CAPE CANAVERAL – Republican leaders in Congress have unveiled a bill to orchestrate a massive neutron star collision next to Earth, hoping to create an enormous supply of gold to help pay for their tax cuts for the wealthy, also unveiled this week. The unique cosmic explosion, recently witnessed many lightyears away by scientists, is one of the universe’s only ways of creating the gold we find on our own planet.
Republican leaders have proposed bringing such a colossally violent hellfire into Earth’s neighborhood, saying the estimated nine octillion dollars in gold to come out of such an apocalyptic event may help pay for part of their proposed tax cuts for the wealthy this fall.
“We’re working with NASA as we speak,” said House Appropriations Committee Chairman Rodney Frelinghuysen (R, NJ-11th) in Cape Canaveral, “We’re looking to have the collision somewhere between here and the moon, so as much of the gold as possible backboards back to Earth.”
Asked about the feasibility of such a project, NASA Chief Scientist Dr. Ellen Stofa said, “I think it’s a great idea; I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”
Some Democrats grumbled that the collision would almost certainly destroy all life on Earth and probably swallow the entire Solar System whole. “This is not what we meant when we said the poor can’t even afford to heat their homes.” said Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren.
Asked about concerns for the safety of life as we know it, Congressman Frelinghuysen defended the plan. “It will create jobs,” he assured reporters. “That’s what matters most.”
A few Democrats quietly suggested that the bill should pass, so they could use the resulting political fallout from global destruction to their advantage in the 2018 midterm elections.
Rumors that some of the gold would be appropriated to pay for President Trump’s desired wall on the Mexican border were quickly debunked. “The wall? Now THAT” said Mr. Frelinghuysen, “is never going to happen.”
Morgan Freeman contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org