Tag Archives: Cool Runnings

Swiss Start Slow Clap as Team Korea Blown Out Yet Again

♪ “Taste the kimchi, taste the rice! Team Korea, here unites!” ♪

PYEONGCHANG – The united women’s hockey team of North and South Korea was treated to a deeply-sought slow-clap at the 2018 Winter Olympic games in Korea on Wednesday.

After losing two straight games 8-0 to Sweden and Switzerland, Team Korea arrived for their final match against Japan last night fighting for some respect and dignity. They arrived on the rink, singing this tune with pride, power, and not taking no crap off of nobody.

They were about to find out, uniting their countries wasn’t so easy!

Just like Switzerland and Sweden before it, Japan happily sabotaged the Korean peace effort, defeating Team Korea by a score of 4-1 and sealing a demoralizing 0-3 run for the home team.

“As usual, Japan and Switzerland demonstrated that war is all they’ve ever cared about,” said Team Korea’s Canadian Coach, Sarah Murray. “Sweden could have stayed neutral and kept out of it, but obviously that’s not what Swedes do. They get involved and cause problems,” she said, referring to Team Sweden’s 8-0 rout of Team Korea on Monday.

Outscored 20-1 in their three games, Team Korea nonetheless put up a spirited effort in their loss to Japan. Referee Tina Alan recalled how she nearly called it early in mercy to the players, but was headed off by the emotional moment.

“I was going to call the game midway through the third period, maybe give the North Koreans a chance to evacuate to a safer country,” she said. “But then the Swiss started that slow-clap and we thought, meh, let’s let them finish.”

The Swiss slow-clap, as it does, gradually turned into a spirited applause for Team Korea who gave it their all as a team struggling to overcome their comically disparate character flaws and differences.  The clap consumed the entire rest of the game, likely preventing another four goals by the Japanese team.

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Swiss Women’s Hockey Team cheering on Team Korea after finding newfound respect in the latter’s overcoming adversity to make a spirited Olympic effort.

“Very good Korea,” said Switzerland’s Ana Muller to Team Korea’s Sojung Shin, having overcome her insecurities and aversions toward a new and unconventional opponent, now viewing them as a worthy and respectable equal. “See you in four years, ja?”

Last to join in the applause was US Vice President and head of the American delegation Mike Pence, who spent most of the Olympics looking on with a sour look, but was overcome by the inspiring demonstration of the young Korean women.

US Vice President Mike Pence (left) pondering whether the hard-working young girls can overcome his icy hesitance and be worthy of his approval and applause.

He gave that last, approving-nod-with-a-furrowed-brow-and-firm-but-slight-smile-indicative-of-having-overcome-his-own-doubts, and joined the applause.

Icy Sprints contributed to this report.  They can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

Switzerland Ruins Korean Peace Effort

♪ Some people, you know they can’t believe! ♬ Korea has a unified ho-ckey team! ♪

PYEONGCHANG – Team Korea’s team could be heard singing this tune as they marched onto the ice Saturday at the Olympic games in PyeongChang, South Korea. Fans were screaming themselves hoarse, joyous and proud to see a united Korean team, whose leaders know nothing but strife, yet whose players appeared to stand together as sisters.

But their newly formed team was about to find out, getting along wasn’t going to be easy.

Don’t touch me,” said Team Korea’s Sojung Shin to new North Korean teammate Jong Su-hyon, as they engaged in grueling warmups. Clearly the team had some camaraderie kinks to work out, notwithstanding the fact that the North Korean players kept calling their teammates “Comrade.”

The unified Korean team had ignited a peninsula-wide dream of bringing together the adversarial sibling nations. Then came the puck drop.

Switzerland’s women’s national hockey team was all over the ice, showing off and embarrassing the host nation on Saturday.  Notching a dominant 8-0 victory, the Swiss shattered hopes for peace and reunification of North and South Korea. And they don’t seem to care.

“Vhy don’t you put training wheelz on zose skates?” said the Swiss team’s leading scorer, Alina Muller, to Team Korea’s Canadian coach, Sarah Murray, while she gave basic pointers to some North Korean skaters. “Ya, are you going to tuck them in when you’re done?”

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Swiss National Women’s Hockey Team mocking their Korean opponents Saturday

Switzerland’s obliterating victory has crushed their dreams with the weight of an Alpine glacier.

“It’s tough coming back from this,” said Coach Murray. “Switzerland has once again shown that it has only one desire – war.”

Switzerland was defiant, provoking Team Korea at every opportune moment.

“You have no business here, North Korea,” said Muller bitterly at Pyeongchang’s folksy Korean music bar after the game, reflecting bitter hatred, with a shade of striving for an insecure father’s impossible expectations of victory. “Jou and jour communist friends, playing like you’re hockey players. Jou wanna zay something? Come on, out wiz it.”

Team Korea’s Sojung Shin then took teammate Jong Su-hyon to the bathroom and forced her to look in the mirror, repeating unheard empowerment phrases over and over.

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Pride! Power! A badass comrade who only take crap from the Politburo!

A large fight then ensued, after which the Swiss team learned that maybe their opponents have more guts and grit than they initially credited them for.

To be continued…

John Candy contributed to this report. He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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