Aux Armes! – An NRA Response to UMD President Loh’s Assault on the Second Amendment

Editor’s note: In light of College Park’s recent murder-suicide tragedy, the gun control debate has come to the University of Maryland. UMD President Wallace Loh penned a column in the Diamondback calling for passage of Governor Martin O’Malley’s recent gun control proposals. In response, the National Rifle Association has reached out to the Thirsty Turtle […]

UMD Authorizes Open Fire on Students Drinking Underage

COLLEGE PARK – Fresh from a $30,000 grant from Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley’s office to combat underage drinking, the University of Maryland Police Department announced today that it has been authorized to open fire on all minors suspected to be in possession of alcohol. Orders are shoot to kill, on sight. Authorization was granted last […]

Jimmy John’s Apologizes for Delivery Mishap

Jimmy John’s Sandwiches, located in downtown College Park, Maryland, issued a public apology this week for a delivery mishap that occurred during Hurricane Irene. The hurricane swept through College Park last weekend on its way up the East Coast, downing power lines and trees, causing over a billion dollars in damage.  It closed every business […]

Dead Hippo Found Under Floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s

Shock and awe reigned in downtown College Park this morning, when a dead hippopotamus was discovered wedged in the floorboards at R.J. Bentley’s Filling Station.  Evidence indicated it had been there for decades. “It was absolutely disgusting,” said John Brown, owner of the local bar. “Really, I never saw this coming.  There was no constant […]

Welcome to the Thirsty Turtle Times

This  “news agency” will serve the College Park community. It’s brand new. And it’s unlike any you’ve ever seen before. The Thirsty Turtle Times will run substance-free.  We don’t have ‘reporters.’ We don’t have a ‘budget.’  We don’t have ‘paper circulation’ – not because of our low budget, but because we embrace the future.  And […]