LANGLEY, VIRGINIA – The Russian government, widely acknowledged to have interfered in the 2016 US presidential election, has now been reportedly making cybernetic organisms to infiltrate American politics.
The Russian government has been known to pay thousands of internet trolls to sway American public opinion on social media. Now reports suggest the American adversary has manufactured cybernetic organisms.
At least one organism became the spokesman for the failed Senate campaign of Roy S. Moore, former chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court. Ted Crockett, the Russian cyborg, was discovered when his batteries ran out during an interview with Jake Tapper on CNN.
Crockett was able to reboot as Tapper cut out the interview. Authorities were then contacted and Crockett was picked up, taken to a CIA field office at an undisclosed location, and promptly taken apart and dissected.
“This is pretty advanced technology,” said Agent Osbourne Cox, a CIA agent. “It can walk, talk, and speak, and it has considerable sway over highly gullible voters.”
He said, however, that unlike Russian internet trolls, the cyborgs “have a fatal flaw.”
“Their batteries drain instantly when presented with facts,” he said. “Whereas a Russian internet troll can just vanish and reappear somewhere else, the cyborg can’t go anywhere and seems to burn all its juice just trying to process the fact.”
Russians are expected to bypass this system flaw, but experts say there is one tick that observers can use to spot the cyborg spies.
“They’ll need to change the subject from the fact that is killing their system, so they’ll randomly blurt out something folksy like ‘Merry Christmas.’”
Watch Crockett’s batteries run out here:
#CucksForTrump contributed to this report. They can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org