LITTLE ROCK – After a shocking election upset that sent number one seed Alabama home and packing, the people of both Mississippi and Arkansas have found renewed hope for a long-coveted prize.
The “Worst State in the Union” title, held by Alabama for an unprecedented five years straight, is back up for grabs.
“I’ve never felt such hope for Mississippi,” said Governor Phil Bryant. “We don’t win much.”
The title has been a southern trophy-battle since Florida’s upset victory in 2000. More recently in 2012, South Carolina lost it to Alabama, unable to shake the progress brought on by diverse leadership and booming coastal cities.
Since then, Alabama has secured the golden dunce cap for an unprecedented five years straight, refusing to cede any offensive progress to civil rights, economic equality, environmentalism, or thoughtful leadership.
“Alabama had a dream run,” said Theodore ‘Walmart Scooter’ Bruden, head anthropologist at the University of Arkansas. “Even earned a United Nations visit in 2017 for her stellar suckitude. The rare UNVP honors.”
But they are champions no more. Alabama’s “die-nastily dynasty” came to end this past Tuesday, when voters were unable to elect a pedophile to the US Senate, instead electing a renowned progressive prosecutor in Doug Jones. Many suggested write-in votes and voter apathy were fatal to the candidacy of Roy S. Moore, former Chief Justice of Alabama and the state’s star embarrassment.
“Apathy is killer to team chemistry. I’m just not sure Alabama really wanted to be a national disgrace anymore,” said Professor Bruden. “They really gave up on themselves late in the game.”
Mississippi, for its part, sees no similar setback on the horizon.
“We’re excited to finally have a shot at it,” said Governor Bryant, beaming. “Nobody counts on Mississippi. Seriously, though. Have you seen our math scores?”
The state is banking on star freshman state legislator Chris McDaniel, an embarrassment-prodigy, who is considering a primary challenge to incumbent US Senator Roger Wicker. Mr. McDaniel is relying on Mississippi’s traditional strategy that gave them legendary championship runs throughout the 20th century – backwardly repressed racism, channeled through support for Confederate imagery.
“The brilliance of the strategy is, Mississippi already has talent in so many fields – damn near last in education, health, poverty, even happiness,” said Filmore ‘Barbecue Butter’ DeLaney, head sociologist at Ole Miss. “By focusing on the state flag, they can really show off terrible optics to the world, while avoiding losing ground to real solutions to real problems. Two birds, one stone, and that metaphor just made me hungry.”
Mississippi will face a tough challenge from Arkansas, which normally ranks at or near the very bottom in state rankings of most livability measurements, such as access to clean drinking water, affordable healthcare, transportation, and education. And Arkansans are ready for a fight to the bottom.
“Mississippi merely adopted Walmart,” said Professor Bruden. “Arkansas was born in it. Molded by it. We didn’t know regulation until Walmart regulated Arkansas itself.”
Steve Bannon contributed to this report. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org