Tag Archives: Republicans

Republicans Unable to Decide Between Tax Cuts for Millionaires, Basic Integrity

WASHINGTON – As Republican Judge Roy Moore plows on through accusations of molesting teenage girls in the Alabama special Senate Election, Republicans nationally are flummoxed.

Republicans are weighing their options between the tax cuts Moore is likely to support shortly after taking office, or the basic integrity that comes with electing a candidate not accused of inviting 14-year-old girls to your house to get them drunk and try to have sex with them.

Property of the Flat Earth Times

“This is hard,” said Gert Ningrich, a Fox News panelist. “Almost as hard as no 32-year-old man should be when he’s with a 14-year-old girl.”

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NJ and VA Republicans Send Thoughts and Prayers to Ballot Boxes

RICHMOND – Republican voters in New Jersey and Virginia sent thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) to their voting precincts on Tuesday, hoping to hold off a wave of Democrats eager to send a message to President Trump and Republicans nationwide.

“We knew this would be a tough election, so we wanted to get our #ThoughtsAndPrayers out early and often,” said Ed Gillespie, the defeated Republican candidate for governor in Virginia.

“It was a shame our thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) came up short,” he added.  “Maybe I was slouching too much on the pews.”

Bellwether elections in New Jersey and Virginia, and elsewhere delivered big wins for Democratic candidates on Tuesday, including legislative races and referendums nationwide.  It is an ominous warning of Republican vulnerabilities going into 2018 midterms and leading some Republicans to question the recipient of their thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers).

“I’m not sure we thought or prayed hard enough,” said Kim Guadagno, the Republican candidate for governor in New Jersey. “God can be elusive at the ballot box.  Or maybe we should just have thought and prayed more aimlessly, you know like, in general, with our eyes shut. Or we should have just sat quietly still with our hands clasped like we did when we were kids, and pretended to do thoughts and prayers, but really just wait for Mommy and Daddy to finish.  You know?  Or perhaps we didn’t use enough hashtags.  #ThoughtsAndPrayers”

Republicans put together an aggressive Get-Out-The-Thoughts-And-Prayers (#GOTTP) effort aided by large volunteer groups in both states.

“Our guys did a great job making sure as many voters as possible stayed home and thought and prayed for us, #ThoughtsAndPrayers,” said Gillespie.

The Republicans had a robust phone canvassing operation as well, robo-calling every precinct in both states with pre-recorded #ThoughtsAndPrayers messages in an effort to turn the tide.

There was great disappointment in Republican voters in both states.

“I can’t believe our #ThoughtsAndPrayers weren’t enough,” said Christopher Page, a Republican from Woodbridge, Virginia. “It’s almost like thoughts and prayers have nothing to do with effecting political change in a democracy,” He said.

“#ThoughtsAndPrayers.”

Thoughts and Prayers contributed to this report. They can be reached at flatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Republicans Propose Orchestrating Neutron Star Collision to Pay for Tax Cuts

CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to help pay for their tax cuts for the wealthy, also unveiled this week. The unique cosmic explosion, recently witnessed many lightyears away by scientists, is one of the universe’s only ways of creating the gold we find on our own planet.

Republican leaders have proposed bringing such a colossally violent hellfire into Earth’s neighborhood, saying the estimated nine octillion dollars in gold to come out of such an apocalyptic event may help pay for part of their proposed tax cuts for the wealthy this fall.

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University of Virginia Students, Furious at Trump and Republicans, Unsure what to do Instead of Voting on Election Day

CHARLOTTESVILLE: Students at the University of Virginia here in Charlottesville are angry, and with Election Day approaching fast, many are struggling to come up with what to do instead of voting.

The students have not forgotten the tumultuous rallies and violence that rocked the small college town in August, killing one protester and wounding many more.

“I’ll never forget what the political right did to our town!” said sophomore poetry major Jessica Ringwatt.  “I just don’t know what to do about it.  Maybe on Election Day, I’ll listen to my favorite Yoga CD!”

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“Red Pill” Curator Robert Fisher Hailed For Republican Authenticity

CONCORD – Adoration and praise rained down on State Representative Robert Fisher this week, as the New Hampshire Republican, accused of covertly promoting profane and chauvinist ideologies on the internet, has been hailed as a beacon of authenticity in an era of two-faced politicians.

New Hampshire State Representative Robert Fisher (R)

“Thank the Lord for Reddit!” shouted Reverend Milton Sheffield, a Concord Preacher, to a screaming crowd that gathered on Sunday to support Mr. Fisher.

Mr. Fisher was recently outed by The Daily Beast as the founder of social media site Reddit’s “The Red Pill” forum, where he has been linked to a user account suggesting women were intellectually inferior to men, only useful for sex, that feminists all have “rape fantasies,” and more.

The accurate correlation of his private views to the Republican Party platform reassured constituents across the political spectrum, who praised Fisher’s uncommon honesty and conviction.

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FAKE WALLACE LOH: Vote Loh & Lee 2012

So I guess this is what happens when you make a drinking game out of a Republican Presidential Primary.

Yes, of course I am running for President! As a fake personality very loosely based on a poorly understood, low-level foreign politician, I know that I am the most serious Republican candidate.

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