College Park

thirstyturtletimes September 7, 2011

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight. Authorization was granted last […]

thirstyturtletimes September 3, 2011

Jimmy John’s Sandwiches, located in downtown College Park, Maryland, issued a public apology this week for a delivery mishap that occurred during Hurricane Irene. The hurricane swept through College Park last weekend on its way up the East Coast, downing power lines and trees, causing over a billion dollars in damage.  It closed every business […]

thirstyturtletimes August 1, 2011

Shock and awe reigned in downtown College Park this morning, when a dead hippopotamus was discovered wedged in the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station.  Evidence indicated it had been there for decades. “It was absolutely disgusting,” said John Brown, owner of the local bar. “Really, I never saw this coming.  There was no constant […]

thirstyturtletimes June 17, 2011

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before. The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’  We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future.  And […]