Democrats Fear Losing Dozens of Voters if they Embrace Legal Weed

WASHINGTON – Democratic leaders are shaking over a potential loss of support if more of their prominent voices come out in support of ending national marijuana prohibition.

New Jersey’s newly inaugurated Governor Phil Murphy, a Democrat, rattled the national establishment by openly supporting legalized weed during his successful 2017 election campaign, losing an estimated 5-7 voters in the process.

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“We’ll never get those votes back” fumed Dianne Feinstein, Democratic Senator from California, suggesting only the historic unpopularity of outgoing Republican Governor Chris Christie (a staunch legal weed opponent) saved Mr. Murphy. “How on Earth do Democrats think this is a winning issue?”

According to a recent poll by Gallup, a tiny minority of 64% of Americans support legalization, as well as a measly 72% of Democrats. Additionally, Democrats stand little chance of gaining more than just a few million Republican votes, since only a small minority of 51% of Republicans support legalization, while a healthy and robust 29% of Republican voters express confidence in their party. Republican voters are certainly not up for grabs on any issue whatsoever.

Representative Steny Hoyer (MD-5), Democratic Whip, suggested these stats showed grave danger for Democrats.

“The Democrats we need to win are cops… old people who support authoritarianism… working-class Joe Schmo’s who never took drugs… people who never left their hometown and bullied the losers who smoked weed… Jeff Sessions fans…  without them, we’re doomed!” he said.

Hopeful of taking the House and even whispering of chances to take the Senate in November, Democrats are nonetheless struggling to find a unifying message to motivate voters, beyond just opposing an unpopular President Trump.

Mr. Hoyer worried about the potential effects of marijuana on Democratic voters, who tend to be younger and probably more likely to use the drug.

“Marijuana will not help us win,” he said. “We don’t want “high” voter participation.”

Someone who just realized ants are the coolest creature in the animal kingdom and will probably succeed humans as rulers of the planet contributed to this report.  He can be reached at

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