CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to help pay for their tax cuts for the wealthy, also unveiled this week. The unique cosmic explosion, recently witnessed many lightyears away by scientists, is one of the universe’s only ways of creating the gold we find on our own planet.
Republican leaders have proposed bringing such a colossally violent hellfire into Earth’s neighborhood, saying the estimated nine octillion dollars in gold to come out of such an apocalyptic event may help pay for part of their proposed tax cuts for the wealthy this fall.
CHARLOTTESVILLE: Students at the University of Virginia here in Charlottesville are angry, and with Election Day approaching fast, many are struggling to come up with what to do instead of voting.
The students have not forgotten the tumultuous rallies and violence that rocked the small college town in August, killing one protester and wounding many more.
“I’ll never forget what the political right did to our town!” said sophomore poetry major Jessica Ringwatt. “I just don’t know what to do about it. Maybe on Election Day, I’ll listen to my favorite Yoga CD!”