The Flat Earth Times

Yes, I understand that Warner Brother’s Green Lantern was released over a month ago. Yes, I understand that the movie has been established as grade A Hollywood dog shit. However, put yourself in my shoes for three fucking seconds. Do you really expect me to shell out ten dollars just to review a movie that had its pitiful destiny revealed within the first ten seconds of the teaser trailer? I would prefer to deal with the consequences of pirating this abomination than to ever allow a Green Lantern movie ticket to touch my fingertips. So that is exactly what I did. Manhola Dargis, Wesley Morris, and Peter Travers had their fun insulting this movie; now it’s my turn.

The film is based off of Bill Finger’s 1940s comic book super hero Green Lantern, giving Hollywood enough reason to try and squeeze a few more dollars from these lifeless DC Comic fans. Green Lantern starts predictably enough with a ridiculous back story involving an orgy of sci-fi scenarios and a reluctant protagonist played by the over-appreciated Ryan Reynolds.The movie revolves around the Green Lantern Corps, an intergalactic police force. After losing a fight with something named Parallax, a Green Lantern named Abin Sur crashes into earth and appoints Hal Jordan (Reynolds) to become their first human member. Jordan shortly finds himself on the Planet of Oa (yes, they actually named a planet with a two-vowel word), where he meets the leader of the Green Lantern Corps, Sinestro, and the rest of the crew. Jordan is met with some hostility by the leader, mainly because any creature that would come up with such ideas as The Tuxedo and The Adventure of Pluto Nash should be met with some suspicion, causing Jordan to quit. Meanwhile, scientist Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard) recovers Abin Sur’s body and becomes possessed by Parallax, causing the scientist to transform into an evil and somehow uglier version of Ron Jeremy. After Jordon engages in a CGI-infused battle with the evil Ron Jeremy scientist and Parallax, Jordon gains the respect of the Green Lantern Corp. Due to the over budgeting of this film and the condition of our economy, the writers were required to leave the audience with the possibility of a sequel.

Green Lantern is like a child’s macaroni picture: bland, talentless, and leaves me worried about a future generation of dunces that could perceive the product as art. Some of the viewers may be shocked that this film has such a banal plot and tacky dialogue, but when the credited writers have minimal experience writing for film, it’s actually quite believable. Ryan Reynolds’ performance is, yet again, over-rated. Outside of a few minutes of attempting to act serious and diligent, he is dependent on halfhearted comedic narcissism to get through the film. Simply watch Reynolds in X-Men’s Origins: Wolverine as Wade Wilson to see Reynolds’ breadth of totally-different-than-Green-Lantern character. Finally, as much as I appreciate Martin Campbell’s James Bond films, (Goldeneye, Casino Royale) Green Lantern is about as inspiring as the remaining scraps found in the merky waters of R.J. Bentley’s toilet bowl on a Saturday night.

As much as I would enjoy this era of remaking superhero films to come to an immediate stop, there are too many geeky fucks and comatose hordes for this to become a reality. So, if you happen to be fall into one of these categories, I have some worthwhile advice. Next time you’re in the mood for superheroes, a lukewarm climax and a predictable outcome, I suggest wrapping a comic around your personal hero and rubbing one out. This way, not only will you save me the trouble of watching these god-awful films, but you’ll also save a few bucks. Cheers.

Frank Mayo is a 2005 graduate of Syrit College. He can be reached at [email protected]