The Flat Earth Times

COLLEGE PARK: Surprise and intrigue on the University of Maryland campus yesterday as student protester and self-described “champion of social justice” Jessica Ringwatt was officially confirmed to know everything and anything about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

That means everything.  Egyptian Islamic Nationalism, the plumbing industry in Gaza, influence of Ethiopian Jews on Zionism, traffic conditions in each Jewish settlement, the quality of flour allocated to West Bank refugee camps are several of the infinite topics she’s fully fluent in.

Ringwatt was born and raised in an affluent suburb of Newark, New Jersey. Her father is an orthopedic surgeon and her mother works in his office. She grew up attending highly-rated public schools, taking occasional domestic and international trips, and dining out once or twice a week. Ringwatt explained that this upbringing helped her fully understand every major and minor experience of the 70-year-old Israeli-Palestinian conflict that has obfuscated Middle East stability and often serves as a proxy for disputes between major world powers.

“In our last club meeting, a guest speaker tried to talk about growing up on a farm in Israeli-occupied Sinai in the 1960s, and I told him to stop because I already understood all of that,” she explained at a protest on McKeldin Mall.

Ringwatt suggested it was “easy” to achieve her level of complete understanding, especially her grasp on the mentally and socially deleterious effect of having her country occupied by an invincible foreign power, as well as the anguish of knowing millions of your people were massacred by their own government.  She says it was “even easier” to “reconcile these ideas completely.”

“I can’t believe 70 years of global leaders and brilliant minds have failed to solve this. I was already figuring it out when I was sixteen. I read 18 Social Justice Tips For Young Activists in between G-chatting with Tommy about Felicia and Dillon kissing behind the gymnasium and watching fashion videos on YouTube.”

Now that she knows all the answers, Jessica feels the best course of action is to yell and scream at anybody who disagrees with her, which she was doing at McKeldin Mall yesterday.

“They know everything too, just like me, but they chose the wrong side” she explained while hurling red paint on passing students. “It’s obviously because they are fascists.”

Jessica initially intended to run for world president next year, but has rethought those plans “since deciding to fully understand the global international conspiracy to keep women out of power.”

Socrates contributed to this report.  He can be reached at [email protected]om

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