Property of the Flat Earth Times

GOP to change name to GOb to Attract Young Voters

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Republican Party of the United States has announced a name change aimed at winning over young voters, from the GOP to the GOb. The switch comes as young voters prove to be increasingly disaffected with the nation’s two dominant political parties. “We needed a change,” said RNC Chairwoman Ronna McDaniel. The […]

Kim Jong-un Criticized for Failing to Bring Up Human Rights with Trump

PYONGYANG – Kim Jong-un is facing withering criticism for his failure to bring up the appalling human rights record of US President Donald Trump, during their meeting in Singapore last week. The North Korean Dictator met with President Trump on June 12th amid much pomp and hype. The two were to discuss de-nuclearization of the […]

Kim Jong-un Seen Holding Boombox Outside White House

WASHINGTON – Kim Jong-un, Grand Marshall of the People’s Liberation Army, Supreme Leader of the Worker’s Party, and divine ruler of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, was seen Sunday holding a boom box outside the White House, residence of US President Donald Trump. “All my instincts, they return…” The reclusive dictator was seen blasting […]

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Trump Pulls Out of Louisiana Purchase

NEW ORLEANS – President Trump today announced that he would withdraw the United States from the 1803 Louisiana Purchase with France. The deal, signed during the Jefferson Administration, gave Napoleonic France $15 million for part or all of what now comprise 14 states, from Louisiana up through the Great Plains into Montana. “What were our […]

Freed Americans See President Trump, Ask to Return to North Korea

JOINT BASE ANDREWS, Md. – Three Americans were freed from North Korean imprisonment yesterday, but after being greeted by President Trump, the horrified men asked to be allowed back into the reclusive regime’s labor camps. Kim Dong-chul, Tony Kim and Kim Hak-son, three Americans, were imprisoned in North Korea following allegations by the reclusive state […]

America to Boycott 2018 World Cup in Russia

MOSCOW – The greatest tournament in soccer is set to begin in just one months’ time, and the United States will not be attending. The Americans announced they will be boycotting the 2018 World Cup this year, in protest against Russia’s meddling in the 2016 US presidential election. As US Coach Dave Sarachan made clear, […]

Sixth Constituent Thanks Congressional Rep for Bipartisanship Award

NEWARK – Representative Josh Gottheimer (D, NJ-5) has been thanked by a whopping six constituents for receiving the designation of “most bipartisan freshman Democrat.” The award comes from the Lugar Center, headed by former U.S. Senator Richard Lugar. Karen Phillipeli, a nurse in Harrington Park, New Jersey, thanked Rep. Gottheimer on Facebook for his bipartisanship […]

World Confused as Korean War Ends

Confusion spread across the globe this past weekend as warming relations engulfed North and South Korea, bringing about an end to the Korean War. “What’s happening?!” shrieked Donna Dominica, a waitress in Santa Fe, to no one in particular. North Korea and South Korea’s leaders met face to face this past weekend, shook hands, and […]

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Democrats Buy Pelosi Diamond Gavel After Close Special Election Loss

SAN FRANCISCO – After a narrower-than-expected loss in a special election in Arizona, the Democratic Party has spent their entire first quarter fundraising haul on a diamond gavel for Nancy Pelosi. “We beat the spread!” exclaimed Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez. Now happily anticipating taking control of the House of Representatives in November of […]

Trump Offers Barron, Eric to Kim Jong-un in Ongoing Negotiations

WASHINGTON – President Trump has offered his son Barron to Kim Jong-un, dictator of North Korea, in the latest round of negotiations with the reclusive state over its nuclear arsenal. He also offered “half” of his second son, Eric. “This is a bold concession,” said Choeag-ui Adeul, a senior North Korea Analyst at the South […]