Tag Archives: Sexual Assault

Roger Stone Furiously 3D-Printing Sexual Assault Victims For Democrats

MIAMI – Long-time Republican political consultant Roger Stone is aggressively assembling an army of sexual assault victims to take down various Democratic politicians.

“This is Gina,” said Stone, demonstrating the latest model off his press, a T12000 with full conversational skills and gropeable body parts. “And Chuck Schumer touched her ‘gina.”

Roger Stone

Stone is believed to have had some advance warning of the accusations against soon-to-resign Senator Al Franken (D, MN), some of which were made by right-wing talking heads.

“Leanne Tweeden was one of our finest models!” Stone bragged, unabashed, referring to Mr. Franken’s first accuser. “Her name comes from ‘lying’ and ‘tweeting,’ which is basically our political strategy for the next three years. We’re preparing enough models for every Democrat campaign in 2018 or 2020.”

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Senate Tax Cut Plan Accused of Sexual Assault

WASHINGTON – The Republicans’ tax overhaul plan was accused this weekend of sexual assault by several different women, the culmination of a growing wave of sexual assault revelations in both Hollywood and Washington.

“This bill left me feeling dead, broke, and worthless,” said Juiz Desgurl, a congressional assistant, in a press conference Sunday, who vividly described the bill as violating everything she held dear.

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“Hopefully now the public will finally see what a monster this plan is” said Desgurl.

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