HOUSTON – Reeling for weeks since the catastrophic flooding of Hurricane Harvey, the great city of Houston has been restored to perfect condition, perhaps by the gods, following the World Series of baseball won by its hometown Astros.
The Houston Astros defeated the Los Angeles Dodgers in game seven of the World Series matchup on Wednesday night, in what sports analysts decreed was a “needed” victory for America’s fourth largest city, beleaguered, battered, flooded, and chemically contaminated by the heavy rains of Hurricane Harvey in late August.
“If you made a list of Houston’s needs, I think a World Series victory would be number one,” said Dave Travis, a Houston resident and Astros fan. “It just solved everything.”
Houses were rebuilt, parks were restored, floors reupholstered and re-polished, and hundreds of people who perished in the floods and fires were found digging themselves out of their graves. Cars were given new engine parts, industrial plants were decontaminated, and bright green leaves now adorned every tree. And it’s all thanks to the Houston Astros and their championship performance.
“It’s like the dioxin just vanished from the soil,” said Dr. Mark Cornin, an environmental scientist at the University of Texas. “These baseball players really delivered Houston from future generations of misery with that World Series trophy.”
Additionally, Houston’s notoriously lax zoning laws have been reversed and retroactively enforced, restoring the city’s flood-protective prairies and wetlands that were paved over for human settlement in the 1970s. What was once a certainty that a disaster like Harvey would happen again within a decade is now merely a high probability.
“This is so incredible, I’m resigning,” said Dr. Cornin. “Houston is saved. Who needs scientists when we have athletes?”
Mr. Clean contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org