LOS ANGELES – Democrats in California spent most of Monday disguising various firearms as undocumented immigrants.
Hopeful of getting Republicans to finally approve some forms of reasonable gun control measures at the federal level, Democrats are trying innovative methods to reach across the aisle. They believe it is the only way to convince Republicans that guns may be a threat to the country.
“Kill 10,000 people, they want you everywhere and anywhere, totally unregulated,” said California’s Democratic Senator, Kamala Harris, about guns. “But cross the border illegally and they’ll build a wall just to keep out your friends.”
The guns were placed in human clothing and given various accessories, then placed under trees in several Californian cities. Republicans who witnessed the firearms in disguise were reportedly very concerned about their potential threat to Americans.
“That over there! That needs to be regulated and removed from society!” said Republican Congressman Steve King, from Iowa’s 4th district, as Republican activists approached the weapons and began to remove the disguises.
“It’s like that Skittles thing. If one out of 100 are dangerous, we shouldn’t take the risk, and we should crack down on not restricting the gun rights of law-abiding citizens because no law can prevent all tragedies and bad people don’t follow the law,” said Mr. King, eyes widening as the disguises were removed.
Mr. King then left the area, and Democratic activists re-dressed the guns. While waiting for more Republicans to arrive, Mrs. Harris had to shoo away Representative Barbara Lee, the Democrat from California’s 13th district, who was trying to hand over money and driver’s licenses to the firearms.
Eric Cartman contributed to this report. He can be reached at email@example.com
NEW YORK – Millions of registered voters who cast their ballots for now-President Trump and congressional Republicans across rural America expressed complete reversals in their political ideologies over the weekend, turning dozens of reliably-Republican state voter-blocs into reliably-Democratic ones. The sudden shift was a direct result of the Women’s March held in Manhattan and the many Instagram posts to emerge from it.
Protestors rallies around the nation in Women’s Marches, with Manhattan drawing the largest throng of 200,000 attendees.
“We want the president to know that we here in New York will not tolerate his hateful ideology and damaging policies,” said a protestor, Louise Beck. She then posted her sign, labeled “Who run the world? Girls!” to Instagram.
“We’re getting way more New Yorkers to care about politics, and all of these New Yorkers will have a message for Trump in 2020!” said Beck, with friends around her cheering her on. “You will lose New York by an even larger meaningless margin!”
The effects of her Instagram post, with its hashtags “#womensmarch” and “#resist,” and the hundreds of thousands of similar posts that followed it were, electorally speaking, more widespread.
In fifteen of the thirty states won by President Trump in the 2016 election, his approval rating dropped from an average of about 50% to just single digits, and Democrats took a major generic ballot leads over Republicans for 2018 Congressional races.
As #MyBody hashtags from New York, Boston, and San Francisco trickled onto the phone and computer screens in Idaho, Utah, Wyoming, Nebraska, Mississippi and Alabama, Evangelical voters across the Bible Belt expressed support, en masse, for Roe V. Wade, the landmark 1973 court decision protecting elective abortion rights for women.
“I have prayed to end abortion every day of my life,” said Patty McPherson, a 2016 Trump-voter in Glifford, Mississippi. “But then I saw the hashtag “#resist” trending on Facebook, with some really nice Valencia-filtered photos of 5th Avenue in New York City, and that convinced me to be a Democrat again.”
Brian Tanning, a former coal miner in Blacksville, West Virginia, who has worked at a Bennigan’s since losing his mining job eight years ago, had similar sentiments.
“Initially I was just mad about all these illegals, about them coming into my country and taking our jobs. But then I saw lots of Instagram photos of liberal New Yorkers and Californians, and I began to realize how much I actually want to see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi running Congress again.”
Ms. Beck finished her protesting, then went to Town Stages Studio in Manhattan with some friends to meditate and reflect on all she’d achieved.
“It felt so good to do all we had to do to win our future back,” she said, taking a meditation selfie and posting it to Instagram, securing Montana’s electoral votes for the Democrat in 2020. “Because if our progressive ideas triumph here in New York City, they can triumph anywhere!”
New York Realty contributed to this report. They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
CHARLESTON – Republican leaders around the country were ecstatic Christmas morning to receive coal from Santa.
“Another promise, another victory,” declared President Trump at the White House. “Bring back coal? Well we did just that for the American people, delivered by Santa’s American hands.”
Republicans received lumps of coal in an apparent repudiation from Santa Claus, having found their way firmly onto Santa’s notorious “Naughty List” in 2017. Long feared by the planet’s wealthiest and most powerful, the list is associated with punitive gifts, snubs, and occasionally violent revolutions.
However, this year, Republicans saw Santa and his documents as a potential long-shot bid to reignite the nation’s flagging coal industry. Bringing back tens of thousands of coal mining jobs lost to competition and regulatory pressure was a promise of then-candidate Trump on last year’s campaign trail, and one with no feasible route to achievement.
Except from the North Pole. Republicans believe a steady stream of free coal deliveries may help the dirty fossil fuel compete in the market with wildly cheaper, safer, cleaner, more efficient power methods.
“This was one of those things we’d say and then, you know, pray for a miracle,” said West Virginia Senator Shelley Moore Capito, a Republican. “I want to personally thank Santa for acknowledging how hard we worked for this gift.”
“Ho-ho-ho,” said Santa, riding his sleigh to China to deliver reins to Chinese President Xi Jingping. “They earned it! Sometime between when they took healthcare away from 13 million people and when they gave massive tax breaks to half the naughty list, I knew I’d be sending the elves to West Virginia this year.”
Republican leaders have already worked out how to earn coal for next year as well, planning massive Social Security and Medicare cuts in 2018. Santa, however, is planning ahead.
“I’m thinking I’ll start putting wind turbines in their stockings instead.”
A dissenting Elf contributed to this report. He can be reached at email@example.com
TWENTY-SEVENTEEN: The future arrived in furious fashion in Washington today, after passage of the “Tax Cuts and Jobs Act” by Republican-controlled Congress. Future American taxpayers used social media posts, postcards, and other forms of communication not yet invented to send a simple message back through time to our present day in 2017: #MeToo.
“Why are you passing a tax cut when half your country is nearing retirement?” was written on a postcard dated 12/10/2062, by Delmara Gordon. “Don’t you realize how much coin this will cost us? I can’t even afford my fealty to Lord Comcast this week, which is why I’m using a postcard. You don’t want to know what I had to do for these antique stamps. #MeToo”
It seems humans figured out time travel in the 2030s, and immediately used their new power to reach back in time and accuse the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of raping their pocket books.
Cards, posts, and messages were received at relatives’ houses, newspaper offices, on politicians’ social media pages, and magically popped into people’s heads, a future technology know as “empasynthizing.” Some were quite blunt.
“This is Jerome Davis,” said one empasynthizing post from August 2041. It was sent to every social media user who “liked” President Trump’s tax plan boast on Facebook.
“Your tax cut just raped my whole family and our pet tribble. Bitcoin taxes through the roof now. Not even money for tree-simulators. #MeToo”
There were familiar names in the messages as well, including relatives of Republican Senators and Congressmen who helped pass the bill yesterday.
“So yeah, great-great-grandpa, it was real cool o’ you to make so much money off that bill and give Gam-gam that private jet that was untaxed,” wrote Nessie Corker, a 19-year-old, in an email to the office of Senator Bob Corker (R, TN) dated from A.D. 2052. “But without any money for defense, diplomacy, or infrastructure, the Chinese took over global commerce and made us convert to metric, and now no one can fly it. Our dignity is gone, and the taxes are abusive. #MeToo, 再见，我爱你”
One taxpayer, Michelle Jackson, was able to call The Flat Earth Times from A.D. 2104 and make a brief statement before being chased away from the phone-temple by a pack of Bernese Sanders Mountain Raiders.
“We were able to survive just by eating Trumps for a while, since they’re so fatty,” she said. “But now there’s even a tax on cannibalism. #MeToo.”
A flock of Deficit-Crows contributed to this report. They can be reached in 2017 at firstname.lastname@example.org
BIRMINGHAM – Scientists and religious experts today discovered a magical curse that appears to prevent Republican politicians from endorsing Democrats in American elections.
“This was an extraordinary discovery of deductive reasoning,” said Dr. Neil Gordon, an anthropologist at the University of Alabama who helped lead the discovery. His team used test subjects, a Ouija board, and a team of Bhutanese shamans to discover an omnipresent cosmic force that binds the hands and tongues of Republican politicians the moment they attempt to express support for a Democrat in any given election, no matter how obvious the choice should be.
This footage was captured of a Republican politician sitting with scientists, attempting to call the Washington Post to express support for US Senate Candidate Doug Jones, a Democrat:
Democrats have been unable to gain the public support of any prominent national Republicans, even when facing candidates the Republicans believed to be:
Possible Manchurian candidates
People who think being raped shuts down the uterus.
“A threat to global order”
A candidate who denounced constitutional amendments freeing African-Americans from slavery and giving American women the right to vote.
Apparently, it was because of magic.
“Many years ago, a great and terrible Republican died, but his soul did not leave,” explained Jian, a Bhutanese shaman. “He haunts every Republican soul, speaking the 11th commandment, binding their silence. They call him the Gipper.”
“There is just no other explanation for this. I mean no one can be THAT cowardly!” said Dr. Gordon, his Bhutanese shamans nodding behind him. “It’s the Reagan Curse.”
There do appear to be loopholes in the curse. Sarcasm, for example, seems to be unaffected, demonstrated by then-candidate Trump cheering on “Crazy Bernie” Sanders in the 2016 Democratic primary campaign. Republicans also appear free to pretend American elections are non-binary and endorse random certain-losers, such as Governor John Kasich’s support for non-candidate John McCain in his critical home state of Ohio in the 2016 Presidential election.
More recently, Republicans have tested the limits of the curse in trying to stop probable-pedophile and definite-wacko Roy Moore, a former judge, from winning the Alabama Senate seat vacated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Mr. Jones, Mr. Moore’s Democratic opponent, appears to be relatively sane and not a child molester, so Republicans have danced around the curse trying to help him win.
“I encourage you to take a stand for our core principles and for what is right. These critical times require us to come together to reject bigotry, sexism, and intolerance,” said former Secretary of State and Alabama native Condoleezza Rice, clearly begging voters to support Doug Jones but magically forbidden from doing so.
Senator Richard Shelby, a Republican and Alabama’s other Senator, also did his best to break the curse, making an admirable effort to express support for the Democrat, Mr. Jones. But ultimately, fear of working alongside a pedophile was not enough, as he was unable to even mention Mr. Jones’ name. He instead says he supported a “distinguished Republican.”
Senator Jeff Flake (R, AZ) appears to have bypassed the limits, tweeting a check made out to the Jones Campaign, yet still not using the E-word. He also publicly expressed support saying he “would vote for the Democrat” if he were in Alabama. He was immediately taken into testing by Dr. Gordon’s team.
“Senator Flake appears to have been under a self-induced hallucination,” said Dr. Gordon. “He somehow convinced himself, momentarily, that the Democrat WAS the Republican.” Dr. Gordon suggested he likely picked up some “serious shit” at Arizona State University, located just outside Phoenix.
Dr. Gordon believes there may be one more way to break the curse. “They could, you know, just stop being pussies,” he offered. “But that would take another miracle.”
Jigme Singye Wangchuck, all hail his grace, contributed to this report. He can be reached at email@example.com
Questions remain over the tax overhaul Republicans are currently trying to conference into one passable bill – namely, why are they Russiang the bill through Congress so quickly?
Democrats allege the bill is Flynng through Congress is because of its historic unpopularity. They are working overtime Staling the overhaul, but it is not clear if they can crop away enough Republican votes to stop it.
“Republicans think they can hammer this awful bill through,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren (D, MA). “It’s sickle, really.”
WASHINGTON – The Republicans’ tax overhaul plan was accused this weekend of sexual assault by several different women, the culmination of a growing wave of sexual assault revelations in both Hollywood and Washington.
“This bill left me feeling dead, broke, and worthless,” said Juiz Desgurl, a congressional assistant, in a press conference Sunday, who vividly described the bill as violating everything she held dear.
“Hopefully now the public will finally see what a monster this plan is” said Desgurl.
WASHINGTON – As Republican Judge Roy Moore plows on through accusations of molesting teenage girls in the Alabama special Senate Election, Republicans nationally are flummoxed.
Republicans are weighing their options between the tax cuts Moore is likely to support shortly after taking office, or the basic integrity that comes with electing a candidate not accused of inviting 14-year-old girls to your house to get them drunk and try to have sex with them.
“This is hard,” said Gert Ningrich, a Fox News panelist. “Almost as hard as no 32-year-old man should be when he’s with a 14-year-old girl.”
RICHMOND – Republican voters in New Jersey and Virginia sent thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) to their voting precincts on Tuesday, hoping to hold off a wave of Democrats eager to send a message to President Trump and Republicans nationwide.
“We knew this would be a tough election, so we wanted to get our #ThoughtsAndPrayers out early and often,” said Ed Gillespie, the defeated Republican candidate for governor in Virginia.
“It was a shame our thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers) came up short,” he added. “Maybe I was slouching too much on the pews.”
Bellwether elections in New Jersey and Virginia, and elsewhere delivered big wins for Democratic candidates on Tuesday, including legislative races and referendums nationwide. It is an ominous warning of Republican vulnerabilities going into 2018 midterms and leading some Republicans to question the recipient of their thoughts and prayers (#ThoughtsAndPrayers).
“I’m not sure we thought or prayed hard enough,” said Kim Guadagno, the Republican candidate for governor in New Jersey. “God can be elusive at the ballot box. Or maybe we should just have thought and prayed more aimlessly, you know like, in general, with our eyes shut. Or we should have just sat quietly still with our hands clasped like we did when we were kids, and pretended to do thoughts and prayers, but really just wait for Mommy and Daddy to finish. You know? Or perhaps we didn’t use enough hashtags. #ThoughtsAndPrayers”
Republicans put together an aggressive Get-Out-The-Thoughts-And-Prayers (#GOTTP) effort aided by large volunteer groups in both states.
“Our guys did a great job making sure as many voters as possible stayed home and thought and prayed for us, #ThoughtsAndPrayers,” said Gillespie.
The Republicans had a robust phone canvassing operation as well, robo-calling every precinct in both states with pre-recorded #ThoughtsAndPrayers messages in an effort to turn the tide.
There was great disappointment in Republican voters in both states.
“I can’t believe our #ThoughtsAndPrayers weren’t enough,” said Christopher Page, a Republican from Woodbridge, Virginia. “It’s almost like thoughts and prayers have nothing to do with effecting political change in a democracy,” He said.
Thoughts and Prayers contributed to this report. They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to help pay for their tax cuts for the wealthy, also unveiled this week. The unique cosmic explosion, recently witnessed many lightyears away by scientists, is one of the universe’s only ways of creating the gold we find on our own planet.
Republican leaders have proposed bringing such a colossally violent hellfire into Earth’s neighborhood, saying the estimated nine octillion dollars in gold to come out of such an apocalyptic event may help pay for part of their proposed tax cuts for the wealthy this fall.