Republicans Unable to Decide Between Tax Cuts for Millionaires, Basic Integrity

WASHINGTON – As Republican Judge Roy Moore plows on through accusations of molesting teenage girls in the Alabama special Senate Election, Republicans nationally are flummoxed.

Republicans are weighing their options between the tax cuts Moore is likely to support shortly after taking office, or the basic integrity that comes with electing a candidate not accused of inviting 14-year-old girls to your house to get them drunk and try to have sex with them.

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“This is hard,” said Gert Ningrich, a Fox News panelist. “Almost as hard as no 32-year-old man should be when he’s with a 14-year-old girl.”

“I do like having Senators that respect the sanctity of children, and who don’t live their lives as flagrant hypocrites” said Jan Cutler, a conservative author. “But I also love giving tax cuts to hedge fund managers in the Hamptons. I can’t figure this one out.”

Voters found both possibilities enticing.

“Rich guys really deserve my money,” said Dale Greenbow, a construction worker in Uniontown, Alabama.  “But I feel like a not-rapist could be a really great Senator for Alabama.”

He was referring to Alabama’s Democratic nominee for Senate, Doug Jones, who called lowering taxes on the wealthy “unconscionable.”

“I don’t even know what that word means,” said Mr. Greenbow.

The election is expected to be close on December 12th.

“I’m doing some serious thinking this month” said Mr. Greenbow. “Just like Roy Moore should have done before he tried to have sex with a 14-year-old girl.”

The Mercer Family contributed to this report. They can be reached at

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