Local Man Plans Several Angry Internet Comments if Trump Fires Mueller

NASHVILLE – Gerald Hansley, a CVS clerk in Nashville, declared today he would angrily post comments on several social media sites if President Trump moves to shut down the Russia special counsel investigation. The special counsel, headed by Robert Mueller, has been investigating possible collusion between the Russian government and the Trump presidential campaign. President […]

Jared Kushner to Dine at Kiddie Table with Barron

WASHINGTON – Jared Kushner, Senior Advisor to the president, has been relegated to eating his meals at the White House kiddie table. He now dines with Barron, President Trump’s youngest son. Following the downgrading of his White House security clearance, Jared Kushner, the president’s son-in-law, was widely criticized for being privy to highly sensitive national […]

Democrats Fear Losing Dozens of Voters if they Embrace Legal Weed

WASHINGTON – Democratic leaders are shaking over a potential loss of support if more of their prominent voices come out in support of ending national marijuana prohibition. New Jersey’s newly inaugurated Governor Phil Murphy, a Democrat, rattled the national establishment by openly supporting legalized weed during his successful 2017 election campaign, losing an estimated 5-7 […]

White House Physician: President Trump Can Walk On Water

WASHINGTON – Official White House Physician Ronny L. Jackson assured reporters on Wednesday that President Trump is not only healthy, but he can walk on water as well. “The President has shown that his heart is fully functional, his lungs are spotless, his body-fat levels are down, his liver is unblemished, his chins are one, […]

President Trump Informed that Hawaii is Part of US

WASHINGTON – White House advisors spent several hours on Sunday explaining to President Trump that the archipelago of Hawaii is in fact part of the United States. A false ballistic missile alert that left over a million Hawaiians in terror on Saturday was apparently sent out by human error. Nonetheless, Hawaiians remained very shaken by […]

Republican Leaders Elated To Receive Coal From Santa

CHARLESTON – Republican leaders around the country were ecstatic Christmas morning to receive coal from Santa. “Another promise, another victory,” declared President Trump at the White House. “Bring back coal? Well we did just that for the American people, delivered by Santa’s American hands.” Republicans received lumps of coal in an apparent repudiation from Santa […]

As Media Shifts Focus to Tax Bill, Trump Desperately Takes Dump on South Lawn

WASHINGTON – President Trump, eager to sign a massive tax cut into law as the first major legislative achievement of his tenure, this morning took the unusual step of having a bowel movement on the South Lawn of the White House. During a live phone interview with CNN’s Blitz Wolfman, President Trump was asked about […]

I.C.E. Hires Big Bad Wolf to Test Border Wall Prototypes

SAN DIEGO – President Trump’s proposed wall on the US border with Mexico is moving forward, and US Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has employed the services of the Big Bad Wolf to help test the capability and durability of various prototypes. Despite political gridlock on the decision to build a wall, and regardless of […]

Gen. John Kelly Momentarily Forgets President Trump Exists

WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly had a momentary brain fart at a press conference yesterday, forgetting, despite his best efforts, to recall the name, character, and life story of his boss and commander-in-chief, President Donald J. Trump. “The practice of turning our nations most sacred thing – the fallen men […]

The Onion Sues Trump Administration for Stealing All Their Ideas

CHICAGO: The Onion, a satirical news source known for outrageous headlines of impossible-to-believe stories, is suing the Trump Administration for stealing so many of their ideas and attempting to make them a reality. Kurt Mueller, the Chief Operating Officer of the Onion, was furious and focused outside of Cook County Courthouse in Chicago. “Trump Administration […]