WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly had a momentary brain fart at a press conference yesterday, forgetting, despite his best efforts, to recall the name, character, and life story of his boss and commander-in-chief, President Donald J. Trump.
“The practice of turning our nations most sacred thing – the fallen men and women who gave everything they had to this country and its ideals – into political pawns, is abhorrent” said White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly, himself the father of a fallen veteran. “No one who hurts a Gold Star family is worthy of these halls, and I hope we don’t let it happen. Let’s just keep that sacred.”
Asked if that stance would disqualify President Trump for political office considering his highly criticized insults of the Gold Star family of deceased US Army Captain Humayun Khan last year, General Kelly furrowed his brow, responding, “Wait… who?”
CHICAGO: The Onion, a satirical news source known for outrageous headlines of impossible-to-believe stories, is suing the Trump Administration for stealing so many of their ideas and attempting to make them a reality.
Kurt Mueller, the Chief Operating Officer of the Onion, was furious and focused outside of Cook County Courthouse in Chicago. “Trump Administration Relying on Elton John Lyrics to Conduct Diplomacy with North Korea – stolen! Senators Tweet Criticism of ‘White House Daycare Nannies’ for Missing President-Sitting Shifts – also robbed! Meanwhile the President proclaims a sexual assault month and says he doesn’t need intelligence briefings because he’s ‘smart.’”
The Onion is alleging that every time they come up with the “craziest” idea for a story their 140 employees can think of, the President and his administration preempts them by stealing the idea.
“It’s almost like he has our ‘wires tapped,’” said Mueller, before bursting into laughter. “He stole that one too!”
The Trump Administration responded to this report by calling it Fake News.
“President Furiously Orders Administration to Defend the Size of His Inauguration Crowd – that was my favorite one” said Mueller sadly. “We were going to cut off ‘inauguration crowd’ for click-bait, and make all kinds of penile references. I wept when Trump stole that one.”
WASHINGTON – Every-day supporters of President Trump have grown increasingly agitated by left-wing snowflakes teasing and insulting them. Additionally, they feel quite offended by “hate-marches” designed to hurt the president.
Trump supporters are sick of having their feelings hurt.
“He’s a sensitive man,” said former Speaker-of-the-House and adamant Trump supporter Newt Gingrich on Fox News Sunday. “They should be more fair to him, and to us,” he finished, voice cracking, before asking for a commercial break and a glass of water.
A small number of the mostly white, working-class, male supporters came out to Washington to counter-protest against left-wing protesters on Pennsylvania Avenue this weekend. And they were very upset.
“They keep screaming and hollering at us!” said Cliff Moyer, a bricklayer from a rural Virginia county, looking highly disgruntled, as the dueling marches chanted at each other. “I’m sick of it! Damn snowflakes!” he added.
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night.
Trump farting last night.
Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, accusations of collusion with Russia and obstruction of justice, growing whispers of impeachment, and decreasing cooperation on his agenda with congressional Republicans, the showman-turned-politician-turned president announced on Twitter that he would be delivering “major, clarifying speech from my office about this fake news!” He went live at 8:02 PM, whereupon he began to release a long, slow fart.
“It was the squeaker type” explained gastroenterology expert researcher Bernard Donovan of the University of San Diego. “The kind that begins quietly, only humoring those immediately around it, and then grows and grows until it becomes unstoppable and unwillingly coats everyone in a foul odor.”