Tag Archives: Russia

Report: Russians Making Fake People

LANGLEY, VIRGINIA – The Russian government, widely acknowledged to have interfered in the 2016 US presidential election, has now been reportedly making cybernetic organisms to infiltrate American politics.

The Russian government has been known to pay thousands of internet trolls to sway American public opinion on social media. Now reports suggest the American adversary has manufactured cybernetic organisms.

At least one organism became the spokesman for the failed Senate campaign of Roy S. Moore, former chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court. Ted Crockett, the Russian cyborg, was discovered when his batteries ran out during an interview with Jake Tapper on CNN.

Crockett was able to reboot as Tapper cut out the interview. Authorities were then contacted and Crockett was picked up, taken to a CIA field office at an undisclosed location, and promptly taken apart and dissected.

“This is pretty advanced technology,” said Agent Osbourne Cox, a CIA agent. “It can walk, talk, and speak, and it has considerable sway over highly gullible voters.”

He said, however, that unlike Russian internet trolls, the cyborgs “have a fatal flaw.”

“Their batteries drain instantly when presented with facts,” he said. “Whereas a Russian internet troll can just vanish and reappear somewhere else, the cyborg can’t go anywhere and seems to burn all its juice just trying to process the fact.”

Russians are expected to bypass this system flaw, but experts say there is one tick that observers can use to spot the cyborg spies.

“They’ll need to change the subject from the fact that is killing their system, so they’ll randomly blurt out something folksy like ‘Merry Christmas.’”

Watch Crockett’s batteries run out here:

#CucksForTrump contributed to this report.  They can be reached at theflatearthtimes@gmail.com

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Why Are the Republicans Russiang This Tax Bill?

Questions remain over the tax overhaul Republicans are currently trying to conference into one passable bill – namely, why are they Russiang the bill through Congress so quickly?

Democrats allege the bill is Flynng through Congress is because of its historic unpopularity. They are working overtime Staling the overhaul, but it is not clear if they can crop away enough Republican votes to stop it.

“Republicans think they can hammer this awful bill through,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren (D, MA). “It’s sickle, really.”

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President Trump Farts On Live TV To Distract Press From Deepening Scandals

WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump, surrounded by deepening scandals, sought to divert the media today by delivering a live televised fart on Tuesday night.

Trump farting last night.

Faced with angry allies, disloyal staff, accusations of collusion with Russia and obstruction of justice, growing whispers of impeachment, and decreasing cooperation on his agenda with congressional Republicans, the showman-turned-politician-turned president announced on Twitter that he would be delivering “major, clarifying speech from my office about this fake news!” He went live at 8:02 PM, whereupon he began to release a long, slow fart.

“It was the squeaker type” explained gastroenterology expert researcher Bernard Donovan of the University of San Diego. “The kind that begins quietly, only humoring those immediately around it, and then grows and grows until it becomes unstoppable and unwillingly coats everyone in a foul odor.”

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The Far-Left Continues to Blackmail and Punish Society – with the Far-Right

Today’s chapter: France, where Marine Le Pen of the far-right National Front party is poised for an almighty upset that could rock the globe.

Le Pen fields reporters in Paris. Source.

The French far-left, which claims to despise her, could stop this.  But they seem content to let Le Pen slip the left flank and upend a 72-year norm that has held Europe at peace.

Following Donald Trump’s shock victory in the US Presidential election, political resistance became something of a norm for the American left, as frustration, angst, and energy shifted rapidly to the liberal opposition. Since President Trump’s inauguration, the impotent thrusts of his trainwreck of a presidency have galvanized a global resistance movement, culminating in defeats for the resurgent far-right movements in the Netherlands and Austria, a collapse in their polling support in Germany, and a plea for normalcy in France. When polls came in at the end of March, suggesting an easy advance on April 23rd and probable win for Emmanuel Macron, leader of a new, center-left movement En Marche, it seemed France was right on pace for the ongoing extinguishment of the far-right populist firestorm that has swept the western world, with the final douse coming this Sunday, May 7th, round two of the presidential election.

Enter Jean-Luc Mélenchon, stage far-left.

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