Washington D.C. Teenagers Ecstatic They Can Still Hang Out At The Mall

WASHINGTON – It wasn’t just Democrats reveling a shocking upset victory last night, as Democrat Doug Jones defeated Republican Roy Moore to become Alabama’s next Senator. Teenagers across Washington, D.C. took to the streets to celebrate that accused child-molester Roy Moore would not be coming to the city. “Where are we going?” shouted 15-year-old Bryce […]

Magical Curse Forbids Republican Politicians From Endorsing Democrats

BIRMINGHAM – Scientists and religious experts today discovered a magical curse that appears to prevent Republican politicians from endorsing Democrats in American elections. “This was an extraordinary discovery of deductive reasoning,” said Dr. Neil Gordon, an anthropologist at the University of Alabama who helped lead the discovery. His team used test subjects, a Ouija board, […]

Doug Jones Campaign Brimming with Confidence After Eighth White Voter Pledges Support

BIRMINGHAM – The Senate Campaign of Democrat Doug Jones received a much-needed boost in Alabama today as Jim, an insurance agent in Birmingham, became the eighth white voter in the Yellowhammer State to declare his support for the former prosecutor. “Yeah, Roy Moore is just kind of a creepo,” said Jim, scratching his head. The […]

ANALYSIS: Senate Write-In Campaign Impossible Because Alabama Can’t Read

Republicans are in a bind in Alabama. Republican Senatorial efforts to derail the candidacy of Roy Moore in the Alabama Special Senate election have been unsuccessful. Judge Moore, battling claims that he made sexual advances on young teenage girls in his 30s, has refused to drop out, and now it appears a write-in campaign, as […]

Republicans Unable to Decide Between Tax Cuts for Millionaires, Basic Integrity

WASHINGTON – As Republican Judge Roy Moore plows on through accusations of molesting teenage girls in the Alabama special Senate Election, Republicans nationally are flummoxed. Republicans are weighing their options between the tax cuts Moore is likely to support shortly after taking office, or the basic integrity that comes with electing a candidate not accused […]