The Flat Earth Times

ST LOUIS: A local man at a New Years Party swore off drugs for 2018, declaring it his New Year’s resolution as an effort to focus on his health. He insisted this would go into effect after just one more line of cocaine.

Henry Kurlough, 28, a hardware salesman from Shrewsbury, had just celebrated the countdown with his high school friends and his girlfriend, at the Monteberry Club in St Louis.

“I was like, you know, I gotta do better in 2018 man. You know?” he said, sniffling and rubbing his gums.

“But like, I haven’t seen my BROS in forever,” he said, taking the very understandable line of cocaine with his bros.

“So yeah, like, no more of this drug stuff in 2018,” he said, looking at his concerned girlfriend and contemplating his future. “I gotta get up to assistant manager this year and make that big 36K.”

The quality of the cocaine, however, proved tempting for Mr. Kurlough.

“This is some good shit. One more!” he said, doing another line at 12:47 AM.

Then Jordie showed up with his wife, back from his business transfer in Scottsdale. The boys hadn’t seen him in like, a year and a half, so they had to do another line together at 1:31 AM.

Jordie was transferring back to St. Louis with a raise, which was extremely awesome and warranted yet another line of cocaine at 2:12 AM.

“No more drugs though,” said Mr. Kurlough at 2:15, declaring that 2018 would be a year of sobriety and success for him.

Mr. Kurlough later got in a small scuffle with Jordie for not calling him enough during his stint in Scottsdale, and the boys cooled off with another bump of cocaine at 3:12 AM.

“This year is gonna be so much better, man” Mr. Kurlough said, rubbing his gums.

Lupe Fiasco contributed to this report.  He can be reached at [email protected]