said he’d take me on his horse!”
Forest Gump contributed to this report. He can be reached at email@example.com
BIRMINGHAM – Scientists and religious experts today discovered a magical curse that appears to prevent Republican politicians from endorsing Democrats in American elections.
“This was an extraordinary discovery of deductive reasoning,” said Dr. Neil Gordon, an anthropologist at the University of Alabama who helped lead the discovery. His team used test subjects, a Ouija board, and a team of Bhutanese shamans to discover an omnipresent cosmic force that binds the hands and tongues of Republican politicians the moment they attempt to express support for a Democrat in any given election, no matter how obvious the choice should be.
This footage was captured of a Republican politician sitting with scientists, attempting to call the Washington Post to express support for US Senate Candidate Doug Jones, a Democrat:
Democrats have been unable to gain the public support of any prominent national Republicans, even when facing candidates the Republicans believed to be:
Possible Manchurian candidates
People who think being raped shuts down the uterus.
“A threat to global order”
A candidate who denounced constitutional amendments freeing African-Americans from slavery and giving American women the right to vote.
Apparently, it was because of magic.
“Many years ago, a great and terrible Republican died, but his soul did not leave,” explained Jian, a Bhutanese shaman. “He haunts every Republican soul, speaking the 11th commandment, binding their silence. They call him the Gipper.”
“There is just no other explanation for this. I mean no one can be THAT cowardly!” said Dr. Gordon, his Bhutanese shamans nodding behind him. “It’s the Reagan Curse.”
There do appear to be loopholes in the curse. Sarcasm, for example, seems to be unaffected, demonstrated by then-candidate Trump cheering on “Crazy Bernie” Sanders in the 2016 Democratic primary campaign. Republicans also appear free to pretend American elections are non-binary and endorse random certain-losers, such as Governor John Kasich’s support for non-candidate John McCain in his critical home state of Ohio in the 2016 Presidential election.
More recently, Republicans have tested the limits of the curse in trying to stop probable-pedophile and definite-wacko Roy Moore, a former judge, from winning the Alabama Senate seat vacated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Mr. Jones, Mr. Moore’s Democratic opponent, appears to be relatively sane and not a child molester, so Republicans have danced around the curse trying to help him win.
“I encourage you to take a stand for our core principles and for what is right. These critical times require us to come together to reject bigotry, sexism, and intolerance,” said former Secretary of State and Alabama native Condoleezza Rice, clearly begging voters to support Doug Jones but magically forbidden from doing so.
Senator Richard Shelby, a Republican and Alabama’s other Senator, also did his best to break the curse, making an admirable effort to express support for the Democrat, Mr. Jones. But ultimately, fear of working alongside a pedophile was not enough, as he was unable to even mention Mr. Jones’ name. He instead says he supported a “distinguished Republican.”
Senator Jeff Flake (R, AZ) appears to have bypassed the limits, tweeting a check made out to the Jones Campaign, yet still not using the E-word. He also publicly expressed support saying he “would vote for the Democrat” if he were in Alabama. He was immediately taken into testing by Dr. Gordon’s team.
“Senator Flake appears to have been under a self-induced hallucination,” said Dr. Gordon. “He somehow convinced himself, momentarily, that the Democrat WAS the Republican.” Dr. Gordon suggested he likely picked up some “serious shit” at Arizona State University, located just outside Phoenix.
Dr. Gordon believes there may be one more way to break the curse. “They could, you know, just stop being pussies,” he offered. “But that would take another miracle.”
Jigme Singye Wangchuck, all hail his grace, contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
BIRMINGHAM – The Senate Campaign of Democrat Doug Jones received a much-needed boost in Alabama today as Jim, an insurance agent in Birmingham, became the eighth white voter in the Yellowhammer State to declare his support for the former prosecutor.
“Yeah, Roy Moore is just kind of a creepo,” said Jim, scratching his head. The Doug Jones Campaign is now studying him to see how they can keep their momentum going.
“We were really struggling to get past the sixth voter, the old ‘sinners sixth’ as it were,” said Doug Jones campaign spokesman Sebastian Kitchen. “Eight is just unprecedented. What’s next?!”
The Roy Moore campaign did not respond for comment, and rumors that they had secured their first black voter could not be confirmed.
The race is currently too close to call, with polls generating leads for both candidates.
“There are a lot of promising statistics heading into this election,” said Kitchen. “Consider that 62.5% of Doug’s white supporters say they know him personally and see him every day – he’s really family to these voters!”
Others were focused on the little things.
“This Derrick Jones guy has a lot going for him,” said Jim. “I like that he’s not a pedophile.”
FiveThirtyNate contributed to this report. They can be reached at email@example.com
MIAMI – Long-time Republican political consultant Roger Stone is aggressively assembling an army of sexual assault victims to take down various Democratic politicians.
“This is Gina,” said Stone, demonstrating the latest model off his press, a T12000 with full conversational skills and gropeable body parts. “And Chuck Schumer touched her ‘gina.”
Stone is believed to have had some advance warning of the accusations against soon-to-resign Senator Al Franken (D, MN), some of which were made by right-wing talking heads.
“Leanne Tweeden was one of our finest models!” Stone bragged, unabashed, referring to Mr. Franken’s first accuser. “Her name comes from ‘lying’ and ‘tweeting,’ which is basically our political strategy for the next three years. We’re preparing enough models for every Democrat campaign in 2018 or 2020.”
Questions remain over the tax overhaul Republicans are currently trying to conference into one passable bill – namely, why are they Russiang the bill through Congress so quickly?
Democrats allege the bill is Flynng through Congress is because of its historic unpopularity. They are working overtime Staling the overhaul, but it is not clear if they can crop away enough Republican votes to stop it.
“Republicans think they can hammer this awful bill through,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren (D, MA). “It’s sickle, really.”
WASHINGTON – President Trump, eager to sign a massive tax cut into law as the first major legislative achievement of his tenure, this morning took the unusual step of having a bowel movement on the South Lawn of the White House.
During a live phone interview with CNN’s Blitz Wolfman, President Trump was asked about the numerous analyses that suggest the bill, polling poorly with the American public, benefits the rich at the expense of students.
“Didn’t you see what Lavar Ball said yesterday?” responded Trump. “Terrible! No gratitude in these guys.” Wolfman asked once more about the bill, at which point Trump hung up. He was seen moments later sprinting haphazardly onto the South Lawn, dropping his pants, and initiating a robust bowel movement in front of hundreds of bewildered reporters and tourists.
“The Fake News Media has nothing but lies to report on our big, oohh, beautiful, yeah…. tax plan!” he was heard saying, shifting and squatting as he desecrated the freshly cut green grass, gesturing to Vice President Mike Pence behind him for toilet paper. “Muslims killed Jesus” he added, noticing the reporters.
Some Conservative pundits came to the president’s defense.
“Trump is showing that we’re not going to deal with any more of the crap of the Obama Administration,” said Sean Hannity on his Fox News program that day.
The tax plan Senate Republicans are working to pass has left millions unsure of what they may receive in their paychecks next year, with many in the middle class expecting tax hikes. Some were on hand to witness the President’s bowel movement.
“I can’t believe he’s pooping on the lawn!” said Theresa Morgan, a bus driver on vacation from Denver in response to a question about the roughly $1,400 she expects to pay in additional taxes and medical insurance premiums under the Senate bill. “Oh, and did you hear about Matt Lauer?”
When asked as he walked back to the White House why the Senate Tax Bill was including cuts to student loan interest deductions that graduate students depend on, President Trump turned back and promptly suggested his feces looked like several prominent black athletes.
A passing butterfly contributed to this report. It can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
WASHINGTON – Senate Republicans, working feverishly to shore up support for a deeply unpopular tax plan, added scrotum-cleansing as an additional benefit to the top tax bracket to the bill Thursday morning, hoping to prevent possible defections from the forthcoming vote.
Currently, the nation’s top earners are taxed at 39.6% of their income, not including capital gains or deductions. The business rate is 35%, though most are able to deduct to about 24% on average, with no scrotum-cleansing for any earners. The new plan aims to cut the personal rate to 38% and the business rate to 20%, and include scrotum-cleansing for top-bracket earners as well.
Senate Republicans promoting testicle-cleansing for the wealthy on Capitol Hill yesterday.
Kyrie Irving has had an incredible start to the NBA season. Since losing teammate Gordon Hayward to a season-ending injury, Kyrie’s Boston Celtics rocketed to the top of the standings with a 16-game winning streak, focusing on teamwork and fourth quarter stamina, often fighting back from double-digit deficits.
Kyrie Irving, seen here knowing the truth.
The edge of defeat is no match for Kyrie, for there is only one edge he fears, and it is that of our planet. Kyrie’s all-star performance to tip off the NBA season prove his fears to be valid, and the Earth to be flat.
Take a look at this (real) statement by Kyrie from a podcast last month with UCONN Coach Geno Auriemma:
“When I started actually doing research on my own and figuring out that there is no real picture of Earth, not one real picture of Earth — and we haven’t been back to the moon since 1961 or 1969 — it becomes like conspiracy, too.”
Let’s break down Kyrie’s drive and grit here. Consider that the Earth is huge, and it’s really difficult to get a camera far enough away (using powerful rockets at astronomical cost) to actually capture the whole planet in a single shot. Take for a moment the ability of high-altitude photos to demonstrate the steady curvature of the planet. Add in that there definitely are pictures of Earth, anyway. Like a bunch.
And ask yourself, QUESTION: How can you look at all that evidence, and still fight on in the battle for the truth?
ANSWER: With the same GRIT, DETERMINATION, and FIGHT to WIN against the odds that brought a team missing its star small forward to a sixteen-game winning streak with eight comebacks over the NBA’s leading teams.
Some would consider being down double-digits in the fourth quarter evidence of impending defeat. Well Kyrie Irving doesn’t care about evidence. That’s a #FlatEarthFact.
Then there are weanie-science nerds like Bill Nye who suggest that it’s irresponsible to talk up debunked theories from a platform such as Kyrie’s and that societies figured out the Earth was spherical over two millennia ago. Well Mr. Science Guy, they say history is written by the winners. How many NBA games have you won?
Kyrie Irving plays for the Celtics, a team named for the Celts, an ancient society of winners. They came from northwestern Europe and ALSO understood the Earth to be flat. That’s why they built Stonehenge. It’s a discus. #FlatEarthFact.
Kyrie‘s skills clearly demonstrate his understanding that gravity is not a function of mass; it is merely that force he battles daily, the force that threatens to drag us off our home should we take the wrong step, and the blessing that keeps his opponents’ hands fractions of an inch below his perfect shots.
With every jumpshot he drops into that flat, rounded rim, Kyrie Irving sinks that spherical-Earth theory into the oceans of our flat-discus home, lifting the Celtics to ever-increasing glory and the Flat-Earth movement to ever-startling heights.
And he wins, proving that in this slice of the pie we call America, the Flat Earth Times is the truth.
Because in America, winning is the only truth that matters. #FlatEarthFact
A Boston Celtics Fan contributed to this editorial. He can be reached at email@example.com
SAN DIEGO – President Trump’s proposed wall on the US border with Mexico is moving forward, and US Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has employed the services of the Big Bad Wolf to help test the capability and durability of various prototypes.
Despite political gridlock on the decision to build a wall, and regardless of whether or not Congress will approve the funding for construction, plans are moving forward.
Many construction companies, vying for the contract, have submitted twelve-foot segments for government evaluation, and Border Patrol agents confirmed the Big Bad Wolf has been flown in from fictional 19th century England for the testing.
“Mr. Wolf’s long record of arson, rape, murder, and general mischief makes him a perfect test subject. If he can’t penetrate the Wall, no Mexican can.” said acting ICE Director Thomas Homan.