President Trump

williamwallace January 18, 2018

WASHINGTON – Official White House Physician Ronny L. Jackson assured reporters on Wednesday that President Trump is not only healthy, but he can walk on water as well. “The President has shown that his heart is fully functional, his lungs are spotless, his body-fat levels are down, his liver is unblemished, his chins are one, […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk January 15, 2018

WASHINGTON – White House advisors spent several hours on Sunday explaining to President Trump that the archipelago of Hawaii is in fact part of the United States. A false ballistic missile alert that left over a million Hawaiians in terror on Saturday was apparently sent out by human error. Nonetheless, Hawaiians remained very shaken by […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk December 25, 2017

CHARLESTON – Republican leaders around the country were ecstatic Christmas morning to receive coal from Santa. “Another promise, another victory,” declared President Trump at the White House. “Bring back coal? Well we did just that for the American people, delivered by Santa’s American hands.” Republicans received lumps of coal in an apparent repudiation from Santa […]

Flat Earth Times News Desk November 23, 2017

SAN DIEGO – President Trump’s proposed wall on the US border with Mexico is moving forward, and US Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has employed the services of the Big Bad Wolf to help test the capability and durability of various prototypes. Despite political gridlock on the decision to build a wall, and regardless of […]

williamwallace October 20, 2017

WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly had a momentary brain fart at a press conference yesterday, forgetting, despite his best efforts, to recall the name, character, and life story of his boss and commander-in-chief, President Donald J. Trump. “The practice of turning our nations most sacred thing – the fallen men […]

williamwallace October 17, 2017

CHICAGO: The Onion, a satirical news source known for outrageous headlines of impossible-to-believe stories, is suing the Trump Administration for stealing so many of their ideas and attempting to make them a reality. Kurt Mueller, the Chief Operating Officer of the Onion, was furious and focused outside of Cook County Courthouse in Chicago. “Trump Administration […]

thirstyturtletimes May 26, 2017

WASHINGTON – Every-day supporters of President Trump have grown increasingly agitated by left-wing snowflakes teasing and insulting them. Additionally, they feel quite offended by “hate-marches” designed to hurt the president. “He’s a sensitive man,” said former Speaker-of-the-House and adamant Trump supporter Newt Gingrich on Fox News Sunday. “They should be more fair to him, and […]

thirstyturtletimes May 17, 2017

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night. Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, accusations of collusion with Russia and obstruction of justice, growing whispers of impeachment, and decreasing cooperation on his agenda with congressional Republicans, the showman-turned-politician-turned president […]