The Flat Earth Times

College Park – After its second suicide attempt in four months, the J.M. Patterson building at the University of Maryland has been given an intervention by concerned friends and family.  Officials say this was a long time coming.

Maryland students received an email at about 9:15 PM on Monday, January 16, alerting them of a fire in J.M. Patterson building.  Several follow up emails lead many to believe the blaze was uncontrollable.

It was the Patterson building’s second suicide attempt in four months.  In October, the middle-aged structure mixed volatile chemicals in a desperate attempt to blow itself up.  Last week, it simply self-immolated.

The reasons seemed to be piling on.

“It never really got over its breakup with the Industrial Engineering department,” noted one professor, who chose to remain anonymous to maintain the battered building’s trust.  “That’s some 80 years of living in pain.”

The professor also disclosed that the building has ingested many chemical drugs, which he often ‘regrettably’ injected to the building himself via the chemical disposal room.

“He just never complained!” said the professor. “I can’t understand why he tolerated so much sodium hydroxide.”

The Geology Building has also noted negative trends.

“I saw Jimmy John’s delivery cars outside that building three to five times a night,” it said. “It was like JM was trying to eat itself to death.”

That wasn’t all.  The building also appeared to have entered an overly promiscuous phase in its downward spiral.

“So many degenerates got inside, without emerging till dawn.  [The JM Patterson Building] had this misplaced idea that the more people it slept with, the better it would feel,” said the Geology Building.  “It was awful to watch. I couldn’t do anything, I was so shocked, I just felt frozen to the ground; completely helpless.”

Evidently that all boiled over last Monday, when the JM Patterson, unsatisfied with its place in the world, grabbed hold of some of its circuitry and self-immolated.  The blaze was painstakingly contained after 20-30 minutes, and the building was kept isolated during a mental evaluation.

From this point forward, it’s all uphill.

“We’re so glad the JM Patterson is finally getting the help it needs,” said Sharon Kirkland-Gordon, a Director of the UMD Counseling Center, referring to the JM Patterson’s resolve to receive counseling at the Biology Pyschology building.

“There is no depth from which one cannot be saved” Kirkland-Gordon said. “The Counseling Center is glad to accept people of all backgrounds, whether black, white, gay, straight, wood or brick.”

The Bio-Pysch building, as it is colloquially known, is reportedly unhappy with the decision.

“Talk about a blind date,” is was overheard to have said.

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You can drop off words of encouragement for the JM Patterson Building at [email protected]

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