Tag Archives: President

World Jealous of Taliban Prisoner for not Knowing Trump was President

TORONTO – Worldwide showers of envy have rained down on Joshua Boyle, a Canadian-American man recently released along with his family from an isolated five-year imprisonment by the Taliban, for the man’s prolonged ignorance of the political ascendance of Donald Trump.

Mr. Boyle was expressed utter shock when, upon his arrival in Toronto, he was informed that Donald J. Trump, the billionaire real estate magnate and reality TV star, had somehow been elected US President last year.

Property of the Flat Earth Times

“Nine months,” lamented Phil Westowski, an accountant in Buffalo, New York. “You’re telling me he’s gone nine months thinking we had a normal president.”

Others wondered how he could have been blessed with such blissful ignorance, as he went about his days in darkness and physical torture.

“Apparently when they told him Trump had been elected, he didn’t believe them,” said Anthony Encito, a waiter in Los Angeles. “I wish I didn’t believe it, no matter how many shocks to the nipples they would have given me.”

Many envied the stability and normalcy Boyle assumed of the world as he witnessed his family be starved and exhausted.

Joshua Boyle, with that comforting smile after five years’ isolated imprisonment with the Taliban.

“It would be so nice to believe America had a competent leader,” expressed Katrien Janssens, a bakery worker in Heverlee, Belgium. “I’d sleep much better at night, even on a cave floor” she said sadly.

Still more were happy to imagine a five-year break from the news, or really anything electric at all.

“How many awful news stories did he miss…?” asked Jessica Ringwatt, a student at the University of Virginia. “What utter joy he must have had talking all day long with those evil murderers.”

There was a common feeling among those interviewed that Mr. Boyle was blessed to have his experience.

“I wish so bad the Taliban kidnapped my family for five years starting sometime before June 2015,” said Takaharu Miyazaki, an office worker in Nagoya, Japan.

“It would be a dream come true. Now he enters our nightmare.”

Janne Olson contributed to this report. He can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Property of the Flat Earth Times

Entire Trump Administration Derailed by ‘Perfect’ Late-Night Comedy Joke

NEW YORK – The Trump Administration has come to a crashing halt, with all executive branch offices of the federal government vacated as of 8:00 AM Monday.  The apparent cause of the political thunderbolt was a totally “perfect” joke, delivered in the usual Wednesday evening broadcast of The Daily Show with Trevor Noah by the host, Trevor Noah.

By SKEWERING, DEMOLISHING, BURNING, TACKLING, DESTROYING, and EVISCERATING former President Trump for his blatantly racist and misogynistic views in a perfect zinger long sought by late-night comedians, that left several audience members dead from laughter-induced seizures, Mr. Noah finally put an end to the tyranny and recklessness of the Trump administration.

Former President Trump departed the White House on Marine One this morning, after a very brief statement.

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Trump Administration Condemns Post-2016 Politicizing of Dead Soldiers

WASHINGTON – The Trump Administration is coming down hard on Democrats and journalists whom they accuse of politicizing US soldiers killed in combat, something they insist has not been acceptable since 2016.

“It is unacceptable to use our nation’s fallen heroes as political footballs in 2017,” insisted White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “The time and place to do that was during and before the 2016 US presidential election and transition.”

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders criticizing politicizing of Dead soldiers since 2017 yesterday

Administration officials are irate over media focus on the death of US Army Sgt. La David Johnson and three other soldiers in Niger in an ISIS ambush on October 4th, and President Trump’s controversial, delayed conciliatory phone call to Sgt. Johnson’s widow in which he allegedly told her “[Sgt. Johnson?] knew what he signed up for.” They focused their anger on House Representative Frederica Wilson (D, FL), whom the administration said in a statement, “unfairly leveled a politicized attack regarding military deaths in 2017, which is not 2016.”

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University of Virginia Students, Furious at Trump and Republicans, Unsure what to do Instead of Voting on Election Day

CHARLOTTESVILLE: Students at the University of Virginia here in Charlottesville are angry, and with Election Day approaching fast, many are struggling to come up with what to do instead of voting.

The students have not forgotten the tumultuous rallies and violence that rocked the small college town in August, killing one protester and wounding many more.

“I’ll never forget what the political right did to our town!” said sophomore poetry major Jessica Ringwatt.  “I just don’t know what to do about it.  Maybe on Election Day, I’ll listen to my favorite Yoga CD!”

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US Secretary of State and North Korea Reach Unprecedented Agreement That Donald Trump is a Fucking Moron

SEOUL/NEW YORK: North Korea and the US State Department stunned the world on Wednesday by reaching a major accord for the first time in years, agreeing that US President Trump is a fucking moron.

The agreement, sending warm, hopeful tremors across the Earth, took some time to reach.

AP:

Tillerson after the major agreement

North Korea began raising eyebrows the past two weeks, after abandoning decades of heavily skewed propaganda to report factual news.

The North Korean Foreign Ministry last week called President Trump a “madman across the water,” and “a mentally deranged person full of megalomania and complacency” who was trying to turn the UN into a “gangsters’ nest.” Grand Marshall Kim Jong-un himself added to the shocking barrage of actual facts coming out of the normally propagandized North Korean media, referring to Trump as a “mentally deranged US dotard.”  Experts were stunned at the North Korean government’s sudden return to facts and logic.

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Black Lives Matter Demands Montenegro Change Name

WASHINGTON – Montenegro has surfaced in the news lately, as President Trump appeared to shove the small Balkan nation’s prime minister out of the way in preparation for a photo with other NATO leaders.

Black Lives Matter Protesters outside the Embassy of Montenegro Friday

However, it was the decade-old nation’s name, derived from black mountain in Latin, that drove the ire of Black Lives Matter protesters outside the nation’s embassy in Washington this weekend.

“Negro is a terrible word, and it should be illegal!” screamed Betsy Adams, a senior gender studies major at Howard University.  “How dare the Ancient Romans not take the plight of contemporary African-Americans into consideration!”

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