Tag Archives: President Trump

Democrats Fear Losing Dozens of Voters if they Embrace Legal Weed

WASHINGTON – Democratic leaders are shaking over a potential loss of support if more of their prominent voices come out in support of ending national marijuana prohibition.

New Jersey’s newly inaugurated Governor Phil Murphy, a Democrat, rattled the national establishment by openly supporting legalized weed during his successful 2017 election campaign, losing an estimated 5-7 voters in the process.

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“We’ll never get those votes back” fumed Dianne Feinstein, Democratic Senator from California, suggesting only the historic unpopularity of outgoing Republican Governor Chris Christie (a staunch legal weed opponent) saved Mr. Murphy. “How on Earth do Democrats think this is a winning issue?”

According to a recent poll by Gallup, a tiny minority of 64% of Americans support legalization, as well as a measly 72% of Democrats. Additionally, Democrats stand little chance of gaining more than just a few million Republican votes, since only a small minority of 51% of Republicans support legalization, while a healthy and robust 29% of Republican voters express confidence in their party. Republican voters are certainly not up for grabs on any issue whatsoever.

Representative Steny Hoyer (MD-5), Democratic Whip, suggested these stats showed grave danger for Democrats.

“The Democrats we need to win are cops… old people who support authoritarianism… working-class Joe Schmo’s who never took drugs… people who never left their hometown and bullied the losers who smoked weed… Jeff Sessions fans…  without them, we’re doomed!” he said.

Hopeful of taking the House and even whispering of chances to take the Senate in November, Democrats are nonetheless struggling to find a unifying message to motivate voters, beyond just opposing an unpopular President Trump.

Mr. Hoyer worried about the potential effects of marijuana on Democratic voters, who tend to be younger and probably more likely to use the drug.

“Marijuana will not help us win,” he said. “We don’t want “high” voter participation.”

Someone who just realized ants are the coolest creature in the animal kingdom and will probably succeed humans as rulers of the planet contributed to this report.  He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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White House Physician: President Trump Can Walk On Water

WASHINGTON – Official White House Physician Ronny L. Jackson assured reporters on Wednesday that President Trump is not only healthy, but he can walk on water as well.

“The President has shown that his heart is fully functional, his lungs are spotless, his body-fat levels are down, his liver is unblemished, his chins are one, and his hydro-plane skills superb,” said Dr. Jackson, a former rear admiral in the navy.

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President Trump Informed that Hawaii is Part of US

WASHINGTON – White House advisors spent several hours on Sunday explaining to President Trump that the archipelago of Hawaii is in fact part of the United States.

A false ballistic missile alert that left over a million Hawaiians in terror on Saturday was apparently sent out by human error. Nonetheless, Hawaiians remained very shaken by the ordeal and were perhaps looking for leadership to soothe their weary hearts and minds.

“No way am I sending condolences, that’s in Africa,” Mr. Trump was reported to have said.

Property of the Flat Earth Times“Why should I care if Africans are sending missiles at each other?” the President said. “They do it all the time. Those countries are shi-”

“Mr. President, Hawaii is part of the United States,” said an aide.

Advisors reportedly encouraged the President to send out something – anything – to the people of Hawaii, be it a consolatory tweet or a visit from the vice president. But he had not moved on.

“Hawaii is definitely the capital of Kenya,” he insisted.

Over the next several hours, advisors tried using atlases, Google Maps, Wikipedia, and a globe to convince the president Hawaii was in fact the fiftieth state of the United States, an archipelago in the Pacific Ocean. Reportedly, Trump finally became convinced after playing the 1985 computer game Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

“So Hawaii is a state? Did they vote for me against Crooked Hillary? No? Can I win them in 2020? No? Ok, I’m going to tweet about how this economy is my achievement instead,” he is presumed to have said.

Lilo and Stitch contributed to this report. They can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Republican Leaders Elated To Receive Coal From Santa

CHARLESTON – Republican leaders around the country were ecstatic Christmas morning to receive coal from Santa.

“Another promise, another victory,” declared President Trump at the White House. “Bring back coal? Well we did just that for the American people, delivered by Santa’s American hands.”

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Republicans received lumps of coal in an apparent repudiation from Santa Claus, having found their way firmly onto Santa’s notorious “Naughty List” in 2017.  Long feared by the planet’s wealthiest and most powerful, the list is associated with punitive gifts, snubs, and occasionally violent revolutions.

However, this year, Republicans saw Santa and his documents as a potential long-shot bid to reignite the nation’s flagging coal industry.  Bringing back tens of thousands of coal mining jobs lost to competition and regulatory pressure was a promise of then-candidate Trump on last year’s campaign trail, and one with no feasible route to achievement.

Except from the North Pole.  Republicans believe a steady stream of free coal deliveries may help the dirty fossil fuel compete in the market with wildly cheaper, safer, cleaner, more efficient power methods.

“This was one of those things we’d say and then, you know, pray for a miracle,” said West Virginia Senator Shelley Moore Capito, a Republican. “I want to personally thank Santa for acknowledging how hard we worked for this gift.”

“Ho-ho-ho,” said Santa, riding his sleigh to China to deliver reins to Chinese President Xi Jingping. “They earned it!  Sometime between when they took healthcare away from 13 million people and when they gave massive tax breaks to half the naughty list, I knew I’d be sending the elves to West Virginia this year.”

Republican leaders have already worked out how to earn coal for next year as well, planning massive Social Security and Medicare cuts in 2018.  Santa, however, is planning ahead.

“I’m thinking I’ll start putting wind turbines in their stockings instead.”

A dissenting Elf contributed to this report.  He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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As Media Shifts Focus to Tax Bill, Trump Desperately Takes Dump on South Lawn

WASHINGTON – President Trump, eager to sign a massive tax cut into law as the first major legislative achievement of his tenure, this morning took the unusual step of having a bowel movement on the South Lawn of the White House.

During a live phone interview with CNN’s Blitz Wolfman, President Trump was asked about the numerous analyses that suggest the bill, polling poorly with the American public, benefits the rich at the expense of students.

“Didn’t you see what Lavar Ball said yesterday?” responded Trump. “Terrible! No gratitude in these guys.” Wolfman asked once more about the bill, at which point Trump hung up. He was seen moments later sprinting haphazardly onto the South Lawn, dropping his pants, and initiating a robust bowel movement in front of hundreds of bewildered reporters and tourists.

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“The Fake News Media has nothing but lies to report on our big, oohh, beautiful, yeah…. tax plan!” he was heard saying, shifting and squatting as he desecrated the freshly cut green grass, gesturing to Vice President Mike Pence behind him for toilet paper. “Muslims killed Jesus” he added, noticing the reporters.

Some Conservative pundits came to the president’s defense.

“Trump is showing that we’re not going to deal with any more of the crap of the Obama Administration,” said Sean Hannity on his Fox News program that day.

The tax plan Senate Republicans are working to pass has left millions unsure of what they may receive in their paychecks next year, with many in the middle class expecting tax hikes.  Some were on hand to witness the President’s bowel movement.

“I can’t believe he’s pooping on the lawn!” said Theresa Morgan, a bus driver on vacation from Denver in response to a question about the roughly $1,400 she expects to pay in additional taxes and medical insurance premiums under the Senate bill. “Oh, and did you hear about Matt Lauer?”

When asked as he walked back to the White House why the Senate Tax Bill was including cuts to student loan interest deductions that graduate students depend on, President Trump turned back and promptly suggested his feces looked like several prominent black athletes.

A passing butterfly contributed to this report. It can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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I.C.E. Hires Big Bad Wolf to Test Border Wall Prototypes

SAN DIEGO – President Trump’s proposed wall on the US border with Mexico is moving forward, and US Immigrations and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has employed the services of the Big Bad Wolf to help test the capability and durability of various prototypes.

Despite political gridlock on the decision to build a wall, and regardless of whether or not Congress will approve the funding for construction, plans are moving forward.

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Many construction companies, vying for the contract, have submitted twelve-foot segments for government evaluation, and Border Patrol agents confirmed the Big Bad Wolf has been flown in from fictional 19th century England for the testing.

“Mr. Wolf’s long record of arson, rape, murder, and general mischief makes him a perfect test subject. If he can’t penetrate the Wall, no Mexican can.” said acting ICE Director Thomas Homan.

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Gen. John Kelly Momentarily Forgets President Trump Exists

WASHINGTON – White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly had a momentary brain fart at a press conference yesterday, forgetting, despite his best efforts, to recall the name, character, and life story of his boss and commander-in-chief, President Donald J. Trump.

“The practice of turning our nations most sacred thing – the fallen men and women who gave everything they had to this country and its ideals – into political pawns, is abhorrent” said White House Chief of Staff General John Kelly, himself the father of a fallen veteran. “No one who hurts a Gold Star family is worthy of these halls, and I hope we don’t let it happen.  Let’s just keep that sacred.”

Asked if that stance would disqualify President Trump for political office considering his highly criticized insults of the Gold Star family of deceased US Army Captain Humayun Khan last year, General Kelly furrowed his brow, responding, “Wait… who?”

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The Onion Sues Trump Administration for Stealing All Their Ideas

CHICAGO: The Onion, a satirical news source known for outrageous headlines of impossible-to-believe stories, is suing the Trump Administration for stealing so many of their ideas and attempting to make them a reality.

Kurt Mueller, the Chief Operating Officer of the Onion, was furious and focused outside of Cook County Courthouse in Chicago. “Trump Administration Relying on Elton John Lyrics to Conduct Diplomacy with North Korea – stolen! Senators Tweet Criticism of ‘White House Daycare Nannies’ for Missing President-Sitting Shifts – also robbed! Meanwhile the President proclaims a sexual assault month and says he doesn’t need intelligence briefings because he’s ‘smart.’”

The Onion is alleging that every time they come up with the “craziest” idea for a story their 140 employees can think of, the President and his administration preempts them by stealing the idea.

“It’s almost like he has our ‘wires tapped,’” said Mueller, before bursting into laughter. “He stole that one too!”

The Trump Administration responded to this report by calling it Fake News.

President Furiously Orders Administration to Defend the Size of His Inauguration Crowd – that was my favorite one” said Mueller sadly. “We were going to cut off ‘inauguration crowd’ for click-bait, and make all kinds of penile references. I wept when Trump stole that one.”

M Night Shyamalan contributed to this report. He can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com.

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Trump Supporters Sick of Being Insulted By Meanie Liberal Snowflakes

WASHINGTON – Every-day supporters of President Trump have grown increasingly agitated by left-wing snowflakes teasing and insulting them. Additionally, they feel quite offended by “hate-marches” designed to hurt the president.

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Trump supporters are sick of having their feelings hurt.

“He’s a sensitive man,” said former Speaker-of-the-House and adamant Trump supporter Newt Gingrich on Fox News Sunday. “They should be more fair to him, and to us,” he finished, voice cracking, before asking for a commercial break and a glass of water.

A small number of the mostly white, working-class, male supporters came out to Washington to counter-protest against left-wing protesters on Pennsylvania Avenue this weekend. And they were very upset.

“They keep screaming and hollering at us!” said Cliff Moyer, a bricklayer from a rural Virginia county, looking highly disgruntled, as the dueling marches chanted at each other. “I’m sick of it! Damn snowflakes!” he added.

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President Trump Farts On Live TV To Distract Press From Deepening Scandals

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night.

Trump farting last night.

Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, accusations of collusion with Russia and obstruction of justice, growing whispers of impeachment, and decreasing cooperation on his agenda with congressional Republicans, the showman-turned-politician-turned president announced on Twitter that he would be delivering “major, clarifying speech from my office about this fake news!” He went live at 8:02 PM, whereupon he began to release a long, slow fart.

“It was the squeaker type” explained gastroenterology expert researcher Bernard Donovan of the University of San Diego. “The kind that begins quietly, only humoring those immediately around it, and then grows and grows until it becomes unstoppable and unwillingly coats everyone in a foul odor.”

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